Library Visit

It's been a long while since I've been inside my own library. Rather like the cobbler who walks around with holes in his shoes.

It's interesting how we choose careers based on our own needs. The medical profession is famous for this. Always looking to fix others. I'm reminded of our professor of psychiatry who had a special handkerchief for opening doors. I entered the field of nursing through a back door. Fear of blood, accidents and death. The automobile accident that killed my father. My early child negatively impressed with the image of the "jaws of life" that extricated him from the car. Big bear teeth compressed on my daddy's body.

I've always been impressed with pain and death. Pain, both physical and emotional. The fear drawing me closer, while the child wanting to run, hide and just peak from around the corner. A sick enjoyment of feeling frightened, even wanting to vomit. Living life on the edge, an early indication of the addictive tendencies that would shadow my life.

I don't cry about my life. My father's death and all that followed did pave the way for an interesting life and career choices. I know how to enter dark places and learned how to exit them as well. For all of this, I'm grateful. Would it have been better not to have had these experiences? One could argue that, but as an observer of life and it's inherent difficulties, I know that I prefer knowing what my experiences have given me. How many people find themselves in pain, but stay stuck? My career choice is more than obvious.

However, fixing others is not the same as fixing oneself. This is what I want to discuss with my "journal master." I understand my attraction to my career, but I'd like to be able to place myself first without having to think about it. Growing up bathed in guilt and shame, a chambermaid of sorts, it's been difficult for me to make an easy slide from that awareness into placing myself first. Yes, I can do it, but placing "me first" on auto-pilot is still an awkward maneuver and I'd like to change that. My current auto-pilot goes something like this:

"Take care of everyone else first, then you can take care of yourself. If there is no time left, then wait for the next day....or the next....or the one after that, for indeed, it really doesn't matter." One day, when my children were young, I remember looking in the mirror and being shocked at what was reflected back at me. "When did I wash my hair last?"
"Cook what other people like, for their desires are more important. It doesn't really matter what you eat. You like everything anyway." I believe that the early seedlings of my "secret bingeing" are housed in this department. I'd certainly like to place these in some protective box, where I can see them, but they are without power. I still feel their presence on occasion.

"It's OK to purchase things for yourself, but always bring something for the others, for if not, you will appear selfish." Other seedlings live in this place. Purchasing, hiding and then bringing things out "pretending" that they aren't new. Games we play.

Oh...this looks terrible on paper. Me, a therapist, thinking like this? Or...I could also say, "me a mother" thinking like this? Or, "me a wife" thinking like this? Or, "me a friend or colleague" thinking like this?

My "journal master" stands by my side, hand on my shoulder, telling me that "while these truths are uncomfortable, shedding light on them will bring me to a higher balance." It's time to go to the library and make some choices.

Relaxing deeply and going down the spiral staircase is easy for me. I'm energized by my self-work. Taking special time only for myself is something I've always craved. Making the decision to be present daily is already showing it's value in my daily life. I am grateful for the guidance of Spirit. Now realizing that I am spirit, everything becomes easier. Noticing that I carry my two birth books. What I've come to learn and what I've come to teach.

Finding myself already inside my library. On the shelves in front of me are all of the articles, books, patient care plans, family care plans, folders of notes, years of day-timers and every audio program I've ever written or recorded. I'm stunned at the accumulation of accomplishments over the decades. Like most people, tending to forget what's been achieved, only choosing to see what has been left undone....dreams, etc. Realizing that "yes, these were also once dreams, but now they simply sit, unnoticed." I'm asked to give gratitude for all of these things, including the ones that appear partially finished, for these are seeds of pure creativity, ready to teach as well.

So, nothing is really unfinished? Everything is "finished unto itself." Realizing how cruel and hateful I've been to these dimensions of my life. Asking for forgiveness and honoring the creative undertaking.

Scanning the self-hypnotic audio programs. Looking into the written scripts, all reading like new. Remembering writing these, often wondering where the words came from, but now I know. My spiritual self residing in my human body. Of course. No wonder it was so easy to write these, but now comes the question, "if Spirit wrote these and I am Spirit in a human body, then why do I still find myself buried in old issues?"

Everything is "finished unto itself." "Are you telling me that I'm NOT buried in old issues? Then, what are these things that I'm experiencing?" I'm eager to gather information about my disorderly eating and "ego" disruptions. Waiting for the pen to flow the answer onto my paper.

