Saturday, December 04, 2010

Ten Fingers Riding

Sitting in my meditation chair, happy to be here. Life is such an on-going merry go round for me. I complain, yet I stay on the ride, holding on tightly to the horse's neck, watching the world outside of myself just sit there while I speed by, hardly able to breathe.

The truth is that I like this way of being, or do I? Is this just an idea I sell myself because I don't want to look at the way I run my life? This has been an ongoing question for many decades. Just writing that makes me wince. How can anyone be asking the same question for decades? What does that say about me?

My Journal Master jumps in. "Ignoring or the head in the sand technique is very popular."

"But," I insist, "is it really necessary to ask the question? Why can't I just accept that this is the way I am, that this is what I like, and just be done with it?"

Journal Master..."Here comes the train."

Yes, we are at the train station. There are two train tracks. One train goes back to the past, the other goes forward into the future. The only train in the station is the one that goes back, so I'm assuming there is a reason for not giving me a choice.

I get on the train, wondering how far we need to go back to find the origination of my compulsions and the secrets they hold. I'm surprised to find other passengers sitting in the first class car. There are my fingers with bandaids on some of the cuticles. I notice a group of eating issue compulsions including car eating, evening and night eating, junk shopping, the rep from fast food, and the most powerful binge and secret eating parts. Other compulsions sit on the left side of the car. These are old, many forgotten, but they are here anyway. The loudest one is my work compulsion who is debating her strengths with my need to be the winner Self.

I ask my Journal Master. "Why are they here?"

The answer, "Who knows better than them? Do you have a problem facing them?"

No, I don't. For many years I've invited them out of hiding, even sharing them with my patients. I always believed that it helped others to know that I truly understand the battles. So, if they need to be here for me, I'm comfortable with that.

The train starts and picks up speed, going way back, almost to the beginning. This surprises me because how young could I have possibly been when all of this started.

Journal Master..."We return to the beginning of pleasure, for that is the purpose of each individual in the train car. Feeling uncomfortable was not acceptable to the baby, so something was always given to sooth the complaining child. Look out the window and watch how this was accomplished by those in your family. So many people in attendance. The baby must not cry, squirm or show any sign of being uncomfortable. But, of course, after awhile pacifiers, bottles of milk, rocking and stroking were no longer available. So, what's a growing baby to do?

As you became older, you never wanted or were taught that it was OK to feel unpleasant emotions, nor how to diminish them. Something external was always needed. As stressors were added, more external devices needed to be located and made available. You had many teachers who helped you to find these things. You observed your friends, family members and the public. Teachers always abound. Then, there are others who join your group. No shortage of disorderly eaters, compulsive shoppers, alcoholics, drug addicts, or anything else. It feels good not to be alone. The world is full of addicts and enablers. So, even if you are physically alone, you are joined at the hip by the world's addicts."
I ask, "So, they all have a purpose and that purpose is noble even though it can hurt me?"

"Yes, the problem is not the compulsion or addiction, but the stress that it is asked to manage. While many of the compulsions are not healthy, that is not the issue. It's all about the developing and storing of the stress. Your release mechanisms haven't been healthy. You've been focusing on the wrong thing and that has caused the problems, for there will always be stress, just as the young baby demonstrated."

As we ride along the time-line certain areas light up, indicating high stress. Some areas are brighter than others. The baby's stress was simple, but high to the baby. The compulsions or addictions are getting off the train at different stops. I can notice the stress lights and also remember the particular things that were happening in my life at those times. Some are seminal events like death of my father and grandmother. Others are also bright, probably unnoticed by anyone but me for I didn't have an engaged mother or family. Things that might have been helped through balanced family relationships were not, leaving me to find some sort of external means of release. These then developed into habits or compulsive needs for letting go or relaxing. That's why the body tension becomes so huge and the need to engage with one of my train members becomes vital, for the release of stress is "vital." Stress can kill.

I look at those passengers that remain in the train as I come nearer to where I am now on my time line. Of course...most of the addictions or compulsions have gotten off. I'm left with the fingers and some vestiges of my disorderly eating, mostly secret in origin. I have less choice now, so the ones that are present appear to have worsened.

It's clear to me what must be done before heading for the future time-line train...

