Sunday, December 05, 2010

Compulsive Shake-Down

Some of my behaviors have changed over the past few days. I have no idea about why this has happened, except that perhaps my internal dialog and work with my Journal Master has actually re-programmed my mind in some way. As a therapist, I do know that when we bring something to the light, things change.

Last night I had a huge moment with one of my most prominent disorderly eating compulsions. I don't remember noticing this one while on the train ride, but of course, not everything was consciously present. While I'm very familiar with this compulsion, last night it was somewhat different, as if a big light was showing me details that I had missed before. The compulsion begins when the scene is set, and not a moment before. I have a special recliner in the guest room where there is a TV. This particular recliner had a past life in my hypnotherapy office, so it has some "relax energy" installed, or so my creative mind believes.

The scene begins to play out...around eleven I head for the recliner. No lights in the room. I'm alone in this part of the house. My husband is secured back in the bedroom reading. My subconscious mind childSelf reminds me that he never comes back out once he goes to there. She is obviously my accomplice.

( Behind the Scene Notes - the Self loves to be in this quiet & safe cocoon where she can put food it her mouth & feel the supreme joy. The joy actually begins at the moment of deciding what food to eat, actually tasting it in the mind, then fully succumbing to the idea of eating. The walk to the fridge, the preparation of the food, listening for footsteps, taking a bite on the way back to the safe cocoon. Then, lost in the eating, licking the fingers, then relaxing deeply when all has been accomplished. All is a part of the ritual. )

There is an acceleration of body sensations as my mind travels from the low conversation of the television program to what I would like to eat. The balanced part of my mind reminds me that I've brushed & flossed my teeth.

My childSelf couldn't care less. "You can do it again" she says with conviction. "After all, you will get to eat now & then you will sleep deeply."

My balanced Self counters, "you will wake up in the morning feeling sick."

The childSelf is now up for the battle, "oh, you will not. Only certain foods do that to you & you won't eat those."

( Behind the Scene Notes - the choosing of the food is very important. The mind reviews the cupboards & fridge, actually tasting them in the mind, then feeling what sort of response will follow. This includes the immediate gratification as well as the "after response." Questions as to the teeth issues, the morning after issues & if any level of sleep will be interrupted by the particular food. The Self is expert at this. Each part of the ritual makes it more powerful, not only in this moment, but in future moments. )

I don't have to eat much for the ritual to be effective. It's almost as if the ritual puts me to sleep, rather than the food. If I choose not to engage in the ritual the childSelf can threaten.

"You will not be able to go to sleep if you don't cooperate & eat. If you fall asleep, you will not stay asleep. Then, it will be TOO LATE to do anything about it."

Oh, my childSelf & this compulsive ritual is very intriguing. Just watching it with an open mind leads me to a better understanding of all of my compulsions. Tonight I decide not to entertain it at all. I don't silence or mute it, but let it play out as I observe it. It's worse than watching a horror movie in the middle of the night. My body is in very high response. I find this very interesting, but still don't move, relaxing into the meditation chair. My breath has changed as I defy it. "Go ahead" I tell it. "Show yourself to me."

The childSelf is furious. My body is almost leaving the chair now, but the Higher Part of Me places my fingers on my lower abdomen. "Deeper down...relaxing...breath opening." My Power is returning, but I feel the fragility of my Self. I know that I need to feel this because only then will I be capable to meet this in the future without the same disability, for indeed, my compulsions are disabilities. I am dis-able to stay in my Power.

I feel the exhaustion in my body & mind, but I fall asleep in the recliner. Another night has passed and I am de-programming myself from this very old compulsion. I sense my freedom...