Friday, October 22, 2010

Arguing with Depression is Useless

Arguing with depression is useless. Saying I don't want something just brings more of it. Of course, this is the Law of Attraction and even though I know this, the knowing is not enough. It tends to make me angrier at myself. How can I know something and then not adhere to it? What is wrong with me?

Some would say that medication is the answer, but I don't want to take that road. I've been in and out of depression from childhood. Should I have been on medications all of my life? I don't think so.

I was watching Project Runway last night. It was the semi-finals with a lot on the line for these four designers. Only three of them would get to show their collections at Lincoln Center. The most intense moment had nothing to do with the fashion, but with the reaction of the one designer who was eliminated. When he realized it was him, his head hung low, his body immobile. His intense pain was palpable. When he was finally able to mumble some words, the problem was obvious. He was a failure, not only in designing, but in all his life choices including his sexual preference. "My parents will want me to return home, live with them, give up my dreams and expect me to marry a woman." Goodness...he couldn't see any of his success. Worse, he gave himself and his life choices to his parents.

As I watched Michael, my heart went out to him, but more importantly, my brain literally vibrated. Here was a living example of a depressive low, made intolerable by the attitudes and demands of others. Earlier this week I watched "Prayers for Bobby." Once again, this lesson underlined. I don't believe medications would have changed anything for either Michael or Bobby. These are self-image and esteem issues. Letting go issues. Stopping co-dependency and the need to please. Taking and living your own life.

Will others be hurt? Oh, that question. There are so many ways to answer it, some rougher than others. While hurting is never the goal, sometimes it can't be avoided. Sometimes we have to let go in order to save our own lives. Some "letting go's" are more difficult than others, often leaving depression behind. If one has a depressive personality, these become more burdensome, like quicksand holding you in place. I'm standing in some of that now.

There are no coincidences. My desire to open and look inside my own depression has been Universally supported by what's been placed in my line of vision. We get the lessons we ask for.

Why would anyone ask for the toughest lessons? For the same reason that students want to take the toughest courses in college. They want to excel and achieve at something bigger than themselves. Asking for tough self-development lessons is the same. Giving up smoking, alcohol, over-eating, emotional imbalance, co-dependency, nail biting and the list grows, is a testimonial to the true strength of the Self. It's a "yes I can" moment that continues through the lessons and beyond.

It takes great strength to walk towards that heavy weight, deciding to pick it up and hold it over one's head, but this is the way of healing. Once the decision is made and action is implemented, the lessons proceed on their own. It's that old adage, "be careful what you wish for." My answer to this is, "yes, difficult things are challenging, but what is life without challenges? Are we meant to just hang out in the quicksand?"

I want to write this particular book about emotional eating. I know I've been blocked because of my personal issues with the subject matter and the connected depression. Writing the book means that I have to give up many things. Perhaps this is what I saw in Michael and Bobby. It takes a lot to move away from what you don't want, but there is still a part of you that wants that very thing. For me, that is my eating disorder. I've not been ready to "seal the deal". I've not been ready to walk towards that heavy weight and pick it up. I've not been ready to finally say, "I'm finished with all of this."

But now...I am getting ready by releasing the tight core around me. Finally letting go.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

The Depressive Jail Term

The presence of depression has given me access to a deeper place in mind where my creativity & healing abounds. This doesn't mean that I choose to be depressed, but it is good to know that I can release the depression, no matter the level, and quickly enter my creative place. Depression is not my jail, and I'm not obligated to serve a jail term, no matter who else might like to deliver a count of shame or guilt on my behalf. Forget that...

Good news...The release of negative energy can be very swift, for I believe the body and mind choose to be free of all depressants. The body seeks homeostasis or balance. The mind seeks love. As for the body, I've seen this in the Emergency Room when a patient is admitted following a suspected heart attack, accident or other medical emergency. Stress and accompanying fear can be so overwhelming, but when techniques for emotional release are applied, the patient moves swiftly into the creative healing place. Heart beat slows, blood pressure normalizes, even bleeding stops....just through deep relaxation and release of stress chemicals. Yes, the body knows what to do.

As goes the body, so goes the mind. Exiting the jail, entering the love-containing light. We often call this the quiet or still place, the place of peace and love. Even if we didn't receive love as a child, or in our adult years, we are all capable of love-producing. Love images abound and they are ours to take and internalize. Even small, insignificant images can play out powerfully in our mind-body, changing physical outcomes and leading us into our creative space.

It's good to know that we do not have to depend on others for love deliveries. While it's good to have others who do so in our lives, we can succeed without it. There have been times in my life when this knowledge was extremely useful, changing the tides for me. Sometimes when we go through difficult periods, love deliveries tend to lessen. This is, of course, just the opposite of what it should be, but we might even notice ourselves rejecting love when we need it the most. I know that during some of my most difficult periods all I wanted was to be "left alone." I've seen this in my nursing career, as well as when working with addiction patients or even with students who were struggling. It's common in relationship difficulties, and when in an uphill fight of any kind.

