Meeting the Addictive Self

Automatic writing, in the form of a journal, gives you the opportunity to combine meditation & communication with your Higher Self, as well as other parts of your personality. You now know that even difficult or disorderly parts, given respect & acceptance, can be helpful....even creative in your recovery process. As you become more skilled at doing this, you will begin to find your self-growth journey exciting & fulfilling. You will experience the physiological & emotional balance you have painstakingly searched for over the years, perhaps angered, but later amused at where it was hiding. Your disorderly eating & addictive Selves, once deplored, now become catalysts for your own personal growth & self-development. What was once hidden, is now a part of your "self-Family", working along- side your Therapeutic, Parent, Healer, Teacher Selves, ready to climb the ladder to a higher level of health & performance.

I've already shared that my issues with food had taken me to a very frightening place. I was physically sick, later to find out that I was actually knocking on the door of adult onset diabetes, one of the killer diseases & related to several other killer diseases including those involving the heart & circulatory system, as well as a connection to certain cancers. This condition is called hyperinsulinemia or metabolic syndrome & is very prevalent in our society. Knowing this is certainly frightening, but feeling the symptoms is even more so. Some of these include feeling extreme fatigue, sleepy after meals, headaches, severe body tension, shaky, anxious, fearful, moody & cognitive decline. I was afraid to leave the house & often parked the car on the side of the road, waiting to feel safe enough to drive. I share this with you because, despite all of that, it's almost unbelievable that I would find it difficult to do what I needed to do to get better. This was because of the unbelievable strength & unrelentless behavior of my Addictive childSelf. I was soon to meet up with this part of my personality in my journals & I'm forever grateful to them for giving me a place & the opportunity to work directly with my healing, Higher Power Self on a daily basis.

And now, I'll invite you to visit inside some of the journal entries, especially those where I'm in direct contact with this most challenging part, but first...

A NOTE TO NEW READERS:

This experiential blog/workshop is based on my new book, "How Many Cookies Will It Take to Make Me Happy?" If you are new to my writing, you might want to read the earlier mini-chapters. They are available on FaceBook, The PublishersMarketPlace & at the following link. Remember to scan down to find the earliest chapters & work your way up. http://beyonddisorderlyeating.blogspot.com/
A bit of background.... we are working with creative Interactive Self-Hypnosis imagery, planting suggestions directly into the creative subconscious mind as you read along. What appears like a story is a series of self-hypnotic sessions, designed to bring about desired lifestyle changes. The inner mind is creative & rather child-like, loving to play with images, especially when they are emotionalized. Just like the saying, "a picture is worth a thousand words", well-planted mind images, can be worth hours of therapy. We can actually change or motivate in 1/200th of a second. So come along & look forward to some lifestyle-changing events.

INSIDE THE JOURNAL

My addictive Self is very old in years, but very immature in knowledge & behavior. She's been around a long time, probably from the time I was three. I view "her" in my mind's eye as being about seven years old. She's extremely precocious, creative, funny, lovable, annoying & dangerous at the same time. Despite, or maybe because of the negatives, I actually like her. She makes me laugh & takes me to the "edge" of life, which I find exciting, just like any addict feels regarding the anticipation of getting the substance. She's actively into hiding, lying & other deceitful games which she delights in designing & then activating with powerful motivation. Surprisingly, she is super-disciplined & assertive, almost to the point of being agressive in her attacks on my psyche, never taking "no" for an answer. She will creatively circle any attempt to curtail her desires, feeling no remorse or contrition for what she was doing. My attempts to manage her have spanned decades. Sometimes, in the past, I felt like I had won, only to find myself facing an even more powerful version of herSelf. Yet, I continue to tolerate & even welcome her into my life.

As with any difficulty or difficult relationship, I know it is important to become a keen observer of behavior. I do that here in my journal. As I come to observe this part of me, I understand that I need to take an entirely different approach in our relationship. Arm wrestling and/or ignoring doesn't work. In fact, it does just the opposite. Here are some truths I've uncovered from my observations. Perhaps the first is the most important.