As per the pen, "You are never in the same place. Even if you have been to a place before, it is not the same place. Everything changes. Your issues, environment and even you are in continuous change. Every time you address an issue it is different. Different time, place and individual. Each time you read something you have already learned, researched or written, it comes with a brand new message. Spirit brings what is needed in that moment. All you need to do is to be in a receptive state with a willingness to change."

I'm filled with new excitement about what's on the library shelves. Where to begin...again? "Why not start at the beginning," suggests the pen.
"The beginning of what?"

"The beginning of anything."

Hide and Seek

Oh....that desire and search for one's "true Self." Perhaps that's a reason why I'm journaling again. Tossing off all the encumbering coats, hoping the person I'm looking for is somewhere underneath.

My "journal master" finds this a delightful subject, encouraging me to put pen to paper. This subject has always intrigued me and I do admit to being on this journey, but it's been a long hunt and wondering if this is just one of those never ending, fruitless games life Farmville. Never enough crops, buildings or animals. Do self-searchers have levels like farmers? Wondering what those statistics say about my progress....and is it progress that I'm looking for OR is it the true treasure....my true Self.

Life is both long and short. Considering if there is actually such a person, and if so, where is she and how can I find her. Is she living in an exact place on my time-line? Is this all nonsense? Should I care?

Then wondering IF she truly exists, do I want to find her? And, for what purpose? Suppose my true Self doesn't get along with my husband, kids or anyone else. What if she doesn't like my career choices and has desires that aren't within my means? What then? More stress? Since I can't imagine anyone free of problems or issues, does she have a new variety for me to deal with? Certainly don't need that.

Remembering the time when I had psychotherapy after being very ill. No longer knew how to be well. Remembering my family not approving of the "new me." I imagined myself a chameleon, changing back and forth, of course, always to please others. My psychotherapist likened me to a caterpillar who was turning into a butterfly. No wonder I was more confused than ever. So much for looking for my true Self.

I ask my pen to answer "do true Selves have eating disorders?" Wouldn't mind being free of that. Life without bingeing or craving junk. Now, that might be worth leaving town for."

That last question must have popped the cork because I'm told that it is time to go deeper down the spiral staircase. Reminds me of my mother when she had enough of me. Yes, I know how to do this, so catching up with my deepening breath, I sit comfortably allowing the breath to take me deeper down. Pleasurable sensations as the body opens, releasing stored tension. The mind quiets, stillness prevails. Comfortable, like being inside a protective womb. Noticing the thoughts going down the path, to a place where thoughts go. Relieved of their duties. Probably exhausted from residing in my super-active mind....like traffic in Times Square.

Finding myself on the golden path and going in the direction of the light. This is where I usually meet up with my emotions, both negative and positive. But, today things are different. My past and future paths are filled with people of different ages, even babies being carried in baby-backpacks. I'm surprised that the very oldest people are walking without any help or devices. While they look old, their energy and spirit are obviously high. I'm confused regarding the number of people and return to my journal to clarify what's going on.

When journaling hypnotically, the pen writes by itself, without any efforting on my part. The question is known before even asking. The people are taking the places of the emotions. The ones from my past path are sitting on the left. Those from the future path, sitting on the right. According to my pen, other than the obvious, this holds no importance. It's not like one side is negative, the other positive as when the emotions appeared. They are simply divided into past and present. The youngest baby is my birth self. The oldest woman is my last self. Each individual carries two books. One represents what they have come to learn; the other what they have come to teach.

"Oh....then...my true Self is somewhere in the crowd?"

The pen writes, "Your true Self is everywhere...in the self-images and in everything else. It has no boundaries. It is not your body, your mind, your thoughts, your emotions, your habits, behaviors or addictions. While it is present in those things, it is not those things. Your true Self is a spiritual essence. Look to the light."

Rays coming down, infusing all who are present including myself. Or, whoever I am, for at this point I know nothing at all, except that "I am."

This knowing is both old and new. I can't say that I didn't know this, because I did, but to sense this in the inner environment where I now find myself, is new. Yes, I have felt the connection before, but not in this way. The difference seems to be the presence of my time-line people. These are my mentors, both past and present. The two books that they hold are filled with gifts for me. A new understanding emerges. The books will guide me forward, even the books of the past individuals. Exactly how this will happen is not clear to me, but I'm assured that all will happen as it is meant to be....now that my connections have been made whole.

