Arguing with depression is useless. Saying I don't want something just brings more of it. Of course, this is the Law of Attraction and even though I know this, the knowing is not enough. It tends to make me angrier at myself. How can I know something and then not adhere to it? What is wrong with me?
Some would say that medication is the answer, but I don't want to take that road. I've been in and out of depression from childhood. Should I have been on medications all of my life? I don't think so.
I was watching Project Runway last night. It was the semi-finals with a lot on the line for these four designers. Only three of them would get to show their collections at Lincoln Center. The most intense moment had nothing to do with the fashion, but with the reaction of the one designer who was eliminated. When he realized it was him, his head hung low, his body immobile. His intense pain was palpable. When he was finally able to mumble some words, the problem was obvious. He was a failure, not only in designing, but in all his life choices including his sexual preference. "My parents will want me to return home, live with them, give up my dreams and expect me to marry a woman." Goodness...he couldn't see any of his success. Worse, he gave himself and his life choices to his parents.
As I watched Michael, my heart went out to him, but more importantly, my brain literally vibrated. Here was a living example of a depressive low, made intolerable by the attitudes and demands of others. Earlier this week I watched "Prayers for Bobby." Once again, this lesson underlined. I don't believe medications would have changed anything for either Michael or Bobby. These are self-image and esteem issues. Letting go issues. Stopping co-dependency and the need to please. Taking and living your own life.
Will others be hurt? Oh, that question. There are so many ways to answer it, some rougher than others. While hurting is never the goal, sometimes it can't be avoided. Sometimes we have to let go in order to save our own lives. Some "letting go's" are more difficult than others, often leaving depression behind. If one has a depressive personality, these become more burdensome, like quicksand holding you in place. I'm standing in some of that now.
There are no coincidences. My desire to open and look inside my own depression has been Universally supported by what's been placed in my line of vision. We get the lessons we ask for.
Why would anyone ask for the toughest lessons? For the same reason that students want to take the toughest courses in college. They want to excel and achieve at something bigger than themselves. Asking for tough self-development lessons is the same. Giving up smoking, alcohol, over-eating, emotional imbalance, co-dependency, nail biting and the list grows, is a testimonial to the true strength of the Self. It's a "yes I can" moment that continues through the lessons and beyond.
It takes great strength to walk towards that heavy weight, deciding to pick it up and hold it over one's head, but this is the way of healing. Once the decision is made and action is implemented, the lessons proceed on their own. It's that old adage, "be careful what you wish for." My answer to this is, "yes, difficult things are challenging, but what is life without challenges? Are we meant to just hang out in the quicksand?"
I want to write this particular book about emotional eating. I know I've been blocked because of my personal issues with the subject matter and the connected depression. Writing the book means that I have to give up many things. Perhaps this is what I saw in Michael and Bobby. It takes a lot to move away from what you don't want, but there is still a part of you that wants that very thing. For me, that is my eating disorder. I've not been ready to "seal the deal". I've not been ready to walk towards that heavy weight and pick it up. I've not been ready to finally say, "I'm finished with all of this."
But now...I am getting ready by releasing the tight core around me. Finally letting go.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
The Depressive Jail Term
The presence of depression has given me access to a deeper place in mind where my creativity & healing abounds. This doesn't mean that I choose to be depressed, but it is good to know that I can release the depression, no matter the level, and quickly enter my creative place. Depression is not my jail, and I'm not obligated to serve a jail term, no matter who else might like to deliver a count of shame or guilt on my behalf. Forget that...
Good news...The release of negative energy can be very swift, for I believe the body and mind choose to be free of all depressants. The body seeks homeostasis or balance. The mind seeks love. As for the body, I've seen this in the Emergency Room when a patient is admitted following a suspected heart attack, accident or other medical emergency. Stress and accompanying fear can be so overwhelming, but when techniques for emotional release are applied, the patient moves swiftly into the creative healing place. Heart beat slows, blood pressure normalizes, even bleeding stops....just through deep relaxation and release of stress chemicals. Yes, the body knows what to do.
As goes the body, so goes the mind. Exiting the jail, entering the love-containing light. We often call this the quiet or still place, the place of peace and love. Even if we didn't receive love as a child, or in our adult years, we are all capable of love-producing. Love images abound and they are ours to take and internalize. Even small, insignificant images can play out powerfully in our mind-body, changing physical outcomes and leading us into our creative space.
It's good to know that we do not have to depend on others for love deliveries. While it's good to have others who do so in our lives, we can succeed without it. There have been times in my life when this knowledge was extremely useful, changing the tides for me. Sometimes when we go through difficult periods, love deliveries tend to lessen. This is, of course, just the opposite of what it should be, but we might even notice ourselves rejecting love when we need it the most. I know that during some of my most difficult periods all I wanted was to be "left alone." I've seen this in my nursing career, as well as when working with addiction patients or even with students who were struggling. It's common in relationship difficulties, and when in an uphill fight of any kind.
I've been invited to enter one of my creative endeavors. The one I've chosen is one that I've been fighting for a very long time. It involves writing a particular book that has to do with eating disorders and is very personal. It's also one where I want to be left alone, rejecting love and support from others. I simply want to be left alone in my private misery. For some reason I resent the intrusion in this area of pain. It tends to block my ability to think clearly. I ask my Journal Master, "Does this make sense? I would really like to understand this. Perhaps then, I can explain it to those I love and who are offended by my outbursts."
"When creating anything, one needs to be alone in their own creative space. The deeper you go, the easier it is to work with your own subconscious mind. This is not the time or place for socialization. But, this does not mean that others cannot give you love and support, but not in these particular moments. I've observed you with this project and notice that you do not set up your boundaries very well. There are times when others are welcome and times when they are not. There is no need for great explanation, just for boundary setting.
Then there is the issue of the content of your work. This is yours and yours alone, unless others are co-writing with you. You are not obligated to anyone when writing your book. You have always had a tendency towards co-dependence and the need to please. This is where a good part of your rage comes from. Of course, a good percentage of your rage is suppressed and here is the connection to depression. The more you try to work through this project, the more rage you encounter, both from subject matter and from the interference of others who are connected to your eating issues, past and present. It's like experiencing a difficult birth.
So, you know what to do. Own and love your project. It is yours and yours alone. Set up your boundaries, releasing others from your life and work. Walk inside your completed book. Meet up with your "internal writers" who live inside the completed book. They have already written the book and you are the receiver of the "gift." Play amongst the pages, the words engaging you as you heal."
Good news...The release of negative energy can be very swift, for I believe the body and mind choose to be free of all depressants. The body seeks homeostasis or balance. The mind seeks love. As for the body, I've seen this in the Emergency Room when a patient is admitted following a suspected heart attack, accident or other medical emergency. Stress and accompanying fear can be so overwhelming, but when techniques for emotional release are applied, the patient moves swiftly into the creative healing place. Heart beat slows, blood pressure normalizes, even bleeding stops....just through deep relaxation and release of stress chemicals. Yes, the body knows what to do.
As goes the body, so goes the mind. Exiting the jail, entering the love-containing light. We often call this the quiet or still place, the place of peace and love. Even if we didn't receive love as a child, or in our adult years, we are all capable of love-producing. Love images abound and they are ours to take and internalize. Even small, insignificant images can play out powerfully in our mind-body, changing physical outcomes and leading us into our creative space.
It's good to know that we do not have to depend on others for love deliveries. While it's good to have others who do so in our lives, we can succeed without it. There have been times in my life when this knowledge was extremely useful, changing the tides for me. Sometimes when we go through difficult periods, love deliveries tend to lessen. This is, of course, just the opposite of what it should be, but we might even notice ourselves rejecting love when we need it the most. I know that during some of my most difficult periods all I wanted was to be "left alone." I've seen this in my nursing career, as well as when working with addiction patients or even with students who were struggling. It's common in relationship difficulties, and when in an uphill fight of any kind.
I've been invited to enter one of my creative endeavors. The one I've chosen is one that I've been fighting for a very long time. It involves writing a particular book that has to do with eating disorders and is very personal. It's also one where I want to be left alone, rejecting love and support from others. I simply want to be left alone in my private misery. For some reason I resent the intrusion in this area of pain. It tends to block my ability to think clearly. I ask my Journal Master, "Does this make sense? I would really like to understand this. Perhaps then, I can explain it to those I love and who are offended by my outbursts."
"When creating anything, one needs to be alone in their own creative space. The deeper you go, the easier it is to work with your own subconscious mind. This is not the time or place for socialization. But, this does not mean that others cannot give you love and support, but not in these particular moments. I've observed you with this project and notice that you do not set up your boundaries very well. There are times when others are welcome and times when they are not. There is no need for great explanation, just for boundary setting.
Then there is the issue of the content of your work. This is yours and yours alone, unless others are co-writing with you. You are not obligated to anyone when writing your book. You have always had a tendency towards co-dependence and the need to please. This is where a good part of your rage comes from. Of course, a good percentage of your rage is suppressed and here is the connection to depression. The more you try to work through this project, the more rage you encounter, both from subject matter and from the interference of others who are connected to your eating issues, past and present. It's like experiencing a difficult birth.
So, you know what to do. Own and love your project. It is yours and yours alone. Set up your boundaries, releasing others from your life and work. Walk inside your completed book. Meet up with your "internal writers" who live inside the completed book. They have already written the book and you are the receiver of the "gift." Play amongst the pages, the words engaging you as you heal."
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Exiting Depression Hypnotically
A great benefit of working hypnotically is the ability to "time-travel." One doesn't have to be journaling or working with a hypnotherapist to do this. In fact, most of us do it all day long and are quite good at it. We call that "being lost in thought." Sometimes ( most of the time ) we're in the past, but other times we do visit the future. This is called "future pacing."
I'm feeling ready to do some "time-traveling" and that is good news for me. It takes a certain amount of energy to do this, and so....
Been resting in my "creative-healing space" for several days now. The depression and burnout I've been through have been exhausting, necessitating deep rest. Lots of body texting and emotional releasing. My emotional childSelf has been sitting by my side for the past few days. My exhaustion was so great upon arrival that she didn't show herself, so her presence tells me that I'm healing. She's out of hiding.
My automatic journaling has been very useful, opening some things, but mainly giving me a place to settle. One of the issues I experience when going through depression is my inability to focus on anything. Sometimes I'm so detached that it's necessary to write reminder notes to eat and wash my hair. Even then I don't want to move. Completely lost inside myself. Wandering around, but not moving. That's how bad it can be for me. I'm grateful to my journal for helping me through this. In the past, I often just sat waiting for it to finish, or at least to break open, so I could push through. Now doors present themselves with keys already in the locks. This is the joy of automatic journaling.
Feeling energized in the "creative healing space" is different than feeling hurried or pushed in the "circus of the world." It's like the energy here is clean, removed from the pollution of life activities. The "to-do twins" are not here to interfere with their head-spinning chatter and line-up of all the things fighting for my time and energy, polluting it further.
However...even though I'm in a different place, I notice a certain fear arising from the rebirth of energy, for it reminds me of how I got to my burnout-depressive state in the first place. I'm reminded by my Journal Master that this energy is different and so I relax into it. When fearful, I hold back...when relaxed I bend forward, greeting whatever is in front of me. It's rather like skiing...lean back and down you go....right on your head. Lean forward and speed comfortably over the ruts and ice. This time I can recognize the new, clean energy.