Throughout my life I thought I was addicted to cookies, cake, pretzels, soda & pizza, but now I know that they are only my surface addictions. My true addiction is to this part of my Self. She knows when to appear & knows what I need, or what I think I need. In a way, she's like a proper servant, even fooling me with that image, for she is not a servant at all, but a master. She is an engaging, buy sly controller of my destiny, not giving a care about my health or ability to function. She's possessive to a degree that I've never seen clearly, until I've looked in this way, through this journal. But, for some reason, I no longer have fear of her & that is a powerful shift from where I was. Instead, I can now feel pity for this unbalanced part of me. I'm wondering & very curious as to why she is the way she is, who & what brought her to this level of intensity in our relationship. I believe that by knowing these things, I will be able to heal her wounds & integrate her back into my balanced Self-family.

I call gently, welcoming her to converse openly with me here...I'm both excited & a bit nervous, but not frightened. My Higher Self is here by my side, the pages of my journal filled with light.

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Copyright 2009 Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht
May not be copied or reproduced without permission of the author.

Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht is author of Sugar...the Hidden Eating Disorder & How to Lick It. She is also the writer/producer of over 350 mp3/CD programs in the areas of medicine, health, prevention, addictions, self-development & sports for adults & children.

http://www.facebook.com/elizabeth.bohorquez
http://www.twitter.com/elizRN

http://www.hypnosis-audio.com
http://www.sugar-addiction.com
http://www.international-medical-health-writers.com

Inside the Journal

Being a therapist, I know the value of sharing insights & so, here are some entries from my own automatic writing journal. I've shared that my disorderly eating began at a very young age. In my book & also on my mp3 programs, I spend time getting at these very early subconscious mind files because editing them is very important. It doesn't matter that they happened it the past, they still need to be edited & in addition, can become very useful assets in the recovery process.

When you have eating issues, it takes a lot of courage to come out from behind the high wall you have built & to stop running away & hiding. There are many emotions that try to push you back. The journal is a good place to address them, because bringing them to the journal page is a first step in taking back control. In the beginning of my recovery the emotions that were paramount in pushing me back included embarrassment, shame, guilt, fear of failure, fear of criticism & fear of success. I've found it helpful to name emotions very specifically because it actually helps to disempower them. Most of us have never learned how to work with emotions. In fact, we don't like them & would prefer to lock them in the closet. Unfortunately they only become more powerful when locked away & so this is where becoming courageous comes into play. As for me, I found my courage living in the files of my own subconscious mind. As I learned to look at my early resources, I came to realize that I had overcome obstacles of all sizes & that I didn't just fall into "today" from the top of a tree. I was already a successful human being & this was just going to be another life experience for me to manage. A short, but powerful affirmation that I use is simply, "I CAN."

And now, I'll walk you through some of my early inner journal work, but first...

A NOTE TO NEW READERS:

This experiential blog/workshop is based on my new book, "How Many Cookies Will It Take to Make Me Happy?" If you are new to my writing, you might want to read the earlier mini-chapters. They are available on FaceBook, The PublishersMarketPlace & at the following link. Remember to scan down to find the earliest chapters & work your way up. http://beyonddisorderlyeating.blogspot.com/
A bit of background.... we are working with creative Interactive Self-Hypnosis imagery, planting suggestions directly into the creative subconscious mind as you read along. What appears like a story is a series of self-hypnotic sessions, designed to bring about desired lifestyle changes. The inner mind is creative & rather child-like, loving to play with images, especially when they are emotionalized. Just like the saying, "a picture is worth a thousand words", well-planted mind images, can be worth hours of therapy. We can actually change or motivate in 1/200th of a second. So come along & look forward to some lifestyle-changing events.

INSIDE THE JOURNAL

" I've become physically sick from the way I've been eating & this didn't start yesterday. Perhaps, if it had, it would be easier to let go of these dangerous habits. Funny, I never called them that before & it frightens me to think of them in that way. Why is that? I think it's because I consider myself an intelligent person & health professional. How could I have been so blind & for so long? Despite realizing that I'm killing myself, there is a part of me that still wants to do it. Some of the reasons for not wanting to stop seem simple, but perhaps they are not as they seem. Yes, it is going to be embarrassing to own up & to stand willingly in front of the dart board. I know my critics are waiting, even those that love me & those darts are going to be the most painful. I also have the fear that no one will believe the intensity of my illness from all of this, perhaps thinking that I'm blowing this out of proportion. After all, I'm the one who has done the research & most people I know don't know anything about hyperinsulinemia or pre-diabetes. I despise conflict & arguing my point, especially about mySelf. That's a remnant of the past when I was never allowed to speak up, a time when I was not respected as a human being. But, that is the past & while it would be helpful if others understood the seriousness of my dilemma, I do understand that I'm in this alone & perhaps that is the way it should be. After all, I need to become much more self-responsible.

