Saturday, October 30, 2010 Friend?

"Make friends with your enemies and they will introduce you to yourself through a different set of eyeglasses."

I know this as truth. My darkest life experiences have been my most extraordinary teachers, but for some reason I've not approached my chronic depression in this way. No, that's not true. I've approached the experiences, but not the actual depressive emotion. I've never thought of them as two separate entities, but I can now understand that they are different.

It would be helpful to know what my "depressive self" knows, because heightened awareness or waking up is key to a higher level of recovery. I'm tired of just dealing with the depression when it surfaces. I never really know when that is going to happen, nor how long it's going to hang out. Usually it's at a very inconvenient time, not that there would be a good time for depression.

So, how do I make friends with it and what can it show me?

My Journal Master is not answering. Sometimes answers come immediately, even before my question is fully formulated and other times, it takes awhile. This used to confuse me, leaving me with the impression that the subconscious mind either didn't hear me or didn't want to reply or was making up some garbage to appease me. Experience taught me that none of this is true. I'm not sure why there is a delay, but I'm now confident that when a question is asked, the answer will be forthcoming. If there is a delay, I'm encouraged to spend more quiet or still time, giving space for the answer to birth itself. I'll do that now.

"You have to be ready and to have an accepting space for important information."

Oh...thank you.

So, after hearing that, I've decided to move away from my Journal and sit "for a spell" in my favorite meditation chair. Certain places or pieces of furniture can act as catalysts for relaxing deeply... entering the creative/healing space. At the very same time I'm making an "accepting space" for the new information. It feels so good down here. I can certainly understand when patients tell me that they want to stay in this area of the mindbody. Unfortunately or fortunately, we have to return to the reality of our day, for this is where we get to work with the new information.

It's interesting to observe the time element in hypnosis, for indeed there is no such thing as time. It simply doesn't exist. On the earth plane, I'm used to things either happening quickly or slowly, but hypnotically it can happen it a fraction of a second, or whatever that is, for there is no such thing as time. Everything is already in it's completed state and all that has to happen is to request it, have the cleared space and it is there. Bang!

I do want to meet my depressed Self. Part of me feels responsible for having created Her, another part of me wants to set Her free, but yet another part of me wants to know what She knows. I'm hardly finished "thinking" this when She appears, looking nothing like I thought she'd look like. Truly, I expected a Self with a low-hanging head, perhaps a pocket full of used tissues, OR an angry Self, ready to take me on. She is none of those.

She smiles, extending Her hand, welcoming me to Her world. There is no labeling of depression, just an original Self with clear experience and Knowledge. She is serious and worldly, perhaps someone I'd actually want to hang out with. I'm attracted to her. Yes, truth be know, I'm attracted to my Depressive Self. Why is this?

"There is a part of you that is very deep and introspective. There are parts of life that are difficult, sad and complex. The emotions that hang out in these regions are not pleasant, but they are real. If you look around your world, you don't have to look far to find them. The world can be seen as a "crying game". It's addictive and can feel familiar and comfortable, being very uncomfortable. It's like being tired, but falling into a comfortable sleep on a bed of thorns."

My depressed Self wants to walk my past path with me. It already knows that I want to find out about my eating issues....the addictions, compulsions, secret eating and great sadness. I want to know why I have such fights in this area of my life. What's underneath all of this? Will I ever be free? Can this part of me help?

We walk back further than I thought. It's strange to be in this area. I'm very young...sitting in my high chair in the kitchen. I'm distracted by my desire to sob. I have no idea why this is happening to me.

"The child is very sensitive. She reads the energy of the mother who is displeased with many things. The child doesn't know how to discern, but as she reads the energy, she replicates it inside of herSelf. She is not a happy child, but is frightened to express it, for she is fearful. If you have ever seen a puppy who cowls down in the presence of someone, you can imagine the feelings inside the very young child. She has already learned to detach herself. She slips inside the imaginary hood of a monk. Look at her. Can you see it?"