I look to the keys already in the locks, one opening by itself, revealing a mystery journey for me. All of these doors are "time-line travel" related. I know I'll either be going back in time or forward into the future, but I won't know until I allow myself to float into the space. Floating offers a wonderful sensation, similar to flying dreams, only with floating one can choose to do it whenever ...
It's easy to prepare to float. The sensation is already known, therefore the mind file is always ready to be activated. I take an entrance breath, bring forth the floating sensation, stepping into it. No need for a seat belt, just lifting off, rising above everything, then finding my desired altitude. Inside the sensation that moves itself with me in it. Having no idea where I'm headed and enjoying that. In conscious life I tend to be an over-planner, and while that can be a good thing, it is also wearing. Deciding to rest in the floating for awhile. Be back to my journal in just a bit.
Back....the floating deepened my trance state allowing me to feel very centered. I've landed in a particular area, not chosen by me or so I believe. Rather like getting on a plane, not knowing your destination, but feeling that you're in the right place. That's where I am now.
Exiting the floating bubble I sense happiness and love all around me. I know these feelings, but they have a foreign twist. I ask my Journal Master about this.
"They seem foreign because you've been away for quite awhile. Depression is like living on a different planet. Life is meant to be a loving place. You design your own environment, no matter what else goes on around you. This is the major lesson of why you are here. This is your purpose. The rest of life's "things" simply entertain your ego, but are also catalysts for attracting love. You haven't been utilizing them in this way. Instead, you have bought the sad, depression package and it's no bargain."
Seeing this in the morning light awakens me. Of course, I already know this, but knowing is not the key to staying in the light. There are things to be done on a moment to moment basis. I breathe in the air in this old, but new environment, understanding that this is always available to me.
I am free to choose.......in each moment!
I'm feeling ready to do some "time-traveling" and that is good news for me. It takes a certain amount of energy to do this, and so....
Been resting in my "creative-healing space" for several days now. The depression and burnout I've been through have been exhausting, necessitating deep rest. Lots of body texting and emotional releasing. My emotional childSelf has been sitting by my side for the past few days. My exhaustion was so great upon arrival that she didn't show herself, so her presence tells me that I'm healing. She's out of hiding.
My automatic journaling has been very useful, opening some things, but mainly giving me a place to settle. One of the issues I experience when going through depression is my inability to focus on anything. Sometimes I'm so detached that it's necessary to write reminder notes to eat and wash my hair. Even then I don't want to move. Completely lost inside myself. Wandering around, but not moving. That's how bad it can be for me. I'm grateful to my journal for helping me through this. In the past, I often just sat waiting for it to finish, or at least to break open, so I could push through. Now doors present themselves with keys already in the locks. This is the joy of automatic journaling.
Feeling energized in the "creative healing space" is different than feeling hurried or pushed in the "circus of the world." It's like the energy here is clean, removed from the pollution of life activities. The "to-do twins" are not here to interfere with their head-spinning chatter and line-up of all the things fighting for my time and energy, polluting it further.
However...even though I'm in a different place, I notice a certain fear arising from the rebirth of energy, for it reminds me of how I got to my burnout-depressive state in the first place. I'm reminded by my Journal Master that this energy is different and so I relax into it. When fearful, I hold back...when relaxed I bend forward, greeting whatever is in front of me. It's rather like skiing...lean back and down you go....right on your head. Lean forward and speed comfortably over the ruts and ice. This time I can recognize the new, clean energy.
I look to the keys already in the locks, one opening by itself, revealing a mystery journey for me. All of these doors are "time-line travel" related. I know I'll either be going back in time or forward into the future, but I won't know until I allow myself to float into the space. Floating offers a wonderful sensation, similar to flying dreams, only with floating one can choose to do it whenever ...
It's easy to prepare to float. The sensation is already known, therefore the mind file is always ready to be activated. I take an entrance breath, bring forth the floating sensation, stepping into it. No need for a seat belt, just lifting off, rising above everything, then finding my desired altitude. Inside the sensation that moves itself with me in it. Having no idea where I'm headed and enjoying that. In conscious life I tend to be an over-planner, and while that can be a good thing, it is also wearing. Deciding to rest in the floating for awhile. Be back to my journal in just a bit.
Back....the floating deepened my trance state allowing me to feel very centered. I've landed in a particular area, not chosen by me or so I believe. Rather like getting on a plane, not knowing your destination, but feeling that you're in the right place. That's where I am now.
Exiting the floating bubble I sense happiness and love all around me. I know these feelings, but they have a foreign twist. I ask my Journal Master about this.
"They seem foreign because you've been away for quite awhile. Depression is like living on a different planet. Life is meant to be a loving place. You design your own environment, no matter what else goes on around you. This is the major lesson of why you are here. This is your purpose. The rest of life's "things" simply entertain your ego, but are also catalysts for attracting love. You haven't been utilizing them in this way. Instead, you have bought the sad, depression package and it's no bargain."
Seeing this in the morning light awakens me. Of course, I already know this, but knowing is not the key to staying in the light. There are things to be done on a moment to moment basis. I breathe in the air in this old, but new environment, understanding that this is always available to me.
I am free to choose.......in each moment!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The "No" Word
It's amazing how a two letter word can evoke so much emotion. Why is it that the word "no" cannot live alone, but needs to be accompanied by so much explanation. Then comes the contest....can the "no" stand up to the arguing and scrutiny thrown at it? Perhaps this is why it's easier to say "yes."
I've grown tired of this whole thing. Endless discussions about why I don't want to do something, to the point of exhaustion. I finally decided that my "no" will stand on it's own and from now on forward there will be no further discussion. The "no" will be wear a coat of respect, honoring both myself and the recipient. It will have an air of assertiveness, but free of aggression. No anger, no reproach, simply....."no".
Of course, there's nothing wrong with the explanations of why I've decided on "no", but it's like anything else. When redecorating a room, it's best to remove everything and then start fresh. I find this works well with emotion and direct language. Long explanations can become habitual, almost addictive, seeming to feed the fodder for inviting debate.
It's an interesting experiment to play around with this, not only with other people, but also with one's own mind chatter.
I've decided to do some "automatic hypnotic journaling" on this subject because although it may seem like a small thing, I know that it is not. If I can be comfortable with speaking the "no word", I believe many things will change in my life.
Relaxing into the moment, now deciding to go deeper than before. Wondering "why" the suggestion has come forward to go to this lower level, but learning to trust the "journal master" and internal suggestions is very important. Thinking that I'm deep enough, but being told to go even deeper. Oh....am I going to visit some of the roots of my uncomfortable feelings about expressing myself in this regard?
The answer comes forward as "yes." So, yes and no. Two very important words in my vocabulary that open totally different avenues of adventure and especially respect for myself. I'm learning through intuition that this a crux. Self-respect! Yes, I'm entitled to say "no" and the blocking to this goes very, very deep.
Sensing that I'm almost there now and surprised to find my deceased mother very much alive and waiting for me. I find myself in the body of a young child, about the age of three or four. My adult self is trembling as I continue to write. Why is this so frightening for me?
My mother picks me up, positioning me on her lap and picking up a basket of blocks that I'm asked to hold on my lap. There are letters on the blocks....only the letters N and O. My mother strokes my head gently, pushing my hair back from my eyes, now positioning her hand under my chin, directing my eyes to meet hers.
"I'm sorry."
The child is sobbing, releasing her repressed sadness. "So many "no's" in the basket, many of them painted with harsh colors. This simple word taking on the personality of anger, even hatred, but what does this have to do with the child? Absolutely nothing. The mother is depressed and seeks control of her own life by keeping the child repressed "in her place." The child represents the mother's sadness and despair. The father has died unexpectedly coming home to give the child her birthday present, or so the mother says.
The child learns that the basket of blocks does not belong to her. She is not allowed to say "no." Only the mother can say it. If the child says it, she will be "put in her place." The child learns to be still and not to express her needs or desires because the father died coming home to celebrate her birthday and she is guilty. Three years old and very guilty, never to murmur a "no" because these belong to the mother.
The mother apologizes again to the child, holding her close, but gently this time. This is new for the child, for the mother never held the child in this way before. The mother returns the basket to the child, but the blocks are new and refined with pretty pictures mingling with the letters N and O. The pictures represent what the child wants and needs, for it is her right to speak out, letting these be known.
I return to the light of day finding my husband asking me if I would make some coffee. "No, not now." The words were enough to express my needs in this moment. The husband understands intuitively, smiles and goes towards the coffee pot to make it for himself.
I've grown tired of this whole thing. Endless discussions about why I don't want to do something, to the point of exhaustion. I finally decided that my "no" will stand on it's own and from now on forward there will be no further discussion. The "no" will be wear a coat of respect, honoring both myself and the recipient. It will have an air of assertiveness, but free of aggression. No anger, no reproach, simply....."no".
Of course, there's nothing wrong with the explanations of why I've decided on "no", but it's like anything else. When redecorating a room, it's best to remove everything and then start fresh. I find this works well with emotion and direct language. Long explanations can become habitual, almost addictive, seeming to feed the fodder for inviting debate.
It's an interesting experiment to play around with this, not only with other people, but also with one's own mind chatter.
I've decided to do some "automatic hypnotic journaling" on this subject because although it may seem like a small thing, I know that it is not. If I can be comfortable with speaking the "no word", I believe many things will change in my life.
Relaxing into the moment, now deciding to go deeper than before. Wondering "why" the suggestion has come forward to go to this lower level, but learning to trust the "journal master" and internal suggestions is very important. Thinking that I'm deep enough, but being told to go even deeper. Oh....am I going to visit some of the roots of my uncomfortable feelings about expressing myself in this regard?
The answer comes forward as "yes." So, yes and no. Two very important words in my vocabulary that open totally different avenues of adventure and especially respect for myself. I'm learning through intuition that this a crux. Self-respect! Yes, I'm entitled to say "no" and the blocking to this goes very, very deep.
Sensing that I'm almost there now and surprised to find my deceased mother very much alive and waiting for me. I find myself in the body of a young child, about the age of three or four. My adult self is trembling as I continue to write. Why is this so frightening for me?
My mother picks me up, positioning me on her lap and picking up a basket of blocks that I'm asked to hold on my lap. There are letters on the blocks....only the letters N and O. My mother strokes my head gently, pushing my hair back from my eyes, now positioning her hand under my chin, directing my eyes to meet hers.
"I'm sorry."
The child is sobbing, releasing her repressed sadness. "So many "no's" in the basket, many of them painted with harsh colors. This simple word taking on the personality of anger, even hatred, but what does this have to do with the child? Absolutely nothing. The mother is depressed and seeks control of her own life by keeping the child repressed "in her place." The child represents the mother's sadness and despair. The father has died unexpectedly coming home to give the child her birthday present, or so the mother says.
The child learns that the basket of blocks does not belong to her. She is not allowed to say "no." Only the mother can say it. If the child says it, she will be "put in her place." The child learns to be still and not to express her needs or desires because the father died coming home to celebrate her birthday and she is guilty. Three years old and very guilty, never to murmur a "no" because these belong to the mother.
The mother apologizes again to the child, holding her close, but gently this time. This is new for the child, for the mother never held the child in this way before. The mother returns the basket to the child, but the blocks are new and refined with pretty pictures mingling with the letters N and O. The pictures represent what the child wants and needs, for it is her right to speak out, letting these be known.
I return to the light of day finding my husband asking me if I would make some coffee. "No, not now." The words were enough to express my needs in this moment. The husband understands intuitively, smiles and goes towards the coffee pot to make it for himself.