Here's another big issue for me. Stepping out also means leaving a familiar part of mySelf behind. To me, I feel this as a form of self-abandonment. The part of me that ate secretly & binged was a best friend, keeping me company during some of my darkest hours. How can I abandon someone like that, even when I know that this part of me is causing me great harm, even threatening my life? This is a good example of my low self-image & esteem. Here I am still defending my silent killer, killing with donuts, chips & cookies, but killing never the less.

I've come to understand from my journaling conversations with my addictive Self, that our relationship is purely co-dependent. Like any other unhealthy relationship, it needs to change. I'm coming to understand that I truly don't need to abandon any part of myself, but instead, I can bring it forward to the light, where it can heal & in so doing, will reveal it's "inner secrets" or gifts. I've decided to use this very journal as the vehicle for doing just this & while it may take time, each step I take is one towards health & wholeness of my being. For this I remain grateful."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright 2009 Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht
May not be copied or reproduced without permission of the author.

Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht is author of Sugar...the Hidden Eating Disorder & How to Lick It. She is also the writer/producer of over 350 mp3/CD programs in the areas of medicine, health, prevention, addictions, self-development & sports for adults & children.

http://www.hypnosis-audio.com
http://www.sugar-addiction.com
http://www.international-medical-health-writers.com

Gifts from the Source

Living with disorderly eating or addiction is like existing in a dark room, waking each day to the same problems that seem never ending. If you are anything like me, you have tried hundreds of times to get the issues under control, only to find failure lurking around every corner. My disorderly eating & sugar addiction began when I was three years old. By the time I was six, I was adept at hiding food, especially sugar. I remember eating continuously & became the butt of family jokes & then discipline. I remember being embarrassed, ashamed & humiliated. I was even made to feel guilty for taking more than my share. However, none of this stopped me. It simply intensified my desire to eat more & hide more. Luckily I was a very athletic child & never gained much weight, but as I entered adolescence & adulthood, the binges became more intense, the secrets intensified & my weight yo-yo'd.

Underneath all of this, my self-image shattered & my self-value or esteem was practically non-existent. People said hurtful things, but none as damaging as the things I said to mySelf. I had lost my self-respect. No one, not even those closest to me, had any idea of my secret eating life & no one was able to see behind the huge, false-image facade I had built to protect my truths. Even I was afraid to look at who I had become, for it simply seemed too much for me to manage. It wasn't that I didn't try, because I did...over & over again. In fact, I remember feeling ashamed when I would make some efforts in this regard. No one took me seriously & looking back, I think this was one of the most hurtful things of all because I felt very isolated. After I found my own path to recovery, this was the kind of pain that I was to see repeatedly in my clinical practice & of course, I could more than empathize with it.

Despite being an RN & Clinical Medical Hypnotherapist, my recovery didn't "just happen." Eating disorders are complicated issues, having many facets. In the beginning, I believed like most people believe, it's a matter of staying on a diet & exercising. Being a very disciplined person, I did all that, but could never do it long enough to sustain what I was told was a healthy weight for me. All of these failures piled up, eating away at my self-image & esteem. I felt grossly inadequate, despite being very successful in my work. Ten years past....& then another ten. Each morning I woke up in the same place with the same thoughts & the same hauntings.

One day I woke up & things were not the same as they had been. On this very special day I was given a gift of very specific information that would open the mystery to my eating issues. I remember hearing the message, "pass it forward." That day I dedicated mySelf to doing just that & this book is a part of that dedication. These are the gifts from my Source....to yours.