Friday, December 03, 2010

Ten Fingers Leading

My Journal Master greets me before I even sit down. I'm under the impression that something very important is going to be shared today. I have mixed emotions, both excited and frightened because important things mean that something is going to change. It has to. I cannot be made aware and not change. Just knowing something means that a door has been opened and that whatever is behind it is no longer hidden.

I remember that the "talking fingers" told me that they would show me how they are connected to my eating and other compulsive issues. I'm worried that this connection may make it impossible for me to manage any of them, because when things are too big, then they are unmanageable.

"Just stop. You are already planning to fail. And, you know very well that when you plan to fail, that's just what you'll will do, then blaming it on whatever is convenient."

Having an active Journal Master is like living with one's coach. I can't get away with anything, not even a thought or some jotting on a piece of paper.

"Why would you want to get away with anything? I would have thought that you were past that childish behavior? So, I say to you, "grow up and get on with it. It's time to leave the pram and get on with your life issues. If not now, when?"

Yes, something important is going to happen today. My ten fingers are stretched out before me. Goodness, I'd better not tell anyone that I'm having an ongoing conversation with my fingers! But, then again, why not? Body parts are living and they don't get to make choices on their own. As I think this through, what finger would actually ask another finger to pick it's cuticle or pull off it's nail that it took so much time to grow? So, this has nothing to do with the fingers. They are the victims in all of this and I do want to know what they know, because they are in touch with other parts of "me" that are doing this to them. they are making sense. That in itself is a bit frightening to me. I'm thinking that if they can talk to me, what about my other parts? Does my stomach have something to say about the food I ate yesterday?

One finger has been designated the spokesperson. It's number #3, the one I've picked on for years. I'm embarrassed to face this particular finger, for I have no idea why #3 has been my finger of choice. I'm actually surprised that it speaks to me in a kind, compassionate voice. If someone had picked on me for years, I would hardly be willingly to be helpful.

#3 speaks..."There is always a benefit for a behavior. Habits are simply repeated behaviors, but always having a benefit. You know that you don't pick continuously. In fact there are years when you never picked. Remember? If you look back, in those years your "use of compulsive behaviors" was almost nil. While you have a history or arsenal of compulsions to choose from, you only use them when you need them. If you look back over different segments of your life, your time-line, match up your highest use of compulsions with what was happening during those times. Then you can enter those areas hypnotically and gather important information that will allow you to re-program the history of compulsion use."

I ask #3, "If something has past, how can it be re-programmed?"

My Journal Master steps in. "Everything, past, present or future can be programmed or re-programmed. That's the way the subconscious mind works. Think of it as an editing process. You write a book. The words are there. Then, you go back and change the words. The book is changed or edited. When you read the book, you read the edited version. Your reactions are based on that version. It's the same with other mind programs. While many of your compulsive programs are heavily etched in your subconscious mind, you can still re-edit them. It may take a bit more time, but it is possible. Remember, first you must locate what you choose to re-edit. In the past you didn't do that, but used a strong discipline. While you are a good disciplinarian, that is not the best way to change because you falter when stress rises and the going gets tough."

I begin to think now. It would be best to meditate on all of this. Once relaxed, I'm going to travel my time-line, looking for the high compulsion areas and the connected life experiences. I'd like to gather these before entering the areas. Somehow I believe that will be easier. Perhaps then, one will heal another more quickly. Yes, this seems to be the right choice. I know this because my body and breath change with the arrival of the idea.

I thank #3 and the other seven. I'm going to my meditation chair now.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Forgiving Mother

I thought about organizing the meeting with my mother and the children I found at the cemetery. I designed a sign-up sheet, thinking this would be an easy way to bring the children forward. The images that played in my mind weren't all that uncomfortable which actually surprise me. I thought it would be more frightening than this for those parts of me. Then, I've come to realize that there are less children signed up for the meeting than the number who were at the cemetery. No teen child signed up. Not one.

Now, I realize that these were difficult years, but my mother died over a decade ago. Could there still be so much resentment that those parts won't even meet with a deceased soul? How did they get like that? I honestly don't remember any incident other than the one that happened in my adult years that was never smoothed over.