Saturday, October 09, 2010
Death by Dog !@#$%^&
OK...so the body is tight and yes, I can open it. Over the years I've gotten pretty good at releasing the body, especially if I remember. Of course, remembering gets easier when the pain is acute, like not being able to turn my head while driving. That's a wake-up!
Then there's this business of cuticle picking and becoming lost in my own mind, not hearing the conversation that's right before me. It's easier to turn off certain people. Not surprising, my husband often heads that list. I've heard those critiques before, so why plug into them again. Is that rude or just plain self-preservation? Questions to myself.
Is it really necessary to keep hanging out in the same boxing ring? What's to be gained, other than feeling lower than when I willingly agreed to face my opponent? Why do I always take that lower road? Where do these behavioral traits come from?
Yesterday I found myself ushered into the boxing ring. It was so automatic, but this time I woke up as I climbed over the ropes. "No, I'm not going to do engage in this. I do have a choice and I choose not to spar with my partner." Of course, partners don't like being left alone in the ring without their opponent. So, a different sort of battle presents itself outside the ring, but it's much easier to escape these if one's plans are in place.
I remember once reading something that set a new pattern into motion. It's funny how certain things just resonate and come with their own sticky glue. On my "mind wall" there is this reminder. "Your rear end is not glued to the seat, nor are your feet glued to the floor." Interesting concept. I remember the very first time I employed this. I was sitting down listening to my husband and decided I'd had quite enough. So, I simply stood up and walked normally out of the room. No words, no rushing, no anything. Kept thinking about the absence of the glue. I remember him asking me where I was going. A part of me said "upstairs." That was it. If there were other words I didn't hear them. It was like my body transported me to a different time and a different place. The next thing I knew I was upstairs in my office reading a magazine. Since this behavior was new for me, my husband was caught off guard, like a boxer who doesn't see the punch coming and wakes up on the floor.
Of course there are some stressors that need to be handled differently, as well as some that will always be present, but new rules can be applied. Stress kills, so it's best to pay attention and know that stress does not rule unless you choose to allow it to do so. I know that I rule. And, it doesn't matter WHO delivers the stress...husband, child, colleague, friend or stranger. They only deliver and it's always my choice as to what to accept. Can you imagine someone ringing your doorbell with a box of dog @#$%^? Would you take it and then say "thank you" ? We've all done this in the past, but now it's time to utilize some new imagery and plans to take care of yourself in new way.
Stress kills and I'll never accept the "reason for death being dog %^&*" to be written on my death certificate.
Then there's this business of cuticle picking and becoming lost in my own mind, not hearing the conversation that's right before me. It's easier to turn off certain people. Not surprising, my husband often heads that list. I've heard those critiques before, so why plug into them again. Is that rude or just plain self-preservation? Questions to myself.
Is it really necessary to keep hanging out in the same boxing ring? What's to be gained, other than feeling lower than when I willingly agreed to face my opponent? Why do I always take that lower road? Where do these behavioral traits come from?
Yesterday I found myself ushered into the boxing ring. It was so automatic, but this time I woke up as I climbed over the ropes. "No, I'm not going to do engage in this. I do have a choice and I choose not to spar with my partner." Of course, partners don't like being left alone in the ring without their opponent. So, a different sort of battle presents itself outside the ring, but it's much easier to escape these if one's plans are in place.
I remember once reading something that set a new pattern into motion. It's funny how certain things just resonate and come with their own sticky glue. On my "mind wall" there is this reminder. "Your rear end is not glued to the seat, nor are your feet glued to the floor." Interesting concept. I remember the very first time I employed this. I was sitting down listening to my husband and decided I'd had quite enough. So, I simply stood up and walked normally out of the room. No words, no rushing, no anything. Kept thinking about the absence of the glue. I remember him asking me where I was going. A part of me said "upstairs." That was it. If there were other words I didn't hear them. It was like my body transported me to a different time and a different place. The next thing I knew I was upstairs in my office reading a magazine. Since this behavior was new for me, my husband was caught off guard, like a boxer who doesn't see the punch coming and wakes up on the floor.
Of course there are some stressors that need to be handled differently, as well as some that will always be present, but new rules can be applied. Stress kills, so it's best to pay attention and know that stress does not rule unless you choose to allow it to do so. I know that I rule. And, it doesn't matter WHO delivers the stress...husband, child, colleague, friend or stranger. They only deliver and it's always my choice as to what to accept. Can you imagine someone ringing your doorbell with a box of dog @#$%^? Would you take it and then say "thank you" ? We've all done this in the past, but now it's time to utilize some new imagery and plans to take care of yourself in new way.
Stress kills and I'll never accept the "reason for death being dog %^&*" to be written on my death certificate.
Friday, October 08, 2010
Body Texting
Body Texting is a metaphor for how the body sensations communicate...stress, tension, pain, rigidity...just to name a few automatic responses. But, in order to receive messages, the phone needs to be charged and on.
Hanging out in my "creative-healing space", thinking of nothing in particular. Just waiting for light bulbs to go off in my head as I continue to relax and release. Goodness, I need so much deep relaxation. It's amazing how quickly my body returns into a tense state. It's difficult to notice this when I'm in the "circus of the world". It's such a hypnotizing space with so many distractions. The "hurry-up twins" are always hyperactive and the amount of stress they deliver to my body is incredible. If I was a cracker, I would break in half with no difficulty. Yes...breakable is a good metaphor for how my body feels. Anxiety and depression simply represent a higher end of my tension spectrum.
It's difficult for me to let go. Compulsive by nature and by "in-house" training. Needing to control something...anything. Hanging on to those things as if they were life-preservers. All of this may seem funny to onlookers, but trust me, it's not funny to feel like you're drowning in life.
I fill my life with activity like people fill shopping carts, closets and any other containment including their bodies with candy, cake and chips. If I were a drinker, I'd consume bottles. If I was a smoker, it would two packs a day. But instead, I'm a "doer" and this can be just as deadly. My body texting goes wild, but....if I'm tuned in, then it's like having my cell phone turned off. Not a good thing and this is how I ended up in my breakable condition.
The truth is that like most people, I look pretty good from the outside, but it's the inside that's at issue here. I've been ignoring my body messages and therefore paying the price. A mental body scan reveals the truth. Tension announcing itself in my jaw, behind my eyes, believe it or not in my right earlobe, shoulders screaming out, middle abdomen not particularly happy and even my knees are sounding the bell. Now before I scanned, I felt nothing in particular. That's the crux of the matter. When one doesn't look for the texting, the body appears to be fine, but on second glance there is a barrage of communication, all of it producing and storing itself as stress chemical accumulation.
So when does the body release? Last night I woke up around three in the morning with both of my legs in incredible spasms. This time the spasms found their way up to the middle of my thighs. I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't freaked out. This was new for me. I hobbled around for awhile and then had to correct my breathing back to a relaxed state. My heart was pumping furiously from the fear of the new kind of spasms. I sat wondering why these had appeared, my inner body texting answering my questions with quite a few exclamation points. Of course....I get it, but while I was accumulating the stress, I was living in complete unawareness, just expecting my body to "deal with it." Well, it was dealing with it, but not in the way that pleased me.
I'm sitting here now, opening each body part even though some are not communicating. This is not only a powerful prevention method, but at the very same time, my creative space opens revealing positive aspects of things that are truly unseen gifts.
Time to recharge my i-phone!
Hanging out in my "creative-healing space", thinking of nothing in particular. Just waiting for light bulbs to go off in my head as I continue to relax and release. Goodness, I need so much deep relaxation. It's amazing how quickly my body returns into a tense state. It's difficult to notice this when I'm in the "circus of the world". It's such a hypnotizing space with so many distractions. The "hurry-up twins" are always hyperactive and the amount of stress they deliver to my body is incredible. If I was a cracker, I would break in half with no difficulty. Yes...breakable is a good metaphor for how my body feels. Anxiety and depression simply represent a higher end of my tension spectrum.
It's difficult for me to let go. Compulsive by nature and by "in-house" training. Needing to control something...anything. Hanging on to those things as if they were life-preservers. All of this may seem funny to onlookers, but trust me, it's not funny to feel like you're drowning in life.
I fill my life with activity like people fill shopping carts, closets and any other containment including their bodies with candy, cake and chips. If I were a drinker, I'd consume bottles. If I was a smoker, it would two packs a day. But instead, I'm a "doer" and this can be just as deadly. My body texting goes wild, but....if I'm tuned in, then it's like having my cell phone turned off. Not a good thing and this is how I ended up in my breakable condition.
The truth is that like most people, I look pretty good from the outside, but it's the inside that's at issue here. I've been ignoring my body messages and therefore paying the price. A mental body scan reveals the truth. Tension announcing itself in my jaw, behind my eyes, believe it or not in my right earlobe, shoulders screaming out, middle abdomen not particularly happy and even my knees are sounding the bell. Now before I scanned, I felt nothing in particular. That's the crux of the matter. When one doesn't look for the texting, the body appears to be fine, but on second glance there is a barrage of communication, all of it producing and storing itself as stress chemical accumulation.
So when does the body release? Last night I woke up around three in the morning with both of my legs in incredible spasms. This time the spasms found their way up to the middle of my thighs. I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't freaked out. This was new for me. I hobbled around for awhile and then had to correct my breathing back to a relaxed state. My heart was pumping furiously from the fear of the new kind of spasms. I sat wondering why these had appeared, my inner body texting answering my questions with quite a few exclamation points. Of course....I get it, but while I was accumulating the stress, I was living in complete unawareness, just expecting my body to "deal with it." Well, it was dealing with it, but not in the way that pleased me.
I'm sitting here now, opening each body part even though some are not communicating. This is not only a powerful prevention method, but at the very same time, my creative space opens revealing positive aspects of things that are truly unseen gifts.
Time to recharge my i-phone!
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Entering the Creative Space
Opening a creative-healing space brings a gigantic flow of things wanting to fill this newly acquired void. Here's the catch...some of the things are the same as what filled the space before, many of which are unwanted. Others are new and open for review. Some are keepers, while others are not. It's like cleaning out your closet, then going shopping...often bringing back the same things that were dropped off at Goodwill.
For me, because my depressive state is so finely etched in my subconscious mind, the very same offenders simply see this as an opportunity to take up residence. In the past, this has been on auto-pilot, but not this time around. The depression has been going on too long and it's been far too disruptive, even frightening to me. The body texting has been intense and this can be very dangerous because stress-related diseases are often killer diseases.
What comes into the new creative-healing space is my choice. When we wake up to something, it seems to be scattered all over the place. The mess is seen in a new light and this time the light is very bright. My mess seems to have legs, walking back into my new space. Shutting the door is not the best option. Whenever we lock something up or lock it out, it becomes more powerful. This is what I've been doing over the past months. Just dancing around the issues without moving into the position of power and decisiveness.
I slept through most of this afternoon. This is common when releasing heavy body texting. My body is exhausted and I've given it permission to be deeply relaxed. When depressed or in a state of high tension, we are often unaware of how tired the body and mind can be.
Sitting in my favorite recliner, my breath becomes deeper without even thinking. My body sinking into the chair. The "hurry up twins" seem to know that they have no power over me when I'm in this chair. I smile at this because they are unrelentless, usually appearing before I get out of bed in the morning. Images arise of patients in psychiatric clinics who have been sent away to recover their sanity. This is how my subconscious mind reads the stress level where I find myself. This is helpful because the inner mind is a powerful resource for healing. Since it understands my needs on the deepest levels, then I know I can count on it to assist in what I need. This is a form of automatic programming, for the mind works backwards. The plan will be forthcoming.