Apple Carts & People Pleasing

Underneath personal "disorder" or "chaos" you can find the clues for healing.  In this section of my blog, I invite you to look inside my own "inner journal", as I continue to manage my own disorderly eating issues.

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Oh, these darn "apple carts."

As I wander around my life areas, the carts seem to be strewn all over the place. I'm stunned to even find them in my Adult or Teacher Self area. What is this telling me? Of course I know without even asking my Journal. I'm a born pleaser. Even in areas where I excel, I'm so careful not to upset others. In fact, this has matured into a skill of mine. Yes, I'm an expert at not upsetting others.

How do I do this?

By "super-policing" ...noticing early indicators upset in others....perhaps even before they do. I remember someone telling me that I would make a wonderful "English butler." Taking care of everyone's needs, real or imagined, even before the need was born. Obviously, this is a very wearing job and not a healthy one.

The rationale in my conditioned mind goes like this. " IF all needs of others are met, then there will be no interruption in whatever it is that I want to do for myself." And..."if all apple carts are kept upright, then no time needs to be spent picking up the spilled apples." Obviously, this is a very wearing job and not a healthy one.

Question. How to resign from my "English butler" duties and what about those apples that will inevitably spill because there is no butler? Who will keep the carts steady or be responsible for picking up the apples?

Answer. "No one."

As for resigning, consider it done. No one can Journal in this area and not resign. It's a given. This is the power of Inner Hypnotic Journaling. Uncovering a block or unwanted behavior or habit, then releasing it. While you may find yourSelf missing your butler uniform, notice that it is no longer "fitting."

"OK, but what about the apples?" Another indication that it's tough to let go.

"Let the apples roll where they may. You will soon come to realize that the large majority of them don't belong to you." Oh, my control issue appears. The part of me that wants to own and rule all the apples. If I take ownership, then my life will be easier. Another ridiculous story of my conditioned mind. My tired body and mind speak out. "All this apple tending is exhausting. It would be a huge relief to just let go."

All of this looks good on paper, but what about in real life. Questioning if I would really be able to just look the other way when the apples fall and roll. Will I feel guilty? I'm so used to caring for everyone and every thing.

Obviously my desire to control is not going to go quietly into the night. This is such a huge conditioned habit, one that can be traced back to early childhood. "Keep Mommy happy and you will be happy," goes the story. "Upset Mommy and life will be hell for everyone and you will be the cause." Early apple cart training.

Early stories are often very potent and best cared for in deeper trance, so I choose to go there. When the childSelf makes her appearance on the pages of my Journal, this is an indication that a deep release is possible. When she hides, then things are more difficult, so riding my breath now....going deeper down with ease, as if she is helping me to get there quickly.

She's waiting for me as I disembark from my traveling breath. A bit scruffy, but obviously a very responsible child...too responsible for her age. Reminds me of images of children laboring in factories and fields. Uncomfortable to see this. It's a lucky day for me. She is opening the "origination door." This is the earliest mind program. The program that started the need to please. The door is very heavy and I offer to help. "No, I can do it," she says. I find mySelf crying. She's so independent for someone so young...or is she? Sensing this is another part of the mind program. "I must pretend to be strong so I can take care of everyone and every thing."

I push the door open with her. Never again will she be expected to do these things....never again. We find ourSelves in the living area of our house. Our mother is lying on a chaise meant for the garden, making the scene even more imbalanced. Garden furniture belongs in the garden, not in the living room. Mothers don't do these things. Symbols of chaos despite the quietness. Is mother dying? In the eyes of the child, the mother symbol is already dead. The mother is severely depressed following the untimely death of the father. The mother is very angry, but holds it in place below the depression. The father died on the child's birthday and the child is held hostage in the mother's memory bank, as the two are linked together for life.

The child's job is defined by the mother. "Mother is sick and so, be a good girl and keep mother happy. Can you do that?" Of course, I know the child's reply. I've lived it.

Lesson Plan...No apples must fall from the cart. If the apples are kept steady, then things will be better. Always tend to the cart first before doing anything for yourSelf, for the mother is the most important person. If the mother is upset, she will also die and the child will be responsible. The child will become an expert at caring for the cart and all apples will be her responsibility.

I kiss the mother good-bye and take possession of the cart....flipping it over and watching the apples roll this way and that way. The child is frightened, but as laughter fills the image, the child begins to smile. Falling apples are not the end of the world...