Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Ten Fingers Talking

It's the right time to begin now. I spent some time yesterday doing some simple meditations. Not long ones...just five minutes or so, woven throughout my day. I've come to realize that I haven't been "fractionating" lately. I really need this meditative approach because I'm truly an A-type personality or a "high-wire act." I've always been like this, and while this could be called a compulsion, I prefer not to look at it in this light. To me, anything can become a compulsion when my "spiritual centered self" is not in charge, but instead, the actual compulsion demands to be. This means that I can eat and enjoy chocolate when my centered self agrees, but when my compulsive self pushes that part out of the way, shoving all the chocolate she wants into her mouth in order to quell the body and mind tension, well then, that's the compulsive act.

I'm ready now to enter my cuticle picking compulsive area now. It's not pretty...but it does need to be faced and "house-keeping" needs to be done.

Entering my first deep meditation and then going off into special active imagery designed especially for my compulsive areas. I've noticed that my mind has directed me to turn around and look at what I'm dragging.....it's my shadow bag. The bag is quite big and heavy. No wonder I'm so weary from all of this. Sometimes, like right now, I'm not even aware of what I'm dragging. I've just become so accustomed to it.
The bag has a rope that is tied in a knot. I read this as a "not." Do not open me. Be afraid of me. You don't want to see what's inside of me. I'll destroy you. I despise you. You are not worth of anything good. Go ahead...try me and then you'll know what it is to disappear."

Threats and more threats. No wonder I work so hard at my compulsions. If I keep busy enough, then I'll forget about the shadow bag with the "not." I won't have to look at it because it is behind me. What's behind me is less threatening, or so I believe. Of course, this isn't true. Then, the compulsions can punish me because I deserve to be punished. Why should I expect good things? I actually don't have time for anything good because I'm too busy pulling my shadow around. I've convinced myself over the years that I can enjoy the punishments. Over-eating? Bingeing? Compulsive shopping? Enjoying the moment of the "fix." Loving the ritual of the fix. Thinking about it....planning it...all the details....all parts giving me a "fix of sorts." Then, there is the satisfaction right after the fix. That's separate from the ultimate moment of being in the fix.

I want to ask some questions of the cuticle picking compulsion. May I do that now? I believe I'm in the right place. This is something I started around the age of seven. It was very displeasing to my mother and I became an expert at hiding this, but I don't believe that is the crux. My mother is dead and I still return to this when I'm highly stressed. While I don't like doing it, there is a very strong compulsion to do it.

The compulsion answers. "Look for the purpose, for there lives the answer. Notice when you do it, for you don't do it all day long. Actually, there are more moments when you don't do it than when you do it. Pay attention. There is a ritual around it. Open the ritual. Ask the questions to each part of the ritual. Take it apart. It's a puzzle that is willing to open to you now, for you have come to speak to it in a loving way."

I'm ready. Please sit down with me...ten fingers come forward.

I feel sad as I notice them. It's been rough for them over the past year. They tell me what it feels like to be "picked on." Oh...that metaphor tells me something. I've always felt "picked on" since early childhood. Constant picking, picking, picking. Always tense, expecting the picking from those around me, especially those holding the power. I feel myself shrinking down, just thinking about it. I'm very sad in this place.

The fingers show me some living images of when I do this. The ritual is lining up, nor presenting itself. But, I'm told to look at the "prodromals." These are things that come "before" the ritual. These are usually the same, therefore announcing themselves to the ritual, so the parade of the parts can begin. I'm noticing that the picking happens when I stop my "busy" behaviors. It's when I sit to rest. Similar to giving a baby a pacifier to settle it down so it can go to sleep. My fingers offer that to me...an activity to quell my tension. That's very clear now. After finishing dinner, etc., I sit in the same chair to watch the news. Then the fingers find each other. Pick, pick....relax, relax. Now I understand why I can enjoy this, for I'm not utilizing any other mechanism that offers this type of release. Now noticing how hard I can pick. Goodness...what is this about? The tension must be quite intense...interesting word - "in-tense"...inside the huge tension.

Now, what is to be done? Find a way to release that doesn't destroy. First, understand that you do not need to punish yourself. Yes, you need to break your hypnosis during the day, that auto-pilot place where you never take a break to release. Next, interrupt the pattern. Put your hands somewhere else. Hold something. Anything to break the auto-pattern or ritual.

I practice some ideas hypnotically....others come to mind. I see/sense myself free of this. My new programs are now being placed in my subconscious mind. The ten fingers relax as I look at them...