Once relaxed and inside my creative space, I'm invited to walk around and assess the scene. No emotions are present, just me and my Higher Self. I often call this part of myself, my Therapeutic Self. Right now that is very appropriate! I've decided to position my recliner in this special space. As I sit there, the blue light surrounds me. I'm accepting that I need much more blue light than before. I feel like I've been through some sort of battle and while I want to fully recover, rushing it is not an option this time.
A blue light application and then continue to view the creative space. New ideas are asking to be admitted for review. I'm interested in seeing a few choices, but not too many. I'm sure this is a result of my need to recover slowly. I'm aware that it isn't necessary to do everything at once. As a major multi-tasker this would have been a challenge, but for some reason it isn't any longer. Perhaps the result of the battle. Anyway, it feels good to take this approach.
A gentle "suggestor" enters. It's so refreshing to have someone gentle and peaceful in my presence. Someone who doesn't want me to hurry and spin on a dime. The suggestion is to "open the windows" and let in some fresh air." Ohhh... how I love self-hypnosis! The indirect suggestion....open the windows....fresh air. I'd like that. I think of new people to bring into my creative circle, realizing that some have already found me. Gentle people with wonderful, creative ideas who have offered me an opportunity to join their endeavor. Like choosing a piece of candy, I help myself to "one." Outside of my creative space my compulsive self would have dumped the whole candy dish into my purse. Taking "one" feels so good. One new person and one new project.
The mind works backwards. The suggestion having been accepted, it moves into my creative space with the plan and project already completed. As I return to my recliner, it performs for me. I'm invited to enter the images, sensing the level of comfort and satisfaction. A little bit of tweaking on my part, but things rearrange themselves to meet my slight changes. I ask to enter the final outcome and then.....to open the door to what this leads to down the path. Just a peak.... after all, I'm still in recovery.
For me, because my depressive state is so finely etched in my subconscious mind, the very same offenders simply see this as an opportunity to take up residence. In the past, this has been on auto-pilot, but not this time around. The depression has been going on too long and it's been far too disruptive, even frightening to me. The body texting has been intense and this can be very dangerous because stress-related diseases are often killer diseases.
What comes into the new creative-healing space is my choice. When we wake up to something, it seems to be scattered all over the place. The mess is seen in a new light and this time the light is very bright. My mess seems to have legs, walking back into my new space. Shutting the door is not the best option. Whenever we lock something up or lock it out, it becomes more powerful. This is what I've been doing over the past months. Just dancing around the issues without moving into the position of power and decisiveness.
I slept through most of this afternoon. This is common when releasing heavy body texting. My body is exhausted and I've given it permission to be deeply relaxed. When depressed or in a state of high tension, we are often unaware of how tired the body and mind can be.
Sitting in my favorite recliner, my breath becomes deeper without even thinking. My body sinking into the chair. The "hurry up twins" seem to know that they have no power over me when I'm in this chair. I smile at this because they are unrelentless, usually appearing before I get out of bed in the morning. Images arise of patients in psychiatric clinics who have been sent away to recover their sanity. This is how my subconscious mind reads the stress level where I find myself. This is helpful because the inner mind is a powerful resource for healing. Since it understands my needs on the deepest levels, then I know I can count on it to assist in what I need. This is a form of automatic programming, for the mind works backwards. The plan will be forthcoming.
Once relaxed and inside my creative space, I'm invited to walk around and assess the scene. No emotions are present, just me and my Higher Self. I often call this part of myself, my Therapeutic Self. Right now that is very appropriate! I've decided to position my recliner in this special space. As I sit there, the blue light surrounds me. I'm accepting that I need much more blue light than before. I feel like I've been through some sort of battle and while I want to fully recover, rushing it is not an option this time.
A blue light application and then continue to view the creative space. New ideas are asking to be admitted for review. I'm interested in seeing a few choices, but not too many. I'm sure this is a result of my need to recover slowly. I'm aware that it isn't necessary to do everything at once. As a major multi-tasker this would have been a challenge, but for some reason it isn't any longer. Perhaps the result of the battle. Anyway, it feels good to take this approach.
A gentle "suggestor" enters. It's so refreshing to have someone gentle and peaceful in my presence. Someone who doesn't want me to hurry and spin on a dime. The suggestion is to "open the windows" and let in some fresh air." Ohhh... how I love self-hypnosis! The indirect suggestion....open the windows....fresh air. I'd like that. I think of new people to bring into my creative circle, realizing that some have already found me. Gentle people with wonderful, creative ideas who have offered me an opportunity to join their endeavor. Like choosing a piece of candy, I help myself to "one." Outside of my creative space my compulsive self would have dumped the whole candy dish into my purse. Taking "one" feels so good. One new person and one new project.
The mind works backwards. The suggestion having been accepted, it moves into my creative space with the plan and project already completed. As I return to my recliner, it performs for me. I'm invited to enter the images, sensing the level of comfort and satisfaction. A little bit of tweaking on my part, but things rearrange themselves to meet my slight changes. I ask to enter the final outcome and then.....to open the door to what this leads to down the path. Just a peak.... after all, I'm still in recovery.
Monday, October 04, 2010
Releasing Depression
It just came to my mind that I've been "tinkering" for several weeks now. Just playing around with things....in this case emotional things. This is a common behavior, mainly used to avoid pain. Just the thought of having these feelings can be frightening and overwhelming. And yes, the thought is usually worse than the actual experience, but this is a hard sell to the emotional childSelf who will do just about anything to stay in a safe place.
But, deep healing does not happen in this safe place and so I must step out of this place and then into the deeper space, or the depression that is holding me hostage. I know from experience that I will be able to move it from the inside position. For some reason I can't seem to budge it from the outside. It simply won't move. Tinkering isn't working. It needs a massive shove. It's rather like putting up with a smoldering toothache, trying to avoid that trip to the dentist, knowing well that the tooth needs to be pulled out. That's what the depression is like this time. It's been smoldering for many months now. I've tinkered and avoided. Now it's time to open the dreaded door, go deeper down and in.
It's not that I don't know what's down there. There's really nothing very new, but there are times or passages in my life when those dregs become more toxic. The door is cracking open as I write this. I know because I'm tearing and that is a good thing. The worse part of depression is the non-feeling or numbness. Disassociating from the pain. My mind knows the pain is huge and so it protects me through the depression. Holding the pain down....way down...like a thumb pressing hard on a little cut. Trying to stop the bleeding. But emotional pain and blood clotting are not the same. And so, the thumb must be removed, so the pain can flow. Only then will there be relief and a place for healing.
Removing the thumb now....gently, nothing abrupt. There is no need to hurry. Just the action matters, giving permission for the opening to occur. Sensing my breathing changing....each breath longer and more steady, just the opposite of what one would imagine. When the thumb is pressed, the breath lives higher in the chest, obstructing and tightening, but now it opens gently, welcoming the release. Like a pimple pressing against the skin, now open and flowing it's pus.
The stairs are before me, black transmuting into white. Going down deliberately but once again in no big hurry. Enjoying the deepening and the body opening. There is a complete absence of fear, as if it were left outside in the fantasy of it, for all fear is fantasy. My fear of the depression is big, for it was my mother who first introduced it to me when I was an impressionable child. Accepting that my childSelf is always with me, but understanding that I am now the motherSelf, caring for the child in ways that my own mother could not. I look for that child in me, wanting to lead her in the deepening, so in the future she will be more mature, opening areas by herSelf with no angst. I locate her and take her by the hand, again gently...no forcing, just leading. Deeper down now...
Images of addictions from the past step to the side. They have no power on the white steps. Their only power is in the fear that lives outside of the deepening steps. Remembering to remember this, for addictions hold me hostage, especially when my child is weak and vulnerable. This has been so over the last few months.
Images in balloons being lifted up and out. Some I can see, but others go far too quickly for my eyes. I sense them slightly, but prefer to let them go. Focusing only slows them down and that is not why I'm here. Remembering the pimple and the flowing pus. There is no need to over-examine the pus for pus is simply pus.
I'm in a deep place now, completely detached from my mind and body, for they are only conveyers or containments for my spiritual Self. This is the place where re-connecting happens. Noticing the plug has been pulled completely. Placing the plug into my Source. The depression sitting like a sad, empty sac by it's side, having no power. I approach the sac, gently folding it up and placing it on the shelf with it's other remnants from the past, reminders of my growth through the years. Honoring what they have taught me, but knowing they are not in charge. Touching them with light. Realizing that I have the power of the light when connected to my Source. My own inner healer released to travel forward with me through my life journey. Reminding me to stay in touch frequently, for it is easy to get lost in life and forget one's origins. Yes....for "I am."
Slowly opening my eyes and re-acclimating to the room. Pen dangling from my fingers, an extension of who I am. A gift from my Source.
But, deep healing does not happen in this safe place and so I must step out of this place and then into the deeper space, or the depression that is holding me hostage. I know from experience that I will be able to move it from the inside position. For some reason I can't seem to budge it from the outside. It simply won't move. Tinkering isn't working. It needs a massive shove. It's rather like putting up with a smoldering toothache, trying to avoid that trip to the dentist, knowing well that the tooth needs to be pulled out. That's what the depression is like this time. It's been smoldering for many months now. I've tinkered and avoided. Now it's time to open the dreaded door, go deeper down and in.
It's not that I don't know what's down there. There's really nothing very new, but there are times or passages in my life when those dregs become more toxic. The door is cracking open as I write this. I know because I'm tearing and that is a good thing. The worse part of depression is the non-feeling or numbness. Disassociating from the pain. My mind knows the pain is huge and so it protects me through the depression. Holding the pain down....way down...like a thumb pressing hard on a little cut. Trying to stop the bleeding. But emotional pain and blood clotting are not the same. And so, the thumb must be removed, so the pain can flow. Only then will there be relief and a place for healing.
Removing the thumb now....gently, nothing abrupt. There is no need to hurry. Just the action matters, giving permission for the opening to occur. Sensing my breathing changing....each breath longer and more steady, just the opposite of what one would imagine. When the thumb is pressed, the breath lives higher in the chest, obstructing and tightening, but now it opens gently, welcoming the release. Like a pimple pressing against the skin, now open and flowing it's pus.
The stairs are before me, black transmuting into white. Going down deliberately but once again in no big hurry. Enjoying the deepening and the body opening. There is a complete absence of fear, as if it were left outside in the fantasy of it, for all fear is fantasy. My fear of the depression is big, for it was my mother who first introduced it to me when I was an impressionable child. Accepting that my childSelf is always with me, but understanding that I am now the motherSelf, caring for the child in ways that my own mother could not. I look for that child in me, wanting to lead her in the deepening, so in the future she will be more mature, opening areas by herSelf with no angst. I locate her and take her by the hand, again gently...no forcing, just leading. Deeper down now...
Images of addictions from the past step to the side. They have no power on the white steps. Their only power is in the fear that lives outside of the deepening steps. Remembering to remember this, for addictions hold me hostage, especially when my child is weak and vulnerable. This has been so over the last few months.
Images in balloons being lifted up and out. Some I can see, but others go far too quickly for my eyes. I sense them slightly, but prefer to let them go. Focusing only slows them down and that is not why I'm here. Remembering the pimple and the flowing pus. There is no need to over-examine the pus for pus is simply pus.
