Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Eye-Witness

Since my "forgiveness exercise" I feel like I'm riding bumper cars. For some reason I thought that my life experience would be peaceful and smooth, like living on a heavenly plane, but instead I get this.

"The anger is releasing and it often bumps as it exits. Are you noticing the different varieties that you tend to store. They are quite different from each other."

My Journal Master is already on the end of my pen. This is happening more frequently now. We must be having a closer relationship. In the beginning She was like a date who didn't call back very often, but now I breathe a question to myself, and find the answer before the question is completed. A bit unnerving, but obviously this is part of the process and I do want to disassemble my chronic depression for good. It's like a 5000 piece puzzle, but one I want to do.

I explained my project to someone the other day. "Does this mean that you'll NEVER be angered or depressed again? Goodness, that sounds terrible. What will we talk about? Can we still be friends?!" Remembering the Venus fly-trap metaphor and the "depressed five". Yes, it's all true.

I'm eager to know how my disorderly eating and sugar addiction is connected to my repressed anger. I do know there is a connection to both that and my cuticle picking. Why do I have to wait so long for an answer to this? I'm reminded of a woman who called me yesterday for an appointment to stop smoking. "I want it done quickly. Boom, bang, boom." I remember thinking, "My dear, you are going to have to unravel this, to find and dismantle the crux. That, unfortunately, is not a boom, bang, boom job." And, so it is with me...

"Well now. You are paying attention. Remember that your teachers come from all directions and your lessons are carefully embedded. This time you were awake. Congratulations."

It's true. Usually I would have been totally exasperated with a client like that, but I remember my feelings in that moment were those of compassion and also excitement for her. She is awakening to the need to stop smoking and most likely is frightened by what she knows she is doing and has done to her body. She is on the brink of awareness that will transform the rest of her life. Addiction is not about the substance, but what is underneath....the crux. Yes, some substances are a bit ratty to get out of the body system, but if the crux is opened and cleared, then one can get through the release of toxins. I've seen it thousands of times and have experienced this personally.

So, my disorderly eating is not about the food or drink. It's about the crux. I thought I had cleaned it before, but there are many levels, some going back to infancy. Certain people can trigger the deep responses, even if those people weren't around at the time the crux was infected in some way. I can also trigger them, even though I may have no recollection of what started the crux infection.

The "forgiveness exercise" touched these. Finding people in my life more difficult to forgive or to ask for forgiveness. I'm not surprised at the "big players", but a few of the less connected did awaken me. I'm thinking that they hold the keys because my involvement with them is less, so it should be easier to figure out the puzzle, especially with the help of my Journal Master.

"It's important to do your own work, because the digging builds muscle."

I sense myself in one of my mind gardens. Several emotional children are at work there. Some are helpful, others are not. It's easy to see who is who. Their names are on their tee shirts, helping to specifically define them. It's here I notice the "garden variety of anger", much of it repressed....pushed into the soil of my life. There are special tools for repressing. I'm noticing one "garden variety" called Righteous working with great angst. Reminds me of a funeral burial. So much sadness combined with anger. As She depresses the issue it's clear where "depression" originates. It's all about the pressing, depressing into the soil of my life. I'm reminded that this will fester under the surface for years to come unless it is released.

But releasing is not enough. These depressing activities need to stop if I am to live in a different life environment. Several children are coming up from my "past path." They are pushing wheelbarrows full of things that have dug up from their individual gardens. These things have been depressed. No wonder I've been feeling the bumping.

Overwhelmed. What am I supposed to do with these?

Then, I realize the children are not walking towards me, but instead, towards the light of my Higher Intelligence.

"Everything has power. Everything can be transmuted or changed for the better. There is nothing you have to do, except to witness this. Then, you can start to reorganize your gardens."