Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The "No" Word

It's amazing how a two letter word can evoke so much emotion. Why is it that the word "no" cannot live alone, but needs to be accompanied by so much explanation. Then comes the contest....can the "no" stand up to the arguing and scrutiny thrown at it? Perhaps this is why it's easier to say "yes."

I've grown tired of this whole thing. Endless discussions about why I don't want to do something, to the point of exhaustion. I finally decided that my "no" will stand on it's own and from now on forward there will be no further discussion. The "no" will be wear a coat of respect, honoring both myself and the recipient. It will have an air of assertiveness, but free of aggression. No anger, no reproach, simply....."no".

Of course, there's nothing wrong with the explanations of why I've decided on "no", but it's like anything else. When redecorating a room, it's best to remove everything and then start fresh. I find this works well with emotion and direct language. Long explanations can become habitual, almost addictive, seeming to feed the fodder for inviting debate.

It's an interesting experiment to play around with this, not only with other people, but also with one's own mind chatter.

I've decided to do some "automatic hypnotic journaling" on this subject because although it may seem like a small thing, I know that it is not. If I can be comfortable with speaking the "no word", I believe many things will change in my life.

Relaxing into the moment, now deciding to go deeper than before. Wondering "why" the suggestion has come forward to go to this lower level, but learning to trust the "journal master" and internal suggestions is very important. Thinking that I'm deep enough, but being told to go even deeper. Oh....am I going to visit some of the roots of my uncomfortable feelings about expressing myself in this regard?

The answer comes forward as "yes." So, yes and no. Two very important words in my vocabulary that open totally different avenues of adventure and especially respect for myself. I'm learning through intuition that this a crux. Self-respect! Yes, I'm entitled to say "no" and the blocking to this goes very, very deep.

Sensing that I'm almost there now and surprised to find my deceased mother very much alive and waiting for me. I find myself in the body of a young child, about the age of three or four. My adult self is trembling as I continue to write. Why is this so frightening for me?

My mother picks me up, positioning me on her lap and picking up a basket of blocks that I'm asked to hold on my lap. There are letters on the blocks....only the letters N and O. My mother strokes my head gently, pushing my hair back from my eyes, now positioning her hand under my chin, directing my eyes to meet hers.

"I'm sorry."

The child is sobbing, releasing her repressed sadness. "So many "no's" in the basket, many of them painted with harsh colors. This simple word taking on the personality of anger, even hatred, but what does this have to do with the child? Absolutely nothing. The mother is depressed and seeks control of her own life by keeping the child repressed "in her place." The child represents the mother's sadness and despair. The father has died unexpectedly coming home to give the child her birthday present, or so the mother says.

The child learns that the basket of blocks does not belong to her. She is not allowed to say "no." Only the mother can say it. If the child says it, she will be "put in her place." The child learns to be still and not to express her needs or desires because the father died coming home to celebrate her birthday and she is guilty. Three years old and very guilty, never to murmur a "no" because these belong to the mother.

The mother apologizes again to the child, holding her close, but gently this time. This is new for the child, for the mother never held the child in this way before. The mother returns the basket to the child, but the blocks are new and refined with pretty pictures mingling with the letters N and O. The pictures represent what the child wants and needs, for it is her right to speak out, letting these be known.

I return to the light of day finding my husband asking me if I would make some coffee. "No, not now." The words were enough to express my needs in this moment. The husband understands intuitively, smiles and goes towards the coffee pot to make it for himself.