I'm in a deep place now, completely detached from my mind and body, for they are only conveyers or containments for my spiritual Self. This is the place where re-connecting happens. Noticing the plug has been pulled completely. Placing the plug into my Source. The depression sitting like a sad, empty sac by it's side, having no power. I approach the sac, gently folding it up and placing it on the shelf with it's other remnants from the past, reminders of my growth through the years. Honoring what they have taught me, but knowing they are not in charge. Touching them with light. Realizing that I have the power of the light when connected to my Source. My own inner healer released to travel forward with me through my life journey. Reminding me to stay in touch frequently, for it is easy to get lost in life and forget one's origins. Yes....for "I am."
Slowly opening my eyes and re-acclimating to the room. Pen dangling from my fingers, an extension of who I am. A gift from my Source.
Depression Camps
Following the release of my depression, I fell into a deep sleep...one that gifted me with some very colorful dreams. Next to flying dreams, colorful ones are my favorite. Dream-color tends to be more vivid that eyeball-color. Orange speaks orange out loud. Green invites me into gardens with plants conversing in foreign tongues, and as for red....well red is only second to blue. Blue absorbs and entering it, I can feel a gentle throbbing healing taking place.
Depression is a word to describe certain symptoms experienced by the body and mind. While all depressions are different, each depression changes unto itself as it moves through experiences. Each thought, image or happening produces it's own chemical marinade, each multiplying itself, so it's easy to understand how depression accelerates when it owns the car and the gas pedal.
Depression entered my life during early childhood, reinforced through parenting, and then through my desire for it....allowing me to play the power role of victim as I looked for love and acceptance. In those years I was not aware of what I was doing, but even now that it is recognizable, it calls out to me. We tend to flow towards the familiar. Most of the time I keep the details to myself as I continue to reside in this secret, lonely world.
Automatic writing or inner journaling gives me an opening for release. Sometimes the release comes quickly. This time it didn't happen that way. Instead, I nibbled around the outside of it, like eating the colored candy off an M&M before delving into the chocolate. This time the pain was both outer and inner, my body screaming with the tension, at night refusing to sink into the mattress, almost afraid to release it for fear of falling off the Universe. At first review, the mind revealed nothing out of the ordinary list of stressors, but a closer look turned up some mind games that probably pushed me over the edge. Selling our home in a down market, always working, never giving myself release time, aging, anxiety producing physical manifestations and a bundle of fears lined up to display themselves holding signs that told me there were more.
Sometimes releasing such a gambit is even more difficult that diminishing something bigger. There are so many camps to visit, change and then maintain.
I have some questions for my "Journal Master." I mentioned earlier that once the debris is removed, then there is space for creativity, in this instance creative questioning and investigation. I'm looking for growth, for once the nut is cracked, depression holds powerful and valuable gifts. Yes, the cracking was frightening and painful, but not as much as the thoughts that surrounded the idea of it. Once I stopped trying to control the bleeding, everything went smoothly, so...
"Will I ever learn to care for my tendency towards depression?"
My pen responds, "Look at your question and then you tell me the answer."
Oh, it's clear to me now. I've claimed ownership of the tendency towards depression by calling it "mine." Owning something reinforces it unto itself. During the past months...no, actually years, I've certainly claimed this ownership, donating lots of time and attention to it, actually befriending it. No...becoming it.
"Now I've created some space through release, but wondering what to put into that space, especially since all the things that brought me down still exist."
I know the answer before it hits the paper, for this is the way of "automatic journaling." My mind, open and receptive, already knows what I need to know. I've just been blocking with all the tightening.
This is life and life needs care. The body is always text messaging, so tune in. Right now my jaw is aching it's message to me. My compulsions are right outside the door, waiting for me to stop writing so they can take over. The "hurry-up twins" are pushing their way to the front of the queue, trying to bother me even during this special time for myself. I've found them at the gym and even in my meditation...pushing me around. A new breath enters my body. It's very deep and cleansing....the color blue. A healing breath holding a reminder image. My body absorbs both. I'm not alone in this and that is good to know.
Depression is a word to describe certain symptoms experienced by the body and mind. While all depressions are different, each depression changes unto itself as it moves through experiences. Each thought, image or happening produces it's own chemical marinade, each multiplying itself, so it's easy to understand how depression accelerates when it owns the car and the gas pedal.
Depression entered my life during early childhood, reinforced through parenting, and then through my desire for it....allowing me to play the power role of victim as I looked for love and acceptance. In those years I was not aware of what I was doing, but even now that it is recognizable, it calls out to me. We tend to flow towards the familiar. Most of the time I keep the details to myself as I continue to reside in this secret, lonely world.
Automatic writing or inner journaling gives me an opening for release. Sometimes the release comes quickly. This time it didn't happen that way. Instead, I nibbled around the outside of it, like eating the colored candy off an M&M before delving into the chocolate. This time the pain was both outer and inner, my body screaming with the tension, at night refusing to sink into the mattress, almost afraid to release it for fear of falling off the Universe. At first review, the mind revealed nothing out of the ordinary list of stressors, but a closer look turned up some mind games that probably pushed me over the edge. Selling our home in a down market, always working, never giving myself release time, aging, anxiety producing physical manifestations and a bundle of fears lined up to display themselves holding signs that told me there were more.
Sometimes releasing such a gambit is even more difficult that diminishing something bigger. There are so many camps to visit, change and then maintain.
I have some questions for my "Journal Master." I mentioned earlier that once the debris is removed, then there is space for creativity, in this instance creative questioning and investigation. I'm looking for growth, for once the nut is cracked, depression holds powerful and valuable gifts. Yes, the cracking was frightening and painful, but not as much as the thoughts that surrounded the idea of it. Once I stopped trying to control the bleeding, everything went smoothly, so...
"Will I ever learn to care for my tendency towards depression?"
My pen responds, "Look at your question and then you tell me the answer."
Oh, it's clear to me now. I've claimed ownership of the tendency towards depression by calling it "mine." Owning something reinforces it unto itself. During the past months...no, actually years, I've certainly claimed this ownership, donating lots of time and attention to it, actually befriending it. No...becoming it.
"Now I've created some space through release, but wondering what to put into that space, especially since all the things that brought me down still exist."
I know the answer before it hits the paper, for this is the way of "automatic journaling." My mind, open and receptive, already knows what I need to know. I've just been blocking with all the tightening.
This is life and life needs care. The body is always text messaging, so tune in. Right now my jaw is aching it's message to me. My compulsions are right outside the door, waiting for me to stop writing so they can take over. The "hurry-up twins" are pushing their way to the front of the queue, trying to bother me even during this special time for myself. I've found them at the gym and even in my meditation...pushing me around. A new breath enters my body. It's very deep and cleansing....the color blue. A healing breath holding a reminder image. My body absorbs both. I'm not alone in this and that is good to know.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Who Owns Who?
This business of "self-ownership" came up again today. A good point of reference for journaling because it is much more important than it seems on the surface...
OK....where to start? I'll just let my pen make that decision.
We go through life owning all sorts of things. Even as little children we can remember owning our toys, clothes, even people. "My Mommy" comes to mind. Yes, she was MINE and when I held her hand, I remember doing so with pride of ownership. Of course, I knew that my mother had other kids, but in my little egotistical mind that was of no importance. She was mine and mine alone. As a teenager, there was MY boyfriend and MY best girlfriend. Again, pride in ownership, until the day when the boy wandered over to another "property" and my girlfriend made the cheering squad, finding new friends that didn't include me. Those were painful days.
Not learning the lesson, I carried my Ownership Manual into my marriage. My husband also had a manual, so according to the rules, I owned him and he owned me. Even our marriage vows sounded a bit like the manual. In my defense, I never quite cared for the way these vows were written, but in those years no one even thought to write their own version.
Looking back at our history of arguing, it truly all boiled down to the conflicting Ownership Manuals. "Do this because I say so." "You are mine." "Who do you think you are?" "I'm running this ship and I set the rules." "I don't remember giving you permission to buy that." "When are you going to grow up?" Just a few examples.
It's easy to understand how resentment grows when one's personal Manual is simply thrown aside as if it has no value. Then there's that feeling of being held captive, hands tied behind the back.... no escape in sight. Here are the choices...give up, please the other or fight back. It seems to me there needs to be more choices. What am I missing?
The pen scrawls, "You were born alone and you will die alone."
Silence.
And then, "the space in-between those two Events belongs to you. Spend it as you choose."
Being brought to the realization that no one can own another, I put my Manual away. I could dispose of it, but I want to keep it as a reminder of what is my truth. I am free to live my life as I see fit, with the understanding that I must not harm others, but instead help them to grow and experience their own freedom.
I can't help but ask, "Will this be a hard sell?" After all, I've been married for decades. This new position of mine will not be very welcomed.
"There is nothing to sell. Just position yourself between your birth and death, imaging yourself taking care of yourSelf first, then extending your hand to help others. The rest will take care of itself. Perhaps a few bumps, but before long the road will become smoother. While it's true that you might hit other bumps, just drive your own car, for this is the only car you have. How you care for it will determine it's longevity, both emotionally and physically."
In the middle of writing this, I hit a bump. Needing to say "no" when my partner was definitely looking for a "yes." A few insults following...like cow dung being thrown my way. His childSelf obviously not happy with my response, but it is the best thing for me and I deserve to be respected. Therefore, I deliver the respect to mySelf. This means that I'm not needy, nor will I ever be needy because I provide what I need to mySelf. Of course, it would be wonderful if he would also provide it, but since I don't "need" it, then my resentment is lessened. It's easier to shift over to a feel-good position. In the past, the pothole would have prevailed. Another day spent angry and resentful.
I admit to feeling the compulsion to go back and explain my position, but my Higher Self says "no need." Over-explaining is a co-dependent behavior, meaning that I give the keys of my car to someone else. Not the way to drive forward...
OK....where to start? I'll just let my pen make that decision.
We go through life owning all sorts of things. Even as little children we can remember owning our toys, clothes, even people. "My Mommy" comes to mind. Yes, she was MINE and when I held her hand, I remember doing so with pride of ownership. Of course, I knew that my mother had other kids, but in my little egotistical mind that was of no importance. She was mine and mine alone. As a teenager, there was MY boyfriend and MY best girlfriend. Again, pride in ownership, until the day when the boy wandered over to another "property" and my girlfriend made the cheering squad, finding new friends that didn't include me. Those were painful days.
Not learning the lesson, I carried my Ownership Manual into my marriage. My husband also had a manual, so according to the rules, I owned him and he owned me. Even our marriage vows sounded a bit like the manual. In my defense, I never quite cared for the way these vows were written, but in those years no one even thought to write their own version.
Looking back at our history of arguing, it truly all boiled down to the conflicting Ownership Manuals. "Do this because I say so." "You are mine." "Who do you think you are?" "I'm running this ship and I set the rules." "I don't remember giving you permission to buy that." "When are you going to grow up?" Just a few examples.
It's easy to understand how resentment grows when one's personal Manual is simply thrown aside as if it has no value. Then there's that feeling of being held captive, hands tied behind the back.... no escape in sight. Here are the choices...give up, please the other or fight back. It seems to me there needs to be more choices. What am I missing?
The pen scrawls, "You were born alone and you will die alone."
Silence.
And then, "the space in-between those two Events belongs to you. Spend it as you choose."
