Automatic writing, in the form of a journal, gives you the opportunity to combine meditation & communication with your Higher Self, as well as other parts of your personality. You now know that even difficult or disorderly parts, given respect & acceptance, can be helpful....even creative in your recovery process. As you become more skilled at doing this, you will begin to find your self-growth journey exciting & fulfilling. You will experience the physiological & emotional balance you have painstakingly searched for over the years, perhaps angered, but later amused at where it was hiding. Your disorderly eating & addictive Selves, once deplored, now become catalysts for your own personal growth & self-development. What was once hidden, is now a part of your "self-Family", working along- side your Therapeutic, Parent, Healer, Teacher Selves, ready to climb the ladder to a higher level of health & performance.
I've already shared that my issues with food had taken me to a very frightening place. I was physically sick, later to find out that I was actually knocking on the door of adult onset diabetes, one of the killer diseases & related to several other killer diseases including those involving the heart & circulatory system, as well as a connection to certain cancers. This condition is called hyperinsulinemia or metabolic syndrome & is very prevalent in our society. Knowing this is certainly frightening, but feeling the symptoms is even more so. Some of these include feeling extreme fatigue, sleepy after meals, headaches, severe body tension, shaky, anxious, fearful, moody & cognitive decline. I was afraid to leave the house & often parked the car on the side of the road, waiting to feel safe enough to drive. I share this with you because, despite all of that, it's almost unbelievable that I would find it difficult to do what I needed to do to get better. This was because of the unbelievable strength & unrelentless behavior of my Addictive childSelf. I was soon to meet up with this part of my personality in my journals & I'm forever grateful to them for giving me a place & the opportunity to work directly with my healing, Higher Power Self on a daily basis.
And now, I'll invite you to visit inside some of the journal entries, especially those where I'm in direct contact with this most challenging part, but first...
A NOTE TO NEW READERS:
This experiential blog/workshop is based on my new book, "How Many Cookies Will It Take to Make Me Happy?" If you are new to my writing, you might want to read the earlier mini-chapters. They are available on FaceBook, The PublishersMarketPlace & at the following link. Remember to scan down to find the earliest chapters & work your way up. http://beyonddisorderlyeating.blogspot.com/
A bit of background.... we are working with creative Interactive Self-Hypnosis imagery, planting suggestions directly into the creative subconscious mind as you read along. What appears like a story is a series of self-hypnotic sessions, designed to bring about desired lifestyle changes. The inner mind is creative & rather child-like, loving to play with images, especially when they are emotionalized. Just like the saying, "a picture is worth a thousand words", well-planted mind images, can be worth hours of therapy. We can actually change or motivate in 1/200th of a second. So come along & look forward to some lifestyle-changing events.
INSIDE THE JOURNAL
My addictive Self is very old in years, but very immature in knowledge & behavior. She's been around a long time, probably from the time I was three. I view "her" in my mind's eye as being about seven years old. She's extremely precocious, creative, funny, lovable, annoying & dangerous at the same time. Despite, or maybe because of the negatives, I actually like her. She makes me laugh & takes me to the "edge" of life, which I find exciting, just like any addict feels regarding the anticipation of getting the substance. She's actively into hiding, lying & other deceitful games which she delights in designing & then activating with powerful motivation. Surprisingly, she is super-disciplined & assertive, almost to the point of being agressive in her attacks on my psyche, never taking "no" for an answer. She will creatively circle any attempt to curtail her desires, feeling no remorse or contrition for what she was doing. My attempts to manage her have spanned decades. Sometimes, in the past, I felt like I had won, only to find myself facing an even more powerful version of herSelf. Yet, I continue to tolerate & even welcome her into my life.
As with any difficulty or difficult relationship, I know it is important to become a keen observer of behavior. I do that here in my journal. As I come to observe this part of me, I understand that I need to take an entirely different approach in our relationship. Arm wrestling and/or ignoring doesn't work. In fact, it does just the opposite. Here are some truths I've uncovered from my observations. Perhaps the first is the most important.
Throughout my life I thought I was addicted to cookies, cake, pretzels, soda & pizza, but now I know that they are only my surface addictions. My true addiction is to this part of my Self. She knows when to appear & knows what I need, or what I think I need. In a way, she's like a proper servant, even fooling me with that image, for she is not a servant at all, but a master. She is an engaging, buy sly controller of my destiny, not giving a care about my health or ability to function. She's possessive to a degree that I've never seen clearly, until I've looked in this way, through this journal. But, for some reason, I no longer have fear of her & that is a powerful shift from where I was. Instead, I can now feel pity for this unbalanced part of me. I'm wondering & very curious as to why she is the way she is, who & what brought her to this level of intensity in our relationship. I believe that by knowing these things, I will be able to heal her wounds & integrate her back into my balanced Self-family.
I call gently, welcoming her to converse openly with me here...I'm both excited & a bit nervous, but not frightened. My Higher Self is here by my side, the pages of my journal filled with light.
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Copyright 2009 Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht
May not be copied or reproduced without permission of the author.
Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht is author of Sugar...the Hidden Eating Disorder & How to Lick It. She is also the writer/producer of over 350 mp3/CD programs in the areas of medicine, health, prevention, addictions, self-development & sports for adults & children.
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