But first....NOTE TO NEW READERS:

This experiential blog/workshop is based on my new book, "How Many Cookies Will It Take to Make Me Happy?" If you are new to my writing, you might want to read the earlier mini-chapters. They are available on FaceBook, The PublishersMarketPlace & at the following link. Remember to scan down to find the earliest chapters & work your way up. http://beyonddisorderlyeating.blogspot.com/
A bit of background.... we are working with creative Interactive Self-Hypnosis imagery, planting suggestions directly into the creative subconscious mind as you read along. What appears like a story is a series of self-hypnotic sessions, designed to bring about desired lifestyle changes. The inner mind is creative & rather child-like, loving to play with images, especially when they are emotionalized. Just like the saying, "a picture is worth a thousand words", well-planted mind images, can be worth hours of therapy. We can actually change or motivate in 1/200th of a second. So come along & look forward to some lifestyle-changing events.

THE PATH TO RECOVERY

The path to recovery is graced by being in direct communication with one's Higher Self. In past chapters I've touched on the need to be free of co-dependent relationships & to be self-responsible. I've mentioned many times that you are the writer, director & producer of your own life. You have a Therapeutic Self comprised of your Parent, Teacher & Physician Self. These are the elevated parts of your personality. Your lower-Self is comprised of your child, student & patient. These are the needy parts. And then, there is your Higher Self, as depicted by the "light." This is your Power Source, where you go to replenish energy & to build your self-image & esteem. As you can realize, this is a very self-sustaining organized unit, one of healing, leading to recovery.

We communicate with our Source in meditation, both formal & informal or in the moment. The Source is always available & ready to communicate. It is here that we receive guidance while building the self-image & esteem. There are certain things we know for sure & one of those things is that we are unique individuals. There will never be another person like you ever again. You are entitled to many things, simply because you are you. These include, but are not limited to respect, love, compassion, forgiveness & prosperity of many kinds. Your Higher Self or Source is there to guide you through your life journey. It helps to make up an image for this incredible relationship. I sense my Higher Self as a benevolent Parent, always ready to show me the way.

As we sit in meditation or awareness of our Source, we also bring issues to work on. These could include a need to build confidence, to become better at self-discipline, need for specialized knowledge, need for self-respect, gratitude & forgiveness to name a few. We also take this time to honor ourSelf & our achievements, for we all have many. Most of the time in life we wait for others to do this for us, but we do not need to wait. While it's nice to hear these things from others, you are no longer needy. You are no longer a victim. You take care of You. From now on forward, you are responsible for taking care of yourSelf, just as you would care for a child of yours & this how your Source cares for you, for you are the child of your Higher Self or Source. You are valuable. This is how self-image & esteem grows.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright 2009 Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht
May not be copied or reproduced without permission of the author.

Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht is author of Sugar...the Hidden Eating Disorder & How to Lick It. She is also the writer/producer of over 350 mp3/CD programs in the areas of medicine, health, prevention, addictions, self-development & sports for adults & children.

http://www.hypnosis-audio.com
http://www.sugar-addiction.com
http://www.international-medical-health-writers.com

Bicycle Riding to the Source

In most life experiences, we get into trouble when we are hanging out solely with our "immature Self." This goes double for dealing with the many aspects of disorderly eating or addiction. Sometimes it seems it's just the emotions we employ & how we think in their presence, but remember, to the subconscious mind, all thoughts are goal requests, acting like radar & pulling aspects of those desires towards us. Suppose you're in the supermarket & the smell of donuts permeates the air. The immature Self senses the opening & starts moaning & groaning about wanting one. Heighened sensory images can be very powerful, especially the sense of small. If you entered the supermarket without your Mature Self in place, then the immature Self has all the power. Not what we want when dealing with addictive eating.

The Mature Self is not just about discipline, for it's much more than that. This part of the Self enhances the self-image & self-esteem, thereby forming your inner power-base. When the self-image & self-esteem are strong, it's much easier to pedal through life.....less falls & less skinned knees.

When we are working to change disorderly or addictive eating, we need the Therapeutic or Mature Self to be ever present.We also know this Self as the Parent, Teacher & Doctor. The immature Self is comprised of the child, student & patient. We needour Mature Self to be strong & powerful & filled with hot, passionate desire. We need it to be assertive & to stand very tall in the face of opposition.