Being brought to the realization that no one can own another, I put my Manual away. I could dispose of it, but I want to keep it as a reminder of what is my truth. I am free to live my life as I see fit, with the understanding that I must not harm others, but instead help them to grow and experience their own freedom.
I can't help but ask, "Will this be a hard sell?" After all, I've been married for decades. This new position of mine will not be very welcomed.
"There is nothing to sell. Just position yourself between your birth and death, imaging yourself taking care of yourSelf first, then extending your hand to help others. The rest will take care of itself. Perhaps a few bumps, but before long the road will become smoother. While it's true that you might hit other bumps, just drive your own car, for this is the only car you have. How you care for it will determine it's longevity, both emotionally and physically."
In the middle of writing this, I hit a bump. Needing to say "no" when my partner was definitely looking for a "yes." A few insults following...like cow dung being thrown my way. His childSelf obviously not happy with my response, but it is the best thing for me and I deserve to be respected. Therefore, I deliver the respect to mySelf. This means that I'm not needy, nor will I ever be needy because I provide what I need to mySelf. Of course, it would be wonderful if he would also provide it, but since I don't "need" it, then my resentment is lessened. It's easier to shift over to a feel-good position. In the past, the pothole would have prevailed. Another day spent angry and resentful.
I admit to feeling the compulsion to go back and explain my position, but my Higher Self says "no need." Over-explaining is a co-dependent behavior, meaning that I give the keys of my car to someone else. Not the way to drive forward...
What's Inside? The Big Green Garbage Dumpster
Some days when I sit down with my journal in front of me, I haven't a clue as to what to write. My life seems to be going on an even keel, and part of me prefers not to shake the boat. Obviously there are always going to be things that I'd like to change, but isn't this the way life unfolds? Won't there always be dust in the corners and dirt under the carpet?'
My pen hits the journal "running."
"Is this what you think this journaling project is about? Do you really believe it's about surface dirt??"
Whoops...I guess not.
Getting past the surface crud has always been an issue for me. Yes, it's true. I tend to accept it because sometimes "life just sucks." So, the issue isn't the crud, but what is waiting for me underneath....the gifts of creativity. I know I want them, but getting to them takes a special type of cleaning and clearing.
Long ago, I learned that there is value in garbage. I actually took a course in garbage collecting on the streets of New York. It was given by a "professional" garbage expert who showed us how to shop for garbage and best of all, how to evaluate and then climb into those great big green dumpsters. My heart still beats fast when I pass one of them...wondering what sort of treasures are hidden there. Yes, I want to climb up and in even though it isn't politically correct. I remember my husband telling me NEVER to tell anyone about my "hobby". One evening I found myself at a dinner party sitting next to a professor of pediatrics. When he asked me what I did for fun, I did bite my tongue and gave some easy answer like cooking...reading...you get the idea. Then, I asked him about his hobbies. "Oh...I collect garbage at the local dump." My childSelf sat up straight..."how do you manage that?" He proudly took out his "dump pass." That part of me was mesmerized and so yes, I shared some of my green dumpster experiences with him. It was a great evening.
I like remembering that story, but for different reasons. Garbage has great metaphorical meaning and there is value in all of it, but it does take courage to climb into the dumpster of the mind, because that's where the garbage is located.
Here are some good ground rules...
Handle garbage with care. While it may be dirty and have nails or other things that can cut you, it also has great value. Sometimes the dirtiest garbage harbors the biggest secrets.
If you respect the garbage, it will respect you. The garbage is not out to get you. As you examine it, feel free to ask "opening questions." A couple of examples, "What can you tell me about yourself?" or... "What lessons can you teach me?" If you are working hypnotically or in automatic journaling, those answers will come quickly into your mind as thoughts or will flow off the end of your pen.
Work with imaginology. Ask the garbage image to open and ask to see the creative insides. You may be surprised at what comes forth for you. You might ask permission to "gift" it with a positive affirmation or a respectful visit, perhaps a healing of forgiveness, compassion or deep understanding for any part you played.
All experiences, garbage included, have a variety of suggestions or plans for making your life better than before. If they are not forthcoming, ask for them. Remember, the mind works backwards and all plans flow from the end to the beginning.
Always remember to show gratitude and never trash it...you will always be rewarded!
My pen hits the journal "running."
"Is this what you think this journaling project is about? Do you really believe it's about surface dirt??"
Whoops...I guess not.
Getting past the surface crud has always been an issue for me. Yes, it's true. I tend to accept it because sometimes "life just sucks." So, the issue isn't the crud, but what is waiting for me underneath....the gifts of creativity. I know I want them, but getting to them takes a special type of cleaning and clearing.
Long ago, I learned that there is value in garbage. I actually took a course in garbage collecting on the streets of New York. It was given by a "professional" garbage expert who showed us how to shop for garbage and best of all, how to evaluate and then climb into those great big green dumpsters. My heart still beats fast when I pass one of them...wondering what sort of treasures are hidden there. Yes, I want to climb up and in even though it isn't politically correct. I remember my husband telling me NEVER to tell anyone about my "hobby". One evening I found myself at a dinner party sitting next to a professor of pediatrics. When he asked me what I did for fun, I did bite my tongue and gave some easy answer like cooking...reading...you get the idea. Then, I asked him about his hobbies. "Oh...I collect garbage at the local dump." My childSelf sat up straight..."how do you manage that?" He proudly took out his "dump pass." That part of me was mesmerized and so yes, I shared some of my green dumpster experiences with him. It was a great evening.
I like remembering that story, but for different reasons. Garbage has great metaphorical meaning and there is value in all of it, but it does take courage to climb into the dumpster of the mind, because that's where the garbage is located.
Here are some good ground rules...
Handle garbage with care. While it may be dirty and have nails or other things that can cut you, it also has great value. Sometimes the dirtiest garbage harbors the biggest secrets.
If you respect the garbage, it will respect you. The garbage is not out to get you. As you examine it, feel free to ask "opening questions." A couple of examples, "What can you tell me about yourself?" or... "What lessons can you teach me?" If you are working hypnotically or in automatic journaling, those answers will come quickly into your mind as thoughts or will flow off the end of your pen.
Work with imaginology. Ask the garbage image to open and ask to see the creative insides. You may be surprised at what comes forth for you. You might ask permission to "gift" it with a positive affirmation or a respectful visit, perhaps a healing of forgiveness, compassion or deep understanding for any part you played.
All experiences, garbage included, have a variety of suggestions or plans for making your life better than before. If they are not forthcoming, ask for them. Remember, the mind works backwards and all plans flow from the end to the beginning.
Always remember to show gratitude and never trash it...you will always be rewarded!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Subway Rush Hour!
Relax. Let go. Breathe. Meditate. Stop the pushing. Where do I get off?
Living in my body/mind is like riding the NYC subway at rush hour. This morning I explained to my journal that it's always been like this, so what is the purpose of changing? Well, according to my pen, just because something "has always been" doesn't mean that it "needs to remain," nor does it necessarily mean that it is a "good thing."
I hate being woken up in this way. It's much more comfortable to just stay asleep. But, comfort isn't why I came back to inner journaling. Another example of thinking something is a good idea and then waking up in the middle of the pain. Like the last time we tiled the bathroom. The pictures of the finished project looking great in my head, but the tiles slipped into their own version of the truth. Now, once again, questioning my moments of insanity, expecting things to be the way my mind perceives.
The last weeks have been filled with continuous "subway travel." The doors never opening. No respite....just pushing and shaking my body back and forth. A meditation unto itself?
The other passengers appear hypnotized, locked in their own world. Thinking that if someone were to shove a knife into my side, no one would notice my blood dripping on the floor. Leaves me with the belief that we're all very alone on this train ride, going towards destinations that either exist or not.
Lots of chit chat about choices and road maps and decision making and the rest of the usual mind garbage. It's amazing how we can repeat all of this day after day, then sleep and get up for more of it. Yes, we do get to some destinations, but for most of us we sleep through our arrival or don't even enjoy it when we get there.
"Sounding depressed today?" Ahhh...the pen flowing "therapist ink."
Thinking about this and wondering if all days are filled with some level of depression. Can hardly remember a fully sunny day. Are there such days? Have to ask around, but first have to find someone who might actually know about these. Off the top of my head, I can't think of who to ask. Certainly no one in my immediate environment. I could go to the playground and ask a child, but then again, children rarely know how happy they are because they are so much "in the moment."
Oh that damn phrase..."in the moment." The place to go. The place to be. And, if one doesn't go there, then the chances of meeting one's true Self is next to slim. But where is this place and does this train go there?? How do I know when or where to get off this dang thing?
Now, I'm not saying that I've never been "in the moment", because I have been there. The problem is that I don't know how I got there or how to get back. I question the number of people who talk about this place. My feelings are that if they live "in the moment", then why are they talking about it as a place to go, instead of a place where they actually reside? To my mind, if you are "in the moment", you are too absorbed to pay attention to anyone or anything else. The focus is far too grand to give your attention to me.
So...can I be "in the moment" while riding this subway?
My pen smiles. Of course. Think of yourself as living and participating in the "circus of the world." This is a highly emotional place where everyone is lost in the acting out of their own personal drama. The stories are repeated over and over, each time etching them further into the subconscious mind. All drama is fiction. It's not happening "in the moment", so even IF it truly happened before, it's not happening now and so it's fiction. When you repeat a story, either out load or in your mind, you are busy re-telling a fictional account of something. And, you cannot be in your fictional story and "in the moment" at the same time. In addition, others are always inviting, even pushing others into their drama, almost like going into the audience and pulling someone onto the stage of a play. Experience this OR ELSE!
Living in the "circus of the world" keeps you there. In order to "live in the moment" you must choose to leave the circus. Yes, you can do this at any moment and it's really quite simple. First, you must know the difference between the circus and the non-circus. It helps to have an image for the latter. I like the image of a "golden egg." Let's go ahead and feel what it feels like to be inside that "golden egg." You reach that destination with a simple awareness that you are in the circus and choose to leave and then....notice your next breath and ride it inside the golden egg. It will open to greet you.
Once inside, sense the stillness. Looking out, notice that the circus is outside and you are not a part of it. You can observe it, but you are in a quiet place. Other images can greet you, enhancing your "golden egg experience." I like to sense the gold filling my body, part by part, almost elevating me or inviting me to float inside the egg. Free, light and airy. So relaxed, but able to observe the actions and behaviors of others. Just like being in the audience of a theater, but this time, you are not up on the stage in the drama, but instead just observing or witnessing. As you become more skilled, you can add more images to expand your experience, but for today, this is just fine.
"So, where does my depression go?" The pen is used to my questioning, respecting my desire to know even more.
Depression, anxiety, high level emotions....all live in the circus of the world. When you enter the egg, they simply leave. Now I know what you are going to ask. "Will they find me when I find myself back in the circus?" They might, especially if they are well-conditioned like old shoes, but then, it's up to you to disengage from them...."in the moment." Big Pen Smile!!
Living in my body/mind is like riding the NYC subway at rush hour. This morning I explained to my journal that it's always been like this, so what is the purpose of changing? Well, according to my pen, just because something "has always been" doesn't mean that it "needs to remain," nor does it necessarily mean that it is a "good thing."
I hate being woken up in this way. It's much more comfortable to just stay asleep. But, comfort isn't why I came back to inner journaling. Another example of thinking something is a good idea and then waking up in the middle of the pain. Like the last time we tiled the bathroom. The pictures of the finished project looking great in my head, but the tiles slipped into their own version of the truth. Now, once again, questioning my moments of insanity, expecting things to be the way my mind perceives.