"Smoothing over doesn't mean forgiveness or the return of pure love." My Journal Master again. That's the thing with self-hypnotic journaling. I never know when the Therapeutic part of me is going to jump in with some point of departure. "Who did the smoothing?" Several children step forward. I'm surprised that they are young. I wouldn't have thought they knew enough to smooth over any sort of disagreement.

"We smoothed." How innocent looking they are. I'm sad to know they had to do this. "She wouldn't talk to us until we smoothed." I have a pain in my chest. Wondering if I'm having a heart attack. I think I'll go get a glass of water.

Back now. No heart attack, but certainly an attack of the heart. It's the sadness and grieving for the little girls who are so lost and lonely. Yes, I remember my mother not speaking to them, but I had forgotten how many of them were abused in this way. No wonder the pain is so great. Emotional abuse can be extremely painful, worsened by coming unexpectedly. The day goes on in a normal fashion and then "bang." A problem arises and the mother shuts down. The child is left abandoned in her own mind and life. The grief is huge. Does the mother realize this? I wish I could climb inside my mother and find out why she did this and if she had any idea as to what her child was suffering.

"It wouldn't help." That's the Journal Master. "Of course she knew, but she was fighting her own demons and didn't have the skills to help herself. Her behaviors brought her more guilt, but like an addict, she couldn't stop, nor admit her failures." The work you are doing here is about your children, helping them to heal and to come out the other side of the woods as healthier adults. You are now the mature, mother-figure to your inner children. So, shall we continue?"

I post a memo telling all of the children that I expect them to attend. They are coming with me, and I'm in charge. I will be speaking directly to the mother, but they need to be there in order to heal. I will not be attacking the mother, but opening my heart, giving her a reason to open her own and all children will open their hearts as well.

I also send out a memo to all teens and young adults, telling them the same. They are no longer in charge, nor will they be asked to do anything, other than to be present. All grown adults will also be present. In short, everyone will attend. Attendance will be 100%. We've spent long enough in the victim, retaliation state and it's time to heal and move forward. I know the mother wants this as well. I can sense it deep in my gut. It's as if she is here with me, looking forward to having all of this over with forever.

The children arrive first, followed by the teens, young adults and older adults. They sit in the seats provided. I'm in the front of the room with a screen for images ready to go. I start by putting up photos of my mother's birth. There are my grandparents and her siblings. She was a middle child, so not all of my aunts and uncle are present, but I'm surprised at how young everyone looks. Of course, my mother is a tiny baby. My children are invited up to the screen where they can reach him and touch her, but very gently. She smiles with the attention. The picture changes to a time when my mother was a toddler, then a young school child. My children can now ask her questions. The dialog goes back and forth. Everyone is comfortable. Next, comes my mother's teen years. My teens are interested in her now....lots of questions back and forth.

My mother married young, as did I. My young married self is surprised at how young my mother is and shares some stories with her, as well as feelings/emotions. They have much in common. Next comes photos of my mother giving birth to my brothers who were close in age. My young adult talks to her, surprised to learn how frightened she was and the difficulties she shared with my grandmother who didn't speak English. She felt inadequate and had little understanding of being a mother. All of us could feel compassion for her.

Next came my mother's desire to have another child, a girl and then I was born. I didn't realize this, but my mother had an early menopause making her emotions every more difficult to manage. She had two young sons, a baby daughter, a husband who was rarely home in the evenings due to his work and so her insecurities soared. The baby needed to be still, and so I was. The mother was not ready to cope with this part of her life and there was no one to explain what was happening. While I had my children at an earlier age, I could feel my mother's discontent and could send her compassion. I also know that I was far from being a perfect mother, hoping that my children would find it in their hearts to forgive me. My inner children finding interest in the older components of themselves. All being one in the same.

I scoop everyone up in my arms and tell my mother. This is who I am. While I know you are my mother, I don't know you completely, but I do love you. As a whole, we love you and thank you for all you have done for us. You were a human being, with faults just like all of us. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive us, and in so doing we all forgive you, for we are one in the same.

I sit still now. My insides are vibrating. I don't know why this is, but I figure I won't vibrate forever. Soon I'll stand up and go on with my life, happy to put this on a lower shelf in my mind.

Ten Fingers Teaching

About the shadow bag...

I really don't have to open it in order to manage your compulsive issues, but I may choose to have a look some other time. There are useful things in there, things that can help me in many parts of my life even though they are heavy. The good news is that I don't have to pull it around. I can just leave it by the side of the path. No one is going to bother it, and then I'll come back when I feel like it and begin to empty it out.

