Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Hide and Seek

Oh....that desire and search for one's "true Self." Perhaps that's a reason why I'm journaling again. Tossing off all the encumbering coats, hoping the person I'm looking for is somewhere underneath.

My "journal master" finds this a delightful subject, encouraging me to put pen to paper. This subject has always intrigued me and I do admit to being on this journey, but it's been a long hunt and wondering if this is just one of those never ending, fruitless games life Farmville. Never enough crops, buildings or animals. Do self-searchers have levels like farmers? Wondering what those statistics say about my progress....and is it progress that I'm looking for OR is it the true true Self.

Life is both long and short. Considering if there is actually such a person, and if so, where is she and how can I find her. Is she living in an exact place on my time-line? Is this all nonsense? Should I care?

Then wondering IF she truly exists, do I want to find her? And, for what purpose? Suppose my true Self doesn't get along with my husband, kids or anyone else. What if she doesn't like my career choices and has desires that aren't within my means? What then? More stress? Since I can't imagine anyone free of problems or issues, does she have a new variety for me to deal with? Certainly don't need that.

Remembering the time when I had psychotherapy after being very ill. No longer knew how to be well. Remembering my family not approving of the "new me." I imagined myself a chameleon, changing back and forth, of course, always to please others. My psychotherapist likened me to a caterpillar who was turning into a butterfly. No wonder I was more confused than ever. So much for looking for my true Self.

I ask my pen to answer "do true Selves have eating disorders?" Wouldn't mind being free of that. Life without bingeing or craving junk. Now, that might be worth leaving town for."

That last question must have popped the cork because I'm told that it is time to go deeper down the spiral staircase. Reminds me of my mother when she had enough of me. Yes, I know how to do this, so catching up with my deepening breath, I sit comfortably allowing the breath to take me deeper down. Pleasurable sensations as the body opens, releasing stored tension. The mind quiets, stillness prevails. Comfortable, like being inside a protective womb. Noticing the thoughts going down the path, to a place where thoughts go. Relieved of their duties. Probably exhausted from residing in my super-active traffic in Times Square.

Finding myself on the golden path and going in the direction of the light. This is where I usually meet up with my emotions, both negative and positive. But, today things are different. My past and future paths are filled with people of different ages, even babies being carried in baby-backpacks. I'm surprised that the very oldest people are walking without any help or devices. While they look old, their energy and spirit are obviously high. I'm confused regarding the number of people and return to my journal to clarify what's going on.

When journaling hypnotically, the pen writes by itself, without any efforting on my part. The question is known before even asking. The people are taking the places of the emotions. The ones from my past path are sitting on the left. Those from the future path, sitting on the right. According to my pen, other than the obvious, this holds no importance. It's not like one side is negative, the other positive as when the emotions appeared. They are simply divided into past and present. The youngest baby is my birth self. The oldest woman is my last self. Each individual carries two books. One represents what they have come to learn; the other what they have come to teach.

" true Self is somewhere in the crowd?"

The pen writes, "Your true Self is the self-images and in everything else. It has no boundaries. It is not your body, your mind, your thoughts, your emotions, your habits, behaviors or addictions. While it is present in those things, it is not those things. Your true Self is a spiritual essence. Look to the light."

Rays coming down, infusing all who are present including myself. Or, whoever I am, for at this point I know nothing at all, except that "I am."

This knowing is both old and new. I can't say that I didn't know this, because I did, but to sense this in the inner environment where I now find myself, is new. Yes, I have felt the connection before, but not in this way. The difference seems to be the presence of my time-line people. These are my mentors, both past and present. The two books that they hold are filled with gifts for me. A new understanding emerges. The books will guide me forward, even the books of the past individuals. Exactly how this will happen is not clear to me, but I'm assured that all will happen as it is meant to that my connections have been made whole.