The last weeks have been filled with continuous "subway travel." The doors never opening. No respite....just pushing and shaking my body back and forth. A meditation unto itself?
The other passengers appear hypnotized, locked in their own world. Thinking that if someone were to shove a knife into my side, no one would notice my blood dripping on the floor. Leaves me with the belief that we're all very alone on this train ride, going towards destinations that either exist or not.
Lots of chit chat about choices and road maps and decision making and the rest of the usual mind garbage. It's amazing how we can repeat all of this day after day, then sleep and get up for more of it. Yes, we do get to some destinations, but for most of us we sleep through our arrival or don't even enjoy it when we get there.
"Sounding depressed today?" Ahhh...the pen flowing "therapist ink."
Thinking about this and wondering if all days are filled with some level of depression. Can hardly remember a fully sunny day. Are there such days? Have to ask around, but first have to find someone who might actually know about these. Off the top of my head, I can't think of who to ask. Certainly no one in my immediate environment. I could go to the playground and ask a child, but then again, children rarely know how happy they are because they are so much "in the moment."
Oh that damn phrase..."in the moment." The place to go. The place to be. And, if one doesn't go there, then the chances of meeting one's true Self is next to slim. But where is this place and does this train go there?? How do I know when or where to get off this dang thing?
Now, I'm not saying that I've never been "in the moment", because I have been there. The problem is that I don't know how I got there or how to get back. I question the number of people who talk about this place. My feelings are that if they live "in the moment", then why are they talking about it as a place to go, instead of a place where they actually reside? To my mind, if you are "in the moment", you are too absorbed to pay attention to anyone or anything else. The focus is far too grand to give your attention to me.
So...can I be "in the moment" while riding this subway?
My pen smiles. Of course. Think of yourself as living and participating in the "circus of the world." This is a highly emotional place where everyone is lost in the acting out of their own personal drama. The stories are repeated over and over, each time etching them further into the subconscious mind. All drama is fiction. It's not happening "in the moment", so even IF it truly happened before, it's not happening now and so it's fiction. When you repeat a story, either out load or in your mind, you are busy re-telling a fictional account of something. And, you cannot be in your fictional story and "in the moment" at the same time. In addition, others are always inviting, even pushing others into their drama, almost like going into the audience and pulling someone onto the stage of a play. Experience this OR ELSE!
Living in the "circus of the world" keeps you there. In order to "live in the moment" you must choose to leave the circus. Yes, you can do this at any moment and it's really quite simple. First, you must know the difference between the circus and the non-circus. It helps to have an image for the latter. I like the image of a "golden egg." Let's go ahead and feel what it feels like to be inside that "golden egg." You reach that destination with a simple awareness that you are in the circus and choose to leave and then....notice your next breath and ride it inside the golden egg. It will open to greet you.
Once inside, sense the stillness. Looking out, notice that the circus is outside and you are not a part of it. You can observe it, but you are in a quiet place. Other images can greet you, enhancing your "golden egg experience." I like to sense the gold filling my body, part by part, almost elevating me or inviting me to float inside the egg. Free, light and airy. So relaxed, but able to observe the actions and behaviors of others. Just like being in the audience of a theater, but this time, you are not up on the stage in the drama, but instead just observing or witnessing. As you become more skilled, you can add more images to expand your experience, but for today, this is just fine.
"So, where does my depression go?" The pen is used to my questioning, respecting my desire to know even more.
Depression, anxiety, high level emotions....all live in the circus of the world. When you enter the egg, they simply leave. Now I know what you are going to ask. "Will they find me when I find myself back in the circus?" They might, especially if they are well-conditioned like old shoes, but then, it's up to you to disengage from them...."in the moment." Big Pen Smile!!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Oh....that Sugar!
In the practice of hypnotherapy, or in this instance "inner journaling", images are utilized to evoke change in the subconscious mind. The work involves cleaning and clearing, also looked upon as releasing and then planting new mind programs that will build upon themselves. It's important to know that the mind works backwards. Once an image or program is planted, it will take on it's own life which includes making a plan and then working it forward. For example, today I'm going to work in the area of my eating issues. I've had these most of my life and while I've made lots of progress over the years, when stress is high, some of these find new ways of inching into my life. If you have any kind of disorderly eating, which most of us do, then you will recognize this as your own.
Nothing is perfect and perfection is never the goal. Sigh of relief!
Journaling early in the morning works best for me. My inner mind and my "journal master" like to know that there will be no interruptions. As we enter the creative center of the subconscious mind, it's easy to understand why this is the choice environment. There is power in stillness. Just sitting in the center of quiet opens the mind to what wants to show itself. Sometimes negative programs come forward, so this is the opportunity to release them. The subconscious mind doesn't judge, so it doesn't know if you want to keep the negative programs. The more frequently these are played without being released, the more conditioned they become.
Lately I've let some negative eating programs play out. Obviously, this is not what I want, but in the moment they are playing, the obstructionists are ever present skillfully pushing their desires, making up fantastic stories. Foods mysteriously appearing in my shopping cart and fridge. The obstructionists are the parts of me that are highly conditioned to wanting the addictive behavior. We all have these and in certain areas of life, especially addiction, it's important, even vital for survival, to know how to dismiss or manage them.
In this blog I'm working directly in my own subconscious mind and inviting you to sit with me and follow the process. It's not complicated, but it does take a special discipline. You might believe that discipline is something you can't do, especially if you are disorderly, but in truth, most disorder is actually disciplined or conditioned. Addictions are conditioned. Today I'm going to address some very old conditioned or negatively disciplined mind programs that need releasing.
Mind programs are in layers. That is why they can re-occur. Some layers are easier to remove than others. Some are partially removed, while others sit and hide, waiting for a good stressful moment to re-appear. This is what I'm dealing with right now.
It's time to take out my journal and give power to my pen. Just their appearance on my desk acts as a catalyst for deepening my trance state. When stress is high, it's actually easier to release or deepen. I can sense my body's happiness at seeing the journal and pen. It's anticipating release and that is reason to rejoice. Imagine being a tense body and then finally someone arrives and loosens you. See what I mean?
Deeper down, I'm in the area of my eating issues. I have an area already assigned to these. The image is delightful....warm and serene. A beautifully appointed condo...walking around now, enjoying the interior decoration and design. I'm setting the scene for what comes next. There is no point in fighting, punching or attacking any negative behavior for that only etches or conditions it further. Entering the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator and cupboards. Healthy foods present. Admiring them, tasting some and feeling the joy of healthy eating. In the past, my eating was far from healthy, and so I have new conditioned mind programs in this area.
As I look to the back of the fridge, I see some foods that are usually not present. Most are chocolate or sugary. While some are allowed, I'm not happy that these are placed in the back. That is a hiding behavior, set up to deceive. I know this part of me. It's programs are very old and very dangerous. If not cleaned and cleared, they can attach themselves to other parts of my life. Not something I want.
Moving those objects forward. Noticing there are too many. Reading the thought programs attached to the objects....the reasoning, excuses, etc. Calling in the responsible "childSelf." Using a gentle, but firm voice. My Higher or Therapeutic Self is in charge. I'm the writer, director and producer of my life and not the childSelf. Obviously, I could have just removed the items, but it's important to discipline the part of me that slipped up. There is no discussion. Nothing. No words. No thoughts. Just action. Removal of what needs to go and celebration of what can stay. Standing back and admiring the "job well done." Another person enters. This is an "older Self." Thanking the child for giving her health and for being an important part of the "health team."
I'm taking this subject a bit further, because the undesirable food did come into the house and so that must be addressed as well. I don't like throwing things away, so the behavior needs to be managed where it originated....in the supermarket.
Mind travel is very quick!! Off to the market with the child and the older Self. Sensing the shopping cart, feeling the cool metal under my hands, brings me further down into the trance. Touching the child's hair...holding the hand of my elder and now walking down the aisles, passing items that aren't needed in our "high level health program." Breathing and relaxing. Feeling the freedom from compulsion...
There are two types of motivation....negative and positive. While I use both, the positive motivator or freedom from compulsion is my favorite. Each time I remember to feel the feeling, the sense of freedom is re-etched in my mind, becoming stronger and more powerful. It makes me smile inwardly...
Nothing is perfect and perfection is never the goal. Sigh of relief!
Journaling early in the morning works best for me. My inner mind and my "journal master" like to know that there will be no interruptions. As we enter the creative center of the subconscious mind, it's easy to understand why this is the choice environment. There is power in stillness. Just sitting in the center of quiet opens the mind to what wants to show itself. Sometimes negative programs come forward, so this is the opportunity to release them. The subconscious mind doesn't judge, so it doesn't know if you want to keep the negative programs. The more frequently these are played without being released, the more conditioned they become.
Lately I've let some negative eating programs play out. Obviously, this is not what I want, but in the moment they are playing, the obstructionists are ever present skillfully pushing their desires, making up fantastic stories. Foods mysteriously appearing in my shopping cart and fridge. The obstructionists are the parts of me that are highly conditioned to wanting the addictive behavior. We all have these and in certain areas of life, especially addiction, it's important, even vital for survival, to know how to dismiss or manage them.
In this blog I'm working directly in my own subconscious mind and inviting you to sit with me and follow the process. It's not complicated, but it does take a special discipline. You might believe that discipline is something you can't do, especially if you are disorderly, but in truth, most disorder is actually disciplined or conditioned. Addictions are conditioned. Today I'm going to address some very old conditioned or negatively disciplined mind programs that need releasing.
Mind programs are in layers. That is why they can re-occur. Some layers are easier to remove than others. Some are partially removed, while others sit and hide, waiting for a good stressful moment to re-appear. This is what I'm dealing with right now.
It's time to take out my journal and give power to my pen. Just their appearance on my desk acts as a catalyst for deepening my trance state. When stress is high, it's actually easier to release or deepen. I can sense my body's happiness at seeing the journal and pen. It's anticipating release and that is reason to rejoice. Imagine being a tense body and then finally someone arrives and loosens you. See what I mean?
Deeper down, I'm in the area of my eating issues. I have an area already assigned to these. The image is delightful....warm and serene. A beautifully appointed condo...walking around now, enjoying the interior decoration and design. I'm setting the scene for what comes next. There is no point in fighting, punching or attacking any negative behavior for that only etches or conditions it further. Entering the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator and cupboards. Healthy foods present. Admiring them, tasting some and feeling the joy of healthy eating. In the past, my eating was far from healthy, and so I have new conditioned mind programs in this area.
As I look to the back of the fridge, I see some foods that are usually not present. Most are chocolate or sugary. While some are allowed, I'm not happy that these are placed in the back. That is a hiding behavior, set up to deceive. I know this part of me. It's programs are very old and very dangerous. If not cleaned and cleared, they can attach themselves to other parts of my life. Not something I want.
Moving those objects forward. Noticing there are too many. Reading the thought programs attached to the objects....the reasoning, excuses, etc. Calling in the responsible "childSelf." Using a gentle, but firm voice. My Higher or Therapeutic Self is in charge. I'm the writer, director and producer of my life and not the childSelf. Obviously, I could have just removed the items, but it's important to discipline the part of me that slipped up. There is no discussion. Nothing. No words. No thoughts. Just action. Removal of what needs to go and celebration of what can stay. Standing back and admiring the "job well done." Another person enters. This is an "older Self." Thanking the child for giving her health and for being an important part of the "health team."
