The past & the future are all fiction. Even if something really happened, it's not happening now & therefore it is fiction. Only the present moment is in the "now" & of course, is very rapidly becoming the fictionalized past. This is a very important concept, because all fiction can be edited. My Automatic Writing Journal was to become an important vehicle for doing just this. My attitude towards recovery would end up determining how much my past childSelves would be willing to show me. I was already realizing that when I entertained them, it was best to remain quiet, peaceful, but assertive.
I know that I must take the leadership position, even though the idea of it overwhelms me, for this is the only way that I can heal & stay on the path in daily recovery. Managing food issues means being in charge all the time, through all the ups & downs, just like a good parent. During my early years I couldn't do this for mySelf & had to rely on those around me to be good parents, teachers & healers. Unfortunately, like most people, I didn't have the best role models for adulthood, but this is not a blame game. The past is past & now I am in charge of what goes on in my life. I remember that I'm the writer, director & producer. It is time to go into the old clutter & clean it out, even though some of my childSelves may not be eager to let go. And, this is understandable. They have harbored much of this for a very long time. So, I must be gentle & strong at the same time.
I'm currently in the middle of a working meditation & journaling session. The children have arrived by the colorful train & are on the pages of my journal. Some are writing messages, others just sitting quietly, just as I did as a child, never wanting to upset the rather fragile applecart of my existence. I'm rather stunned by the number of quiet, perhaps mildly depressed young children, as well as some in their teen years. My younger adult Selves have many masks & this does not surprise me. In the future, I'll have to collect these, allowing their true Selves to come out & be respected. There is no longer a reason to hide anything, but I'm understanding that this will be a continuous learning process. Once the clutter is removed & the corners are swept out, there will also be no reason to self-medicate with food.
The Therapeutic Self Teacher is suggesting that we have storytime. This will give the opportunity to those children, who are ready, to tell of their experiences, including their secrets. The children are very comfortable in the meditative process, feeling safe & eager to participate. I've never felt so at peace with my innerSelves, nor have I ever been so free from inner confusion & turmoil. The Automatic Writing Journal entry that follows comes from one of my original journals that I started to address my compulsive, emotional & secret eating issues...but first
A NOTE TO NEW READERS:
This experiential blog/workshop is based on my new book, "How Many Cookies Will It Take to Make Me Happy?" If you are new to my writing, you might want to read the earlier mini-chapters. They are available on FaceBook, The PublishersMarketPlace & at the following link. Remember to scan down to find the earliest chapters & work your way up. http://beyonddisorderlyeating.blogspot.com/
A bit of background.... we are working with creative Interactive Self-Hypnosis imagery, planting suggestions directly into the creative subconscious mind as you read along. What appears like a story is a series of self-hypnotic sessions, designed to bring about desired lifestyle changes. The inner mind is creative & rather child-like, loving to play with images, especially when they are emotionalized. Just like the saying, "a picture is worth a thousand words", well-planted mind images, can be worth hours of therapy. We can actually change or motivate in 1/200th of a second. So come along & look forward to some lifestyle-changing events.
JOURNAL SPEAK ENTRY 1991
The two little girls that I mentioned in my last blog are by my side, but just wanting to sit on my lap. I first hold one & then the other. They rest comfortably against me & I can feel the weight of their bodies as they go into deep relax. I notice the little black drops exiting their fingertips, remembering the exercise I practiced earlier in the book. I lean down & pick up some of the debris that formed from the black drops, noticing that I'm being instructed to place these on my journal page. As I do, the stories begin to emerge, writing themselves. These are stories of intense insecurity that followed the death of my father. My mother, lost in her own shock & depression, was completely unable to mother the children & so the children were left to mother the mother. The children believed that if they didn't take care of the mother's needs, then she might abandon just as the father had done.
There was no happiness or joy to be had. No positive energy was to be found in any paragraph of the story. Imaginary monsters lurked in the basement & in the attic, just waiting for the child to relax so it could pounce. The children became police officers & had no one to tell about their inner life & so the secret life was born. This was the youngest form of the "unbalanced Self." Young in years, but old in ideas. If food could be taken & hidden, then the child could go to it, as a baby goes to a pacifier. For without the secret, there was no pacifier because everyone use guarded the food & embarrassed the child for taking it.
No one could ever know about the secret, because it was what sustained the children during this period. The secret lived on by being passed to each child on it's birthday. This was especially meaningful because the father left for heaven on the birthday. With each birthday the secret & accompanying fantasy became more powerful, as did the guarding. The older child was responsible for it's safety, as well as for finding new ways to find heightened enjoyment within it. Sometimes it meant opening new avenues, such as stealing & hiding the loot. Other times it meant inflicting harm on either the child, herself or on someone else. But, the food was always at the center of the secret & would continue to be so, until the day of this journal entry.
Copyright 2009 Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht
May not be copied or reproduced without permission of the author.
Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht is author of Sugar...the Hidden Eating Disorder & How to Lick It. She is also the writer/producer of over 350 mp3/CD programs in the areas of medicine, health, prevention, addictions, self-development & sports for adults & children.
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