Relax. Let go. Breathe. Meditate. Stop the pushing. Where do I get off?
Living in my body/mind is like riding the NYC subway at rush hour. This morning I explained to my journal that it's always been like this, so what is the purpose of changing? Well, according to my pen, just because something "has always been" doesn't mean that it "needs to remain," nor does it necessarily mean that it is a "good thing."
I hate being woken up in this way. It's much more comfortable to just stay asleep. But, comfort isn't why I came back to inner journaling. Another example of thinking something is a good idea and then waking up in the middle of the pain. Like the last time we tiled the bathroom. The pictures of the finished project looking great in my head, but the tiles slipped into their own version of the truth. Now, once again, questioning my moments of insanity, expecting things to be the way my mind perceives.
The last weeks have been filled with continuous "subway travel." The doors never opening. No respite....just pushing and shaking my body back and forth. A meditation unto itself?
The other passengers appear hypnotized, locked in their own world. Thinking that if someone were to shove a knife into my side, no one would notice my blood dripping on the floor. Leaves me with the belief that we're all very alone on this train ride, going towards destinations that either exist or not.
Lots of chit chat about choices and road maps and decision making and the rest of the usual mind garbage. It's amazing how we can repeat all of this day after day, then sleep and get up for more of it. Yes, we do get to some destinations, but for most of us we sleep through our arrival or don't even enjoy it when we get there.
"Sounding depressed today?" Ahhh...the pen flowing "therapist ink."
Thinking about this and wondering if all days are filled with some level of depression. Can hardly remember a fully sunny day. Are there such days? Have to ask around, but first have to find someone who might actually know about these. Off the top of my head, I can't think of who to ask. Certainly no one in my immediate environment. I could go to the playground and ask a child, but then again, children rarely know how happy they are because they are so much "in the moment."
Oh that damn phrase..."in the moment." The place to go. The place to be. And, if one doesn't go there, then the chances of meeting one's true Self is next to slim. But where is this place and does this train go there?? How do I know when or where to get off this dang thing?
Now, I'm not saying that I've never been "in the moment", because I have been there. The problem is that I don't know how I got there or how to get back. I question the number of people who talk about this place. My feelings are that if they live "in the moment", then why are they talking about it as a place to go, instead of a place where they actually reside? To my mind, if you are "in the moment", you are too absorbed to pay attention to anyone or anything else. The focus is far too grand to give your attention to me.
So...can I be "in the moment" while riding this subway?
My pen smiles. Of course. Think of yourself as living and participating in the "circus of the world." This is a highly emotional place where everyone is lost in the acting out of their own personal drama. The stories are repeated over and over, each time etching them further into the subconscious mind. All drama is fiction. It's not happening "in the moment", so even IF it truly happened before, it's not happening now and so it's fiction. When you repeat a story, either out load or in your mind, you are busy re-telling a fictional account of something. And, you cannot be in your fictional story and "in the moment" at the same time. In addition, others are always inviting, even pushing others into their drama, almost like going into the audience and pulling someone onto the stage of a play. Experience this OR ELSE!
Living in the "circus of the world" keeps you there. In order to "live in the moment" you must choose to leave the circus. Yes, you can do this at any moment and it's really quite simple. First, you must know the difference between the circus and the non-circus. It helps to have an image for the latter. I like the image of a "golden egg." Let's go ahead and feel what it feels like to be inside that "golden egg." You reach that destination with a simple awareness that you are in the circus and choose to leave and then....notice your next breath and ride it inside the golden egg. It will open to greet you.
Once inside, sense the stillness. Looking out, notice that the circus is outside and you are not a part of it. You can observe it, but you are in a quiet place. Other images can greet you, enhancing your "golden egg experience." I like to sense the gold filling my body, part by part, almost elevating me or inviting me to float inside the egg. Free, light and airy. So relaxed, but able to observe the actions and behaviors of others. Just like being in the audience of a theater, but this time, you are not up on the stage in the drama, but instead just observing or witnessing. As you become more skilled, you can add more images to expand your experience, but for today, this is just fine.
"So, where does my depression go?" The pen is used to my questioning, respecting my desire to know even more.
Depression, anxiety, high level emotions....all live in the circus of the world. When you enter the egg, they simply leave. Now I know what you are going to ask. "Will they find me when I find myself back in the circus?" They might, especially if they are well-conditioned like old shoes, but then, it's up to you to disengage from them...."in the moment." Big Pen Smile!!
