Saturday, July 04, 2009
Being a therapist, I know the value of sharing insights & so, here are some entries from my own automatic writing journal. I've shared that my disorderly eating began at a very young age. In my book & also on my mp3 programs, I spend time getting at these very early subconscious mind files because editing them is very important. It doesn't matter that they happened it the past, they still need to be edited & in addition, can become very useful assets in the recovery process.
When you have eating issues, it takes a lot of courage to come out from behind the high wall you have built & to stop running away & hiding. There are many emotions that try to push you back. The journal is a good place to address them, because bringing them to the journal page is a first step in taking back control. In the beginning of my recovery the emotions that were paramount in pushing me back included embarrassment, shame, guilt, fear of failure, fear of criticism & fear of success. I've found it helpful to name emotions very specifically because it actually helps to disempower them. Most of us have never learned how to work with emotions. In fact, we don't like them & would prefer to lock them in the closet. Unfortunately they only become more powerful when locked away & so this is where becoming courageous comes into play. As for me, I found my courage living in the files of my own subconscious mind. As I learned to look at my early resources, I came to realize that I had overcome obstacles of all sizes & that I didn't just fall into "today" from the top of a tree. I was already a successful human being & this was just going to be another life experience for me to manage. A short, but powerful affirmation that I use is simply, "I CAN."
And now, I'll walk you through some of my early inner journal work, but first...
A NOTE TO NEW READERS:
This experiential blog/workshop is based on my new book, "How Many Cookies Will It Take to Make Me Happy?" If you are new to my writing, you might want to read the earlier mini-chapters. They are available on FaceBook, The PublishersMarketPlace & at the following link. Remember to scan down to find the earliest chapters & work your way up. http://beyonddisorderlyeating.blogspot.com/
A bit of background.... we are working with creative Interactive Self-Hypnosis imagery, planting suggestions directly into the creative subconscious mind as you read along. What appears like a story is a series of self-hypnotic sessions, designed to bring about desired lifestyle changes. The inner mind is creative & rather child-like, loving to play with images, especially when they are emotionalized. Just like the saying, "a picture is worth a thousand words", well-planted mind images, can be worth hours of therapy. We can actually change or motivate in 1/200th of a second. So come along & look forward to some lifestyle-changing events.
INSIDE THE JOURNAL
" I've become physically sick from the way I've been eating & this didn't start yesterday. Perhaps, if it had, it would be easier to let go of these dangerous habits. Funny, I never called them that before & it frightens me to think of them in that way. Why is that? I think it's because I consider myself an intelligent person & health professional. How could I have been so blind & for so long? Despite realizing that I'm killing myself, there is a part of me that still wants to do it. Some of the reasons for not wanting to stop seem simple, but perhaps they are not as they seem. Yes, it is going to be embarrassing to own up & to stand willingly in front of the dart board. I know my critics are waiting, even those that love me & those darts are going to be the most painful. I also have the fear that no one will believe the intensity of my illness from all of this, perhaps thinking that I'm blowing this out of proportion. After all, I'm the one who has done the research & most people I know don't know anything about hyperinsulinemia or pre-diabetes. I despise conflict & arguing my point, especially about mySelf. That's a remnant of the past when I was never allowed to speak up, a time when I was not respected as a human being. But, that is the past & while it would be helpful if others understood the seriousness of my dilemma, I do understand that I'm in this alone & perhaps that is the way it should be. After all, I need to become much more self-responsible.
Here's another big issue for me. Stepping out also means leaving a familiar part of mySelf behind. To me, I feel this as a form of self-abandonment. The part of me that ate secretly & binged was a best friend, keeping me company during some of my darkest hours. How can I abandon someone like that, even when I know that this part of me is causing me great harm, even threatening my life? This is a good example of my low self-image & esteem. Here I am still defending my silent killer, killing with donuts, chips & cookies, but killing never the less.
I've come to understand from my journaling conversations with my addictive Self, that our relationship is purely co-dependent. Like any other unhealthy relationship, it needs to change. I'm coming to understand that I truly don't need to abandon any part of myself, but instead, I can bring it forward to the light, where it can heal & in so doing, will reveal it's "inner secrets" or gifts. I've decided to use this very journal as the vehicle for doing just this & while it may take time, each step I take is one towards health & wholeness of my being. For this I remain grateful."
Copyright 2009 Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht
May not be copied or reproduced without permission of the author.
Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht is author of Sugar...the Hidden Eating Disorder & How to Lick It. She is also the writer/producer of over 350 mp3/CD programs in the areas of medicine, health, prevention, addictions, self-development & sports for adults & children.