Monday, November 29, 2010

Compulsive Wasp Stings

My guilt eraser already has one flat end. It's amazing to me how much guilt, shame and fear has gone unnoticed throughout my life. Of course, I can spend time blaming others, but the majority of "guilt events" come through my own mouth and thought processes. Then, there are the events that are noticed, but are just let to stand, as if I were in charge of shooting myself down. The rifle range has been very busy.

It was suggested by my Journal Master that I visit some of my own circus rings, perhaps starting off with "the compulsive one over there." When I went looking for it, I didn't know which compulsive one my Journal Master was referring to...because there were so many. This in itself stunned me. Now, it's not that I'm not aware of my compulsive tendencies, but I only seem to think about the major ones, leaving the smaller to hide themselves away. What's interesting about compulsions, is that one fosters or supports the others. So, if I have hundreds, then each one is connected to the others by an under-ground root system, continually feeding and helping their counterparts to grow and become stronger.

Although I've journaled for decades, this time I had a very specific reason for taking my pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. My compulsions have been escalating for the past year or so, and I thought it would be beneficial to get inside or underneath them, helping to remove the core issues. Now I'm seeing that there are not three or four, but three or four hundred. This certainly isn't what I had in mind when I decided to do this. I feel like I've disturbed a wasp's nest. Now I'm getting stung at every turn.

My Journal Master jumps in, "So what do you plan to do?"

My response, "Shouldn't I be asking you that question?"

"Well, you can ask away, but remember that all questions revert back to you, rather like a boomerang. I thought you might enjoy simply taking responsibility right off the bat, instead of sending it to me first."

"Why do I feel like another wasp just took a bite out of my arm? It's rough being the only one to row the boat, but I'll take the challenge. I'm much stronger now than I was before, especially since I wrote the short novel. My protagonist was a real straight-shooter, able to turn situations around on a dime, so I guess I can do the same."

I've decided to enter one of my biggest, then find the tangents, follow them out and see where they lead. Then, with luck, I'll be able to disband some of the small ones, thereby lessening the electrical charge that they deliver to my bigger issue.

I'll use self-hypnosis to do this. My mind wants to visit all of them, but that's part of my compulsive behavior. I want to do everything, have everything, and to have it "right now." That's why my compulsions are so toxic. They all want to be first, arguing as they go.

There are four or five big ones and they are also "very old." I remember three of them starting early in childhood. Those have to do with skin picking/nail biting and compulsive/emotional/stress and secret eating. The third big one has to do with shopping or non-shopping. I can binge shop OR I can stay away from shopping for years on end. I'm not talking about food...but clothes, household items, etc. Then, there is the fourth one....always needing to stay busy, but not just regular busy...this type of busy is always about taking on huge projects, then having to finish them as the "winner." They are all super-exhausting in their own way. Small ones include needing some sort of noise going on, collecting different things including books, magazines, CD's, you name it. This is different from the shopping compulsion. It's very specific to self-development. In other words, needing to make myself better in some way. This says "I'm not good enough." Then there is the computer, Farmville ( LOL ), FB nonsense, even blogging. My writing can get very compulsive as well. It either goes in that direction or I don't write at all, just letting my projects pile up over there on my desk. I have a cleaning compulsion & since we decided to sell our home, I have a new compulsion to get rid of everything in site. It started off as simply "de-cluttering", but it's taken on a whole new look to the point that even my husband backs away from me when I'm locked in that state. I bring a bit of humor to this, but it truly isn't funny. The tension in my body makes that clear. In the past, I've touched on other addictions that also became compulsions. Most of those have finished, but the others have taken their space.

I'm still deciding which big to enter first. I do understand how they are all connected, or at least I think I do. However, when I think deeply about them, my mind refuses to cooperate, almost like dropping a veil over the compulsion and then moving me on to something else. That is happening right in this moment. I'm journaling, but my mind is traveling through a group of other compulsive areas, interrupting and causing me to procrastinate. My body is growing tense, my breathing is changing and I have a strong desire to eat something or pick my cuticles. This is how they keep me in turmoil and also how they keep their own strength building. If they keep me from "housekeeping", then they can stay more powerful. That is their game. So, I'll use self-hypnosis to get in and from there, I'll be able to take charge of certain things.

I'm running out of space, so this will be continued in my next blog. I have chosen to enter my cuticle picking compulsion for this is the one that bothers me most right now.