Those of us who have been engaged in fighting unhealthy weight or eating issues know how difficult it can be to stay on the bicycle & to keep it from wobbling on scary terraine. It's seems so easy to fall off, sometimes finding the Self wanting to fall off, as strange as that might seem, but if it's happened to you, you do know what I'm talking about here. Usually in the moment of the fall, the immature or addictive Self arrives, making it difficult to get back on & pedal forward. Remember, immature Self is both creative & incorrigable, loving weakness & always ready to jump in with compassion for the injuries, eager to share it's backpack of bandaid excuses. On the other hand, the Mature Self has a completely different agenda following any fall. The Mature Self is about courage, responsibility, discipline & persistence. This is not a willy-nilly Self, but one brings strength, self-respect & power to the moment.

As you come into heightened awareness, it will be easier to notice your immature Self. In the past, it was probably successful in hiding from you, but not any longer. You have chosen to see it & this is a very good thing to do. Once it is exposed, it can be healed & then brought into the desired goal with good discipline. In fact, you will want to encourage your inner mind to show you even more immature aspects of your personality.....the more you see or become aware of, the more you can heal & the more powerful you can become at riding your bicycle, perhaps taking paths that you have never explored before. Let me share some ways to go about doing this & at the same time show you how to stay energized through your daily rides.

But first....NOTE TO NEW READERS:

This experiential blog/workshop is based on my new book, "How Many Cookies Will It Take to Make Me Happy?" If you are new to my writing, you might want to read the earlier mini-chapters. They are available on FaceBook, The PublishersMarketPlace & at the following link. Remember to scan down to find the earliest chapters & work your way up. http://beyonddisorderlyeating.blogspot.com/
A bit of background.... we are working with creative Interactive Self-Hypnosis imagery, planting suggestions directly into the creative subconscious mind as you read along. What appears like a story is a series of self-hypnotic sessions, designed to bring about desired lifestyle changes. The inner mind is creative & rather child-like, loving to play with images, especially when they are emotionalized. Just like the saying, "a picture is worth a thousand words", well-planted mind images, can be worth hours of therapy. We can actually change or motivate in 1/200th of a second. So come along & look forward to some lifestyle-changing events.

PEDALING THE DAILY PATH

In previous blog/workshop entries you built a few Pods on your path. Later on I'll help you to construct even more of these, but for now, let's talk about how you transport yourSelf between the Pods. For this, you'll be riding your "bicycle." Even if you don't know how to ride one, in the practice of Interactive Self-Hypnosis, you do ride very well. In fact, you're impressed with how well you ride....perfectly balanced with lots of power in those legs, truly propelling you forward. You are happy & delighted with your talents & strength. Sense that now.

Of course, there are pebbles, even some stones on your daily path. This is normal & natural, so you are accepting of them, actually gaining confidence as you navigate your bicycle through them. Yes, it does take more energy, but this is of little concern because you have an ongoing energy source to refill yourSelf. Let me show you where it is. I'll pedal my bicycle ahead of you, so follow me down the Path to the right. At the end you will see a big light, just like the powerful sun. There is a chair there for you & a guest chair for me. Park you bicycle over there & come sit down with me. Make yourSelf comfortable. Tilt your eyes slightly upward, closing them after you read these instructions. You can sense the power of the light as it touches your head, your face & enters your body. This is your Source...your HigherSelf. It's desire is to refill you for your life journey. The more frequently you come here, the quicker you will be able to refill, because you will never be "on empty." Empty desire or energy puts you at risk for immature activities. Remember, the immature self is motivated by weakness.

In the next blog/workshop, I'll invite you to open your mind to more Gifts from your Source, thereby building your self-image & self-esteem.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright 2009 Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht
May not be copied or reproduced without permission of the author.

Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht is author of Sugar...the Hidden Eating Disorder & How to Lick It. She is also the writer/producer of over 350 mp3/CD programs in the areas of medicine, health, prevention, addictions, self-development & sports for adults & children.

http://www.hypnosis-audio.com
http://www.sugar-addiction.com
http://www.international-medical-health-writers.com