This image is very uncomfortable for me. I've lived inside the "monk's hood" for most of my life, wanting to be invisible, but also wanting someone to rescue me. This is a seminal image for my depression and I'm grateful for being brought to the image.

"Yes, I am your depressed Self, but I am willing to open the door for you. This is only one door. I was actually formed as a self-protection for you. I'm not the enemy, but your long-time protector. I'm happy to's been a long time coming. First change your energy. You must go to the baby and other images I provide to you with an energy of relaxed, but assertive power. Your energy is transferred to the images, for this is how you heal. Ready? Go now into this image, very gently move the monk's hood back from the baby, for she is a baby. Sense your energy as it moves from you to the baby. Pick her up. Always gently, but with no trepidation, for you are the Master. Hold her to your heart. Press her inward....more....more....until she is absorbed. Now, turn away from the image, for there is nothing more to do here. Come back out of the scene....I'm waiting for you. We have many places to visit."

I thank you dear friend. I am grateful for you.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Forgiveness Exercise

My Journal Master is ready to take me through the "forgiveness" exercise. Only this time, it's for the purpose of a full release. I'm a bit unsettled about this...

Leaving chronic depression seems next to impossible. I've left other "life jail cells" before, but for some reason, low-level depression defines me. I've never considered this a bad thing, and I don't want to see myself in that light. It would mean dishonoring the person who I've been for so many decades.

"You are not your mood."

Oh...usually my Journal Master doesn't jump in so early in my writing. This must be a pivotal moment.

Some "lessons" appear small, but are very big. I do know this lesson, but sometimes despite knowing, I can slip and fall back into old ways. Or, I don't interpret the lesson in the particular area of life. I think this is the case here. I've never really seen my lower level depressive states as anything negative. I've always been somewhat passive, looking inward...always thinking or exploring some other dimension. But, there are times when I'm totally different, liking changing a coat. I notice it, as do others. I'm focused, totally tuned in and fully participating. It's like a light comes on in the room. So, I'm wondering, is the light switch the issue here. Is the light always to be on? Won't the bulb burn out after awhile? Am I really blocking my creativity with my low level depression or this just some side-trip of mine?

"Stop the investigation." Journal Master again.


"Please sit comfortably in your tree-chair, allowing nature to pull you gently down. Sense the power of nature as you go down, feeling gratitude for this moment in time. Take your time with this for there is no need to rush. Take a deep yawn breath through the bottom of your feet, inviting it to travel up through your body, emptying each cell as it passes through. Sense yourself deflating like a balloon at the end of a party."

Noticing people standing in a line over to the right...recognizing some. A chair has found it's way, positioning itself in front of me. Thinking this is for the guests. The first guest comes forward. It is my mother. I'm surprised that I'm so relaxed in her presence. Our relationship, a mixture of extreme love and hate. Instructions come forth. A small pile of hearts appear on my lap. I give her one, telling her that I love her and forgive her for anything she might have done to hurt or offend me during my life. I ask her to forgive me as well.

Nothing major is happening. No big moments, no revelations, absolutely nothing, or so I think. I'm told to continue. My mother leaves and my father appears. The ritual remains the same. Once again, nothing much to report.

Next come my brothers, one by one. Then a representative of my aunts, uncles, cousins. Same ritual. Next in line are my children, one by one. Michael laughs. I'm not surprised, but I keep my composure and continue the ritual. Representatives for my daughter's-in-law, colleagues, friends, and someone representing who ever I left out.

Feeling something now, but can't define it. It's some sort of shift. I look before me, finding my husband. Oh... a difficult moment for me, but the ritual takes over. Noticing black drops exiting my finger tips. I look at my husband and find the same thing happening. Not completely sure what this means, but I'm not looking for meaning. Remember....stop the investigation!

My husband exits, surprising unto itself. Receiving a look from my Journal Master. Guess it will take more time for me to balance that part of my life.

Yes now.

Myself enters, sitting across from me. This is rather unexpected. Not sure what to do. It's odd looking at myself in this way. "Follow the ritual." Giving myself the last heart on my lap, giving forgiveness and now asking for the same.