I've been working with my ten fingers. They suggested that I give them some self-hypnotic guidelines.... a new ritual of sorts. There are things they simply aren't allowed to do and other things that they can do. The creative part of me finds this somewhat amusing.

My Journal Master has joined the meeting I'm having with my ten fingers. It's suggested that I learn more about my life-long habit, for it is an opportunity for me to get to know myself better. I'm interested in knowing more about this. Even though I've had this habit since childhood, each time I do it "it is different." This blows my mind. I've always believed that the same habit has continued, but now I realize that's not true. The biting/picking that I did at age 7 or 12 or 30 were all different from anything I did yesterday or today.

I often have no recollection of ever starting or stopping my nail picking action. So will it really be possible for me to stop? What's even more upsetting, is that often I don't want to stop and I can inflict heavy damage to my fingers without even feeling the pain.

One finger has been designated as the "speaker." Her name is #3. I'm rather embarrassed that she was chosen because she's my most favorite finger to pick on. I come to find out that she is very knowledgeable. I apologize to her before she speaks, thanking her for sharing her insights.

"Because your pain sensors are dulled by the negative hypnotic trance of the habit, it can be quite amazing how much pain needs to be inflicted before you wake up to it. This particular facet of nail biting and skin picking makes it very different from other pain-causing, self-destructive habits such as pinching or cutting. You may awaken at the sign of blood or when you have reached a certain level of destruction, often programmed into your own subconscious mind. Once the awakening occurs, the pain can then be felt and you may find yourself focusing on this, then choosing to stop the destruction. It's interesting to note that you may or may not stop automatically when this specific level of destruction or pain occurs. It's as if the mind has it's own rules about this, and in a way it does.

Let's explore this a bit further. The subconscious mind appears to have an internal censor that determines how much destruction will be acceptable. You will unconsciously go to this acceptable level and then stop. Sometimes that level is set quite high and so the damage might be quite extensive. I think this is what is happening to you now, especially in relation to me....#3. You might also have an inner mind program with a lower acceptable level, providing less damage, but still disallowing yourself to be completely free of the habit. I know you are aware of this. It's like living with a teasing monster. You may think you have finished, but for some reason you can never achieve the "perfect ten." This in itself is a terrible self-punishment. The habit becomes a controlling force within your personality, often working to destroy your self-image and self-esteem.

Let's work with self-hypnosis...

Get to the mind screen through the usual route. Image or simply think yourself biting or picking. Don't turn away. This is simply in front of you and it is very important to look and observe. Notice there is a number up in the right hand corner with a dial sitting right next to it. The number corresponds to when your subconscious mind agrees to wake you up to what you are doing. You might also notice that the level of self-destruction is also indicated. Play with the dial, first turning it way up and then way down. There is a number that indicates less damage, but still allowing biting or picking. Obviously the behavior will be less than the higher numbers that are connected to the more severe damage. Find that number, observing the image. There is also the digit called zero, indicating no biting, no picking and therefore, no damage.

I'd like you to program the first number, the one that wakes you up earlier, the one with less damage, but still allowing the biting or picking. This is an excellent place to begin because it is here that you will begin to build your awareness. Noticing your image, allow it to relax deeper into the moment. Change your breathing...change the pace of the movement...if the fingers are in your mouth, remove them gently, placing them on your relaxed abdomen that is going slowly up and down. Allow your fingers to ride the abdomen, just as if they were sitting on a merry-go-round horse. If the you in the image is picking cuticles, or other areas, gently bring the fingers to the merry-go-round horse.

ACTIVE AFFIRMATION: Please plant this in the way that you already know.

I am in charge of my subconscious mind dial. I decide the level of activity between my fingers and other parts of my body.

We'll meet again later and I'll show you how we are connected to your eating and other issues...