I've been invited to enter one of my creative endeavors. The one I've chosen is one that I've been fighting for a very long time. It involves writing a particular book that has to do with eating disorders and is very personal. It's also one where I want to be left alone, rejecting love and support from others. I simply want to be left alone in my private misery. For some reason I resent the intrusion in this area of pain. It tends to block my ability to think clearly. I ask my Journal Master, "Does this make sense? I would really like to understand this. Perhaps then, I can explain it to those I love and who are offended by my outbursts."

"When creating anything, one needs to be alone in their own creative space. The deeper you go, the easier it is to work with your own subconscious mind. This is not the time or place for socialization. But, this does not mean that others cannot give you love and support, but not in these particular moments. I've observed you with this project and notice that you do not set up your boundaries very well. There are times when others are welcome and times when they are not. There is no need for great explanation, just for boundary setting.

Then there is the issue of the content of your work. This is yours and yours alone, unless others are co-writing with you. You are not obligated to anyone when writing your book. You have always had a tendency towards co-dependence and the need to please. This is where a good part of your rage comes from. Of course, a good percentage of your rage is suppressed and here is the connection to depression. The more you try to work through this project, the more rage you encounter, both from subject matter and from the interference of others who are connected to your eating issues, past and present. It's like experiencing a difficult birth.

So, you know what to do. Own and love your project. It is yours and yours alone. Set up your boundaries, releasing others from your life and work. Walk inside your completed book. Meet up with your "internal writers" who live inside the completed book. They have already written the book and you are the receiver of the "gift." Play amongst the pages, the words engaging you as you heal."

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Exiting Depression Hypnotically

A great benefit of working hypnotically is the ability to "time-travel." One doesn't have to be journaling or working with a hypnotherapist to do this. In fact, most of us do it all day long and are quite good at it. We call that "being lost in thought." Sometimes ( most of the time ) we're in the past, but other times we do visit the future. This is called "future pacing."

I'm feeling ready to do some "time-traveling" and that is good news for me. It takes a certain amount of energy to do this, and so....

Been resting in my "creative-healing space" for several days now. The depression and burnout I've been through have been exhausting, necessitating deep rest. Lots of body texting and emotional releasing. My emotional childSelf has been sitting by my side for the past few days. My exhaustion was so great upon arrival that she didn't show herself, so her presence tells me that I'm healing. She's out of hiding.

My automatic journaling has been very useful, opening some things, but mainly giving me a place to settle. One of the issues I experience when going through depression is my inability to focus on anything. Sometimes I'm so detached that it's necessary to write reminder notes to eat and wash my hair. Even then I don't want to move. Completely lost inside myself. Wandering around, but not moving. That's how bad it can be for me. I'm grateful to my journal for helping me through this. In the past, I often just sat waiting for it to finish, or at least to break open, so I could push through. Now doors present themselves with keys already in the locks. This is the joy of automatic journaling.

Feeling energized in the "creative healing space" is different than feeling hurried or pushed in the "circus of the world." It's like the energy here is clean, removed from the pollution of life activities. The "to-do twins" are not here to interfere with their head-spinning chatter and line-up of all the things fighting for my time and energy, polluting it further.

However...even though I'm in a different place, I notice a certain fear arising from the rebirth of energy, for it reminds me of how I got to my burnout-depressive state in the first place. I'm reminded by my Journal Master that this energy is different and so I relax into it. When fearful, I hold back...when relaxed I bend forward, greeting whatever is in front of me. It's rather like skiing...lean back and down you go....right on your head. Lean forward and speed comfortably over the ruts and ice. This time I can recognize the new, clean energy.

I look to the keys already in the locks, one opening by itself, revealing a mystery journey for me. All of these doors are "time-line travel" related. I know I'll either be going back in time or forward into the future, but I won't know until I allow myself to float into the space. Floating offers a wonderful sensation, similar to flying dreams, only with floating one can choose to do it whenever ...

It's easy to prepare to float. The sensation is already known, therefore the mind file is always ready to be activated. I take an entrance breath, bring forth the floating sensation, stepping into it. No need for a seat belt, just lifting off, rising above everything, then finding my desired altitude. Inside the sensation that moves itself with me in it. Having no idea where I'm headed and enjoying that. In conscious life I tend to be an over-planner, and while that can be a good thing, it is also wearing. Deciding to rest in the floating for awhile. Be back to my journal in just a bit.

Back....the floating deepened my trance state allowing me to feel very centered. I've landed in a particular area, not chosen by me or so I believe. Rather like getting on a plane, not knowing your destination, but feeling that you're in the right place. That's where I am now.

Exiting the floating bubble I sense happiness and love all around me. I know these feelings, but they have a foreign twist. I ask my Journal Master about this.

"They seem foreign because you've been away for quite awhile. Depression is like living on a different planet. Life is meant to be a loving place. You design your own environment, no matter what else goes on around you. This is the major lesson of why you are here. This is your purpose. The rest of life's "things" simply entertain your ego, but are also catalysts for attracting love. You haven't been utilizing them in this way. Instead, you have bought the sad, depression package and it's no bargain."

Seeing this in the morning light awakens me. Of course, I already know this, but knowing is not the key to staying in the light. There are things to be done on a moment to moment basis. I breathe in the air in this old, but new environment, understanding that this is always available to me.

I am free to each moment!