Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Forgiveness Exercise

My Journal Master is ready to take me through the "forgiveness" exercise. Only this time, it's for the purpose of a full release. I'm a bit unsettled about this...

Leaving chronic depression seems next to impossible. I've left other "life jail cells" before, but for some reason, low-level depression defines me. I've never considered this a bad thing, and I don't want to see myself in that light. It would mean dishonoring the person who I've been for so many decades.

"You are not your mood."

Oh...usually my Journal Master doesn't jump in so early in my writing. This must be a pivotal moment.

Some "lessons" appear small, but are very big. I do know this lesson, but sometimes despite knowing, I can slip and fall back into old ways. Or, I don't interpret the lesson in the particular area of life. I think this is the case here. I've never really seen my lower level depressive states as anything negative. I've always been somewhat passive, looking inward...always thinking or exploring some other dimension. But, there are times when I'm totally different, liking changing a coat. I notice it, as do others. I'm focused, totally tuned in and fully participating. It's like a light comes on in the room. So, I'm wondering, is the light switch the issue here. Is the light always to be on? Won't the bulb burn out after awhile? Am I really blocking my creativity with my low level depression or this just some side-trip of mine?

"Stop the investigation." Journal Master again.


"Please sit comfortably in your tree-chair, allowing nature to pull you gently down. Sense the power of nature as you go down, feeling gratitude for this moment in time. Take your time with this for there is no need to rush. Take a deep yawn breath through the bottom of your feet, inviting it to travel up through your body, emptying each cell as it passes through. Sense yourself deflating like a balloon at the end of a party."

Noticing people standing in a line over to the right...recognizing some. A chair has found it's way, positioning itself in front of me. Thinking this is for the guests. The first guest comes forward. It is my mother. I'm surprised that I'm so relaxed in her presence. Our relationship, a mixture of extreme love and hate. Instructions come forth. A small pile of hearts appear on my lap. I give her one, telling her that I love her and forgive her for anything she might have done to hurt or offend me during my life. I ask her to forgive me as well.

Nothing major is happening. No big moments, no revelations, absolutely nothing, or so I think. I'm told to continue. My mother leaves and my father appears. The ritual remains the same. Once again, nothing much to report.

Next come my brothers, one by one. Then a representative of my aunts, uncles, cousins. Same ritual. Next in line are my children, one by one. Michael laughs. I'm not surprised, but I keep my composure and continue the ritual. Representatives for my daughter's-in-law, colleagues, friends, and someone representing who ever I left out.

Feeling something now, but can't define it. It's some sort of shift. I look before me, finding my husband. Oh... a difficult moment for me, but the ritual takes over. Noticing black drops exiting my finger tips. I look at my husband and find the same thing happening. Not completely sure what this means, but I'm not looking for meaning. Remember....stop the investigation!

My husband exits, surprising unto itself. Receiving a look from my Journal Master. Guess it will take more time for me to balance that part of my life. So...now?

Yes now.

Myself enters, sitting across from me. This is rather unexpected. Not sure what to do. It's odd looking at myself in this way. "Follow the ritual." Giving myself the last heart on my lap, giving forgiveness and now asking for the same.

I'm rather lightheaded, wondering if I can continue or if I bit off too much. "Stop the investigation and just BE." The "me" leaves and first I feel drained, but then normality returns.

Am I finished?

"No, you are just beginning."