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Ten Fingers Talking

It's the right time to begin now. I spent some time yesterday doing some simple meditations. Not long ones...just five minutes or so, woven throughout my day. I've come to realize that I haven't been "fractionating" lately. I really need this meditative approach because I'm truly an A-type personality or a "high-wire act." I've always been like this, and while this could be called a compulsion, I prefer not to look at it in this light. To me, anything can become a compulsion when my "spiritual centered self" is not in charge, but instead, the actual compulsion demands to be. This means that I can eat and enjoy chocolate when my centered self agrees, but when my compulsive self pushes that part out of the way, shoving all the chocolate she wants into her mouth in order to quell the body and mind tension, well then, that's the compulsive act.

I'm ready now to enter my cuticle picking compulsive area now. It's not pretty...but it does need to be faced and "house-keeping" needs to be done.

Entering my first deep meditation and then going off into special active imagery designed especially for my compulsive areas. I've noticed that my mind has directed me to turn around and look at what I'm's my shadow bag. The bag is quite big and heavy. No wonder I'm so weary from all of this. Sometimes, like right now, I'm not even aware of what I'm dragging. I've just become so accustomed to it.
The bag has a rope that is tied in a knot. I read this as a "not." Do not open me. Be afraid of me. You don't want to see what's inside of me. I'll destroy you. I despise you. You are not worth of anything good. Go ahead...try me and then you'll know what it is to disappear."

Threats and more threats. No wonder I work so hard at my compulsions. If I keep busy enough, then I'll forget about the shadow bag with the "not." I won't have to look at it because it is behind me. What's behind me is less threatening, or so I believe. Of course, this isn't true. Then, the compulsions can punish me because I deserve to be punished. Why should I expect good things? I actually don't have time for anything good because I'm too busy pulling my shadow around. I've convinced myself over the years that I can enjoy the punishments. Over-eating? Bingeing? Compulsive shopping? Enjoying the moment of the "fix." Loving the ritual of the fix. Thinking about it....planning it...all the details....all parts giving me a "fix of sorts." Then, there is the satisfaction right after the fix. That's separate from the ultimate moment of being in the fix.

I want to ask some questions of the cuticle picking compulsion. May I do that now? I believe I'm in the right place. This is something I started around the age of seven. It was very displeasing to my mother and I became an expert at hiding this, but I don't believe that is the crux. My mother is dead and I still return to this when I'm highly stressed. While I don't like doing it, there is a very strong compulsion to do it.

The compulsion answers. "Look for the purpose, for there lives the answer. Notice when you do it, for you don't do it all day long. Actually, there are more moments when you don't do it than when you do it. Pay attention. There is a ritual around it. Open the ritual. Ask the questions to each part of the ritual. Take it apart. It's a puzzle that is willing to open to you now, for you have come to speak to it in a loving way."

I'm ready. Please sit down with me...ten fingers come forward.

I feel sad as I notice them. It's been rough for them over the past year. They tell me what it feels like to be "picked on." Oh...that metaphor tells me something. I've always felt "picked on" since early childhood. Constant picking, picking, picking. Always tense, expecting the picking from those around me, especially those holding the power. I feel myself shrinking down, just thinking about it. I'm very sad in this place.

The fingers show me some living images of when I do this. The ritual is lining up, nor presenting itself. But, I'm told to look at the "prodromals." These are things that come "before" the ritual. These are usually the same, therefore announcing themselves to the ritual, so the parade of the parts can begin. I'm noticing that the picking happens when I stop my "busy" behaviors. It's when I sit to rest. Similar to giving a baby a pacifier to settle it down so it can go to sleep. My fingers offer that to activity to quell my tension. That's very clear now. After finishing dinner, etc., I sit in the same chair to watch the news. Then the fingers find each other. Pick, pick....relax, relax. Now I understand why I can enjoy this, for I'm not utilizing any other mechanism that offers this type of release. Now noticing how hard I can pick. Goodness...what is this about? The tension must be quite intense...interesting word - "in-tense"...inside the huge tension.

Now, what is to be done? Find a way to release that doesn't destroy. First, understand that you do not need to punish yourself. Yes, you need to break your hypnosis during the day, that auto-pilot place where you never take a break to release. Next, interrupt the pattern. Put your hands somewhere else. Hold something. Anything to break the auto-pattern or ritual.

I practice some ideas hypnotically....others come to mind. I see/sense myself free of this. My new programs are now being placed in my subconscious mind. The ten fingers relax as I look at them...


