Arguing with depression is useless. Saying I don't want something just brings more of it. Of course, this is the Law of Attraction and even though I know this, the knowing is not enough. It tends to make me angrier at myself. How can I know something and then not adhere to it? What is wrong with me?
Some would say that medication is the answer, but I don't want to take that road. I've been in and out of depression from childhood. Should I have been on medications all of my life? I don't think so.
I was watching Project Runway last night. It was the semi-finals with a lot on the line for these four designers. Only three of them would get to show their collections at Lincoln Center. The most intense moment had nothing to do with the fashion, but with the reaction of the one designer who was eliminated. When he realized it was him, his head hung low, his body immobile. His intense pain was palpable. When he was finally able to mumble some words, the problem was obvious. He was a failure, not only in designing, but in all his life choices including his sexual preference. "My parents will want me to return home, live with them, give up my dreams and expect me to marry a woman." Goodness...he couldn't see any of his success. Worse, he gave himself and his life choices to his parents.
As I watched Michael, my heart went out to him, but more importantly, my brain literally vibrated. Here was a living example of a depressive low, made intolerable by the attitudes and demands of others. Earlier this week I watched "Prayers for Bobby." Once again, this lesson underlined. I don't believe medications would have changed anything for either Michael or Bobby. These are self-image and esteem issues. Letting go issues. Stopping co-dependency and the need to please. Taking and living your own life.
Will others be hurt? Oh, that question. There are so many ways to answer it, some rougher than others. While hurting is never the goal, sometimes it can't be avoided. Sometimes we have to let go in order to save our own lives. Some "letting go's" are more difficult than others, often leaving depression behind. If one has a depressive personality, these become more burdensome, like quicksand holding you in place. I'm standing in some of that now.
There are no coincidences. My desire to open and look inside my own depression has been Universally supported by what's been placed in my line of vision. We get the lessons we ask for.
Why would anyone ask for the toughest lessons? For the same reason that students want to take the toughest courses in college. They want to excel and achieve at something bigger than themselves. Asking for tough self-development lessons is the same. Giving up smoking, alcohol, over-eating, emotional imbalance, co-dependency, nail biting and the list grows, is a testimonial to the true strength of the Self. It's a "yes I can" moment that continues through the lessons and beyond.
It takes great strength to walk towards that heavy weight, deciding to pick it up and hold it over one's head, but this is the way of healing. Once the decision is made and action is implemented, the lessons proceed on their own. It's that old adage, "be careful what you wish for." My answer to this is, "yes, difficult things are challenging, but what is life without challenges? Are we meant to just hang out in the quicksand?"
I want to write this particular book about emotional eating. I know I've been blocked because of my personal issues with the subject matter and the connected depression. Writing the book means that I have to give up many things. Perhaps this is what I saw in Michael and Bobby. It takes a lot to move away from what you don't want, but there is still a part of you that wants that very thing. For me, that is my eating disorder. I've not been ready to "seal the deal". I've not been ready to walk towards that heavy weight and pick it up. I've not been ready to finally say, "I'm finished with all of this."
But now...I am getting ready by releasing the tight core around me. Finally letting go.
