Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Apple Carts & People Pleasing

Underneath personal "disorder" or "chaos" you can find the clues for healing.  In this section of my blog, I invite you to look inside my own "inner journal", as I continue to manage my own disorderly eating issues.


Oh, these darn "apple carts."

As I wander around my life areas, the carts seem to be strewn all over the place. I'm stunned to even find them in my Adult or Teacher Self area. What is this telling me? Of course I know without even asking my Journal. I'm a born pleaser. Even in areas where I excel, I'm so careful not to upset others. In fact, this has matured into a skill of mine. Yes, I'm an expert at not upsetting others.

How do I do this?

By "super-policing" ...noticing early indicators upset in others....perhaps even before they do. I remember someone telling me that I would make a wonderful "English butler." Taking care of everyone's needs, real or imagined, even before the need was born. Obviously, this is a very wearing job and not a healthy one.

The rationale in my conditioned mind goes like this. " IF all needs of others are met, then there will be no interruption in whatever it is that I want to do for myself." And..."if all apple carts are kept upright, then no time needs to be spent picking up the spilled apples." Obviously, this is a very wearing job and not a healthy one.

Question. How to resign from my "English butler" duties and what about those apples that will inevitably spill because there is no butler? Who will keep the carts steady or be responsible for picking up the apples?

Answer. "No one."

As for resigning, consider it done. No one can Journal in this area and not resign. It's a given. This is the power of Inner Hypnotic Journaling. Uncovering a block or unwanted behavior or habit, then releasing it. While you may find yourSelf missing your butler uniform, notice that it is no longer "fitting."

"OK, but what about the apples?" Another indication that it's tough to let go.

"Let the apples roll where they may. You will soon come to realize that the large majority of them don't belong to you." Oh, my control issue appears. The part of me that wants to own and rule all the apples. If I take ownership, then my life will be easier. Another ridiculous story of my conditioned mind. My tired body and mind speak out. "All this apple tending is exhausting. It would be a huge relief to just let go."

All of this looks good on paper, but what about in real life. Questioning if I would really be able to just look the other way when the apples fall and roll. Will I feel guilty? I'm so used to caring for everyone and every thing.

Obviously my desire to control is not going to go quietly into the night. This is such a huge conditioned habit, one that can be traced back to early childhood. "Keep Mommy happy and you will be happy," goes the story. "Upset Mommy and life will be hell for everyone and you will be the cause." Early apple cart training.

Early stories are often very potent and best cared for in deeper trance, so I choose to go there. When the childSelf makes her appearance on the pages of my Journal, this is an indication that a deep release is possible. When she hides, then things are more difficult, so riding my breath now....going deeper down with ease, as if she is helping me to get there quickly.

She's waiting for me as I disembark from my traveling breath. A bit scruffy, but obviously a very responsible child...too responsible for her age. Reminds me of images of children laboring in factories and fields. Uncomfortable to see this. It's a lucky day for me. She is opening the "origination door." This is the earliest mind program. The program that started the need to please. The door is very heavy and I offer to help. "No, I can do it," she says. I find mySelf crying. She's so independent for someone so young...or is she? Sensing this is another part of the mind program. "I must pretend to be strong so I can take care of everyone and every thing."

I push the door open with her. Never again will she be expected to do these things....never again. We find ourSelves in the living area of our house. Our mother is lying on a chaise meant for the garden, making the scene even more imbalanced. Garden furniture belongs in the garden, not in the living room. Mothers don't do these things. Symbols of chaos despite the quietness. Is mother dying? In the eyes of the child, the mother symbol is already dead. The mother is severely depressed following the untimely death of the father. The mother is very angry, but holds it in place below the depression. The father died on the child's birthday and the child is held hostage in the mother's memory bank, as the two are linked together for life.

The child's job is defined by the mother. "Mother is sick and so, be a good girl and keep mother happy. Can you do that?" Of course, I know the child's reply. I've lived it.

Lesson Plan...No apples must fall from the cart. If the apples are kept steady, then things will be better. Always tend to the cart first before doing anything for yourSelf, for the mother is the most important person. If the mother is upset, she will also die and the child will be responsible. The child will become an expert at caring for the cart and all apples will be her responsibility.

I kiss the mother good-bye and take possession of the cart....flipping it over and watching the apples roll this way and that way. The child is frightened, but as laughter fills the image, the child begins to smile. Falling apples are not the end of the world...