Monday, November 29, 2010

Compulsive Wasp Stings

My guilt eraser already has one flat end. It's amazing to me how much guilt, shame and fear has gone unnoticed throughout my life. Of course, I can spend time blaming others, but the majority of "guilt events" come through my own mouth and thought processes. Then, there are the events that are noticed, but are just let to stand, as if I were in charge of shooting myself down. The rifle range has been very busy.

It was suggested by my Journal Master that I visit some of my own circus rings, perhaps starting off with "the compulsive one over there." When I went looking for it, I didn't know which compulsive one my Journal Master was referring to...because there were so many. This in itself stunned me. Now, it's not that I'm not aware of my compulsive tendencies, but I only seem to think about the major ones, leaving the smaller to hide themselves away. What's interesting about compulsions, is that one fosters or supports the others. So, if I have hundreds, then each one is connected to the others by an under-ground root system, continually feeding and helping their counterparts to grow and become stronger.

Although I've journaled for decades, this time I had a very specific reason for taking my pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. My compulsions have been escalating for the past year or so, and I thought it would be beneficial to get inside or underneath them, helping to remove the core issues. Now I'm seeing that there are not three or four, but three or four hundred. This certainly isn't what I had in mind when I decided to do this. I feel like I've disturbed a wasp's nest. Now I'm getting stung at every turn.

My Journal Master jumps in, "So what do you plan to do?"

My response, "Shouldn't I be asking you that question?"

"Well, you can ask away, but remember that all questions revert back to you, rather like a boomerang. I thought you might enjoy simply taking responsibility right off the bat, instead of sending it to me first."

"Why do I feel like another wasp just took a bite out of my arm? It's rough being the only one to row the boat, but I'll take the challenge. I'm much stronger now than I was before, especially since I wrote the short novel. My protagonist was a real straight-shooter, able to turn situations around on a dime, so I guess I can do the same."

I've decided to enter one of my biggest, then find the tangents, follow them out and see where they lead. Then, with luck, I'll be able to disband some of the small ones, thereby lessening the electrical charge that they deliver to my bigger issue.

I'll use self-hypnosis to do this. My mind wants to visit all of them, but that's part of my compulsive behavior. I want to do everything, have everything, and to have it "right now." That's why my compulsions are so toxic. They all want to be first, arguing as they go.

There are four or five big ones and they are also "very old." I remember three of them starting early in childhood. Those have to do with skin picking/nail biting and compulsive/emotional/stress and secret eating. The third big one has to do with shopping or non-shopping. I can binge shop OR I can stay away from shopping for years on end. I'm not talking about food...but clothes, household items, etc. Then, there is the fourth one....always needing to stay busy, but not just regular busy...this type of busy is always about taking on huge projects, then having to finish them as the "winner." They are all super-exhausting in their own way. Small ones include needing some sort of noise going on, collecting different things including books, magazines, CD's, you name it. This is different from the shopping compulsion. It's very specific to self-development. In other words, needing to make myself better in some way. This says "I'm not good enough." Then there is the computer, Farmville ( LOL ), FB nonsense, even blogging. My writing can get very compulsive as well. It either goes in that direction or I don't write at all, just letting my projects pile up over there on my desk. I have a cleaning compulsion & since we decided to sell our home, I have a new compulsion to get rid of everything in site. It started off as simply "de-cluttering", but it's taken on a whole new look to the point that even my husband backs away from me when I'm locked in that state. I bring a bit of humor to this, but it truly isn't funny. The tension in my body makes that clear. In the past, I've touched on other addictions that also became compulsions. Most of those have finished, but the others have taken their space.

I'm still deciding which big to enter first. I do understand how they are all connected, or at least I think I do. However, when I think deeply about them, my mind refuses to cooperate, almost like dropping a veil over the compulsion and then moving me on to something else. That is happening right in this moment. I'm journaling, but my mind is traveling through a group of other compulsive areas, interrupting and causing me to procrastinate. My body is growing tense, my breathing is changing and I have a strong desire to eat something or pick my cuticles. This is how they keep me in turmoil and also how they keep their own strength building. If they keep me from "housekeeping", then they can stay more powerful. That is their game. So, I'll use self-hypnosis to get in and from there, I'll be able to take charge of certain things.

I'm running out of space, so this will be continued in my next blog. I have chosen to enter my cuticle picking compulsion for this is the one that bothers me most right now.