I'm rather lightheaded, wondering if I can continue or if I bit off too much. "Stop the investigation and just BE." The "me" leaves and first I feel drained, but then normality returns.

Am I finished?

"No, you are just beginning."

The Eye-Witness

Since my "forgiveness exercise" I feel like I'm riding bumper cars. For some reason I thought that my life experience would be peaceful and smooth, like living on a heavenly plane, but instead I get this.

"The anger is releasing and it often bumps as it exits. Are you noticing the different varieties that you tend to store. They are quite different from each other."

My Journal Master is already on the end of my pen. This is happening more frequently now. We must be having a closer relationship. In the beginning She was like a date who didn't call back very often, but now I breathe a question to myself, and find the answer before the question is completed. A bit unnerving, but obviously this is part of the process and I do want to disassemble my chronic depression for good. It's like a 5000 piece puzzle, but one I want to do.

I explained my project to someone the other day. "Does this mean that you'll NEVER be angered or depressed again? Goodness, that sounds terrible. What will we talk about? Can we still be friends?!" Remembering the Venus fly-trap metaphor and the "depressed five". Yes, it's all true.

I'm eager to know how my disorderly eating and sugar addiction is connected to my repressed anger. I do know there is a connection to both that and my cuticle picking. Why do I have to wait so long for an answer to this? I'm reminded of a woman who called me yesterday for an appointment to stop smoking. "I want it done quickly. Boom, bang, boom." I remember thinking, "My dear, you are going to have to unravel this, to find and dismantle the crux. That, unfortunately, is not a boom, bang, boom job." And, so it is with me...

"Well now. You are paying attention. Remember that your teachers come from all directions and your lessons are carefully embedded. This time you were awake. Congratulations."

It's true. Usually I would have been totally exasperated with a client like that, but I remember my feelings in that moment were those of compassion and also excitement for her. She is awakening to the need to stop smoking and most likely is frightened by what she knows she is doing and has done to her body. She is on the brink of awareness that will transform the rest of her life. Addiction is not about the substance, but what is underneath....the crux. Yes, some substances are a bit ratty to get out of the body system, but if the crux is opened and cleared, then one can get through the release of toxins. I've seen it thousands of times and have experienced this personally.

So, my disorderly eating is not about the food or drink. It's about the crux. I thought I had cleaned it before, but there are many levels, some going back to infancy. Certain people can trigger the deep responses, even if those people weren't around at the time the crux was infected in some way. I can also trigger them, even though I may have no recollection of what started the crux infection.

The "forgiveness exercise" touched these. Finding people in my life more difficult to forgive or to ask for forgiveness. I'm not surprised at the "big players", but a few of the less connected did awaken me. I'm thinking that they hold the keys because my involvement with them is less, so it should be easier to figure out the puzzle, especially with the help of my Journal Master.

"It's important to do your own work, because the digging builds muscle."

I sense myself in one of my mind gardens. Several emotional children are at work there. Some are helpful, others are not. It's easy to see who is who. Their names are on their tee shirts, helping to specifically define them. It's here I notice the "garden variety of anger", much of it repressed....pushed into the soil of my life. There are special tools for repressing. I'm noticing one "garden variety" called Righteous working with great angst. Reminds me of a funeral burial. So much sadness combined with anger. As She depresses the issue it's clear where "depression" originates. It's all about the pressing, depressing into the soil of my life. I'm reminded that this will fester under the surface for years to come unless it is released.

But releasing is not enough. These depressing activities need to stop if I am to live in a different life environment. Several children are coming up from my "past path." They are pushing wheelbarrows full of things that have dug up from their individual gardens. These things have been depressed. No wonder I've been feeling the bumping.

Overwhelmed. What am I supposed to do with these?

Then, I realize the children are not walking towards me, but instead, towards the light of my Higher Intelligence.

"Everything has power. Everything can be transmuted or changed for the better. There is nothing you have to do, except to witness this. Then, you can start to reorganize your gardens."