I'm taking this subject a bit further, because the undesirable food did come into the house and so that must be addressed as well. I don't like throwing things away, so the behavior needs to be managed where it originated....in the supermarket.
Mind travel is very quick!! Off to the market with the child and the older Self. Sensing the shopping cart, feeling the cool metal under my hands, brings me further down into the trance. Touching the child's hair...holding the hand of my elder and now walking down the aisles, passing items that aren't needed in our "high level health program." Breathing and relaxing. Feeling the freedom from compulsion...
There are two types of motivation....negative and positive. While I use both, the positive motivator or freedom from compulsion is my favorite. Each time I remember to feel the feeling, the sense of freedom is re-etched in my mind, becoming stronger and more powerful. It makes me smile inwardly...
Friday, September 17, 2010
Library Visit
It's been a long while since I've been inside my own library. Rather like the cobbler who walks around with holes in his shoes.
It's interesting how we choose careers based on our own needs. The medical profession is famous for this. Always looking to fix others. I'm reminded of our professor of psychiatry who had a special handkerchief for opening doors. I entered the field of nursing through a back door. Fear of blood, accidents and death. The automobile accident that killed my father. My early child negatively impressed with the image of the "jaws of life" that extricated him from the car. Big bear teeth compressed on my daddy's body.
I've always been impressed with pain and death. Pain, both physical and emotional. The fear drawing me closer, while the child wanting to run, hide and just peak from around the corner. A sick enjoyment of feeling frightened, even wanting to vomit. Living life on the edge, an early indication of the addictive tendencies that would shadow my life.
I don't cry about my life. My father's death and all that followed did pave the way for an interesting life and career choices. I know how to enter dark places and learned how to exit them as well. For all of this, I'm grateful. Would it have been better not to have had these experiences? One could argue that, but as an observer of life and it's inherent difficulties, I know that I prefer knowing what my experiences have given me. How many people find themselves in pain, but stay stuck? My career choice is more than obvious.
However, fixing others is not the same as fixing oneself. This is what I want to discuss with my "journal master." I understand my attraction to my career, but I'd like to be able to place myself first without having to think about it. Growing up bathed in guilt and shame, a chambermaid of sorts, it's been difficult for me to make an easy slide from that awareness into placing myself first. Yes, I can do it, but placing "me first" on auto-pilot is still an awkward maneuver and I'd like to change that. My current auto-pilot goes something like this:
"Take care of everyone else first, then you can take care of yourself. If there is no time left, then wait for the next day....or the next....or the one after that, for indeed, it really doesn't matter." One day, when my children were young, I remember looking in the mirror and being shocked at what was reflected back at me. "When did I wash my hair last?"
"Cook what other people like, for their desires are more important. It doesn't really matter what you eat. You like everything anyway." I believe that the early seedlings of my "secret bingeing" are housed in this department. I'd certainly like to place these in some protective box, where I can see them, but they are without power. I still feel their presence on occasion.
"It's OK to purchase things for yourself, but always bring something for the others, for if not, you will appear selfish." Other seedlings live in this place. Purchasing, hiding and then bringing things out "pretending" that they aren't new. Games we play.
Oh...this looks terrible on paper. Me, a therapist, thinking like this? Or...I could also say, "me a mother" thinking like this? Or, "me a wife" thinking like this? Or, "me a friend or colleague" thinking like this?
My "journal master" stands by my side, hand on my shoulder, telling me that "while these truths are uncomfortable, shedding light on them will bring me to a higher balance." It's time to go to the library and make some choices.
Relaxing deeply and going down the spiral staircase is easy for me. I'm energized by my self-work. Taking special time only for myself is something I've always craved. Making the decision to be present daily is already showing it's value in my daily life. I am grateful for the guidance of Spirit. Now realizing that I am spirit, everything becomes easier. Noticing that I carry my two birth books. What I've come to learn and what I've come to teach.
Finding myself already inside my library. On the shelves in front of me are all of the articles, books, patient care plans, family care plans, folders of notes, years of day-timers and every audio program I've ever written or recorded. I'm stunned at the accumulation of accomplishments over the decades. Like most people, tending to forget what's been achieved, only choosing to see what has been left undone....dreams, etc. Realizing that "yes, these were also once dreams, but now they simply sit, unnoticed." I'm asked to give gratitude for all of these things, including the ones that appear partially finished, for these are seeds of pure creativity, ready to teach as well.
So, nothing is really unfinished? Everything is "finished unto itself." Realizing how cruel and hateful I've been to these dimensions of my life. Asking for forgiveness and honoring the creative undertaking.
Scanning the self-hypnotic audio programs. Looking into the written scripts, all reading like new. Remembering writing these, often wondering where the words came from, but now I know. My spiritual self residing in my human body. Of course. No wonder it was so easy to write these, but now comes the question, "if Spirit wrote these and I am Spirit in a human body, then why do I still find myself buried in old issues?"
Everything is "finished unto itself." "Are you telling me that I'm NOT buried in old issues? Then, what are these things that I'm experiencing?" I'm eager to gather information about my disorderly eating and "ego" disruptions. Waiting for the pen to flow the answer onto my paper.
As per the pen, "You are never in the same place. Even if you have been to a place before, it is not the same place. Everything changes. Your issues, environment and even you are in continuous change. Every time you address an issue it is different. Different time, place and individual. Each time you read something you have already learned, researched or written, it comes with a brand new message. Spirit brings what is needed in that moment. All you need to do is to be in a receptive state with a willingness to change."
I'm filled with new excitement about what's on the library shelves. Where to begin...again? "Why not start at the beginning," suggests the pen.
"The beginning of what?"
"The beginning of anything."
It's interesting how we choose careers based on our own needs. The medical profession is famous for this. Always looking to fix others. I'm reminded of our professor of psychiatry who had a special handkerchief for opening doors. I entered the field of nursing through a back door. Fear of blood, accidents and death. The automobile accident that killed my father. My early child negatively impressed with the image of the "jaws of life" that extricated him from the car. Big bear teeth compressed on my daddy's body.
I've always been impressed with pain and death. Pain, both physical and emotional. The fear drawing me closer, while the child wanting to run, hide and just peak from around the corner. A sick enjoyment of feeling frightened, even wanting to vomit. Living life on the edge, an early indication of the addictive tendencies that would shadow my life.
I don't cry about my life. My father's death and all that followed did pave the way for an interesting life and career choices. I know how to enter dark places and learned how to exit them as well. For all of this, I'm grateful. Would it have been better not to have had these experiences? One could argue that, but as an observer of life and it's inherent difficulties, I know that I prefer knowing what my experiences have given me. How many people find themselves in pain, but stay stuck? My career choice is more than obvious.
However, fixing others is not the same as fixing oneself. This is what I want to discuss with my "journal master." I understand my attraction to my career, but I'd like to be able to place myself first without having to think about it. Growing up bathed in guilt and shame, a chambermaid of sorts, it's been difficult for me to make an easy slide from that awareness into placing myself first. Yes, I can do it, but placing "me first" on auto-pilot is still an awkward maneuver and I'd like to change that. My current auto-pilot goes something like this:
"Take care of everyone else first, then you can take care of yourself. If there is no time left, then wait for the next day....or the next....or the one after that, for indeed, it really doesn't matter." One day, when my children were young, I remember looking in the mirror and being shocked at what was reflected back at me. "When did I wash my hair last?"
"Cook what other people like, for their desires are more important. It doesn't really matter what you eat. You like everything anyway." I believe that the early seedlings of my "secret bingeing" are housed in this department. I'd certainly like to place these in some protective box, where I can see them, but they are without power. I still feel their presence on occasion.
"It's OK to purchase things for yourself, but always bring something for the others, for if not, you will appear selfish." Other seedlings live in this place. Purchasing, hiding and then bringing things out "pretending" that they aren't new. Games we play.
Oh...this looks terrible on paper. Me, a therapist, thinking like this? Or...I could also say, "me a mother" thinking like this? Or, "me a wife" thinking like this? Or, "me a friend or colleague" thinking like this?
My "journal master" stands by my side, hand on my shoulder, telling me that "while these truths are uncomfortable, shedding light on them will bring me to a higher balance." It's time to go to the library and make some choices.
Relaxing deeply and going down the spiral staircase is easy for me. I'm energized by my self-work. Taking special time only for myself is something I've always craved. Making the decision to be present daily is already showing it's value in my daily life. I am grateful for the guidance of Spirit. Now realizing that I am spirit, everything becomes easier. Noticing that I carry my two birth books. What I've come to learn and what I've come to teach.
Finding myself already inside my library. On the shelves in front of me are all of the articles, books, patient care plans, family care plans, folders of notes, years of day-timers and every audio program I've ever written or recorded. I'm stunned at the accumulation of accomplishments over the decades. Like most people, tending to forget what's been achieved, only choosing to see what has been left undone....dreams, etc. Realizing that "yes, these were also once dreams, but now they simply sit, unnoticed." I'm asked to give gratitude for all of these things, including the ones that appear partially finished, for these are seeds of pure creativity, ready to teach as well.
So, nothing is really unfinished? Everything is "finished unto itself." Realizing how cruel and hateful I've been to these dimensions of my life. Asking for forgiveness and honoring the creative undertaking.
Scanning the self-hypnotic audio programs. Looking into the written scripts, all reading like new. Remembering writing these, often wondering where the words came from, but now I know. My spiritual self residing in my human body. Of course. No wonder it was so easy to write these, but now comes the question, "if Spirit wrote these and I am Spirit in a human body, then why do I still find myself buried in old issues?"
Everything is "finished unto itself." "Are you telling me that I'm NOT buried in old issues? Then, what are these things that I'm experiencing?" I'm eager to gather information about my disorderly eating and "ego" disruptions. Waiting for the pen to flow the answer onto my paper.
As per the pen, "You are never in the same place. Even if you have been to a place before, it is not the same place. Everything changes. Your issues, environment and even you are in continuous change. Every time you address an issue it is different. Different time, place and individual. Each time you read something you have already learned, researched or written, it comes with a brand new message. Spirit brings what is needed in that moment. All you need to do is to be in a receptive state with a willingness to change."
I'm filled with new excitement about what's on the library shelves. Where to begin...again? "Why not start at the beginning," suggests the pen.
"The beginning of what?"
"The beginning of anything."
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Hide and Seek
Oh....that desire and search for one's "true Self." Perhaps that's a reason why I'm journaling again. Tossing off all the encumbering coats, hoping the person I'm looking for is somewhere underneath.
My "journal master" finds this a delightful subject, encouraging me to put pen to paper. This subject has always intrigued me and I do admit to being on this journey, but it's been a long hunt and wondering if this is just one of those never ending, fruitless games life Farmville. Never enough crops, buildings or animals. Do self-searchers have levels like farmers? Wondering what those statistics say about my progress....and is it progress that I'm looking for OR is it the true treasure....my true Self.
Life is both long and short. Considering if there is actually such a person, and if so, where is she and how can I find her. Is she living in an exact place on my time-line? Is this all nonsense? Should I care?
Then wondering IF she truly exists, do I want to find her? And, for what purpose? Suppose my true Self doesn't get along with my husband, kids or anyone else. What if she doesn't like my career choices and has desires that aren't within my means? What then? More stress? Since I can't imagine anyone free of problems or issues, does she have a new variety for me to deal with? Certainly don't need that.
Remembering the time when I had psychotherapy after being very ill. No longer knew how to be well. Remembering my family not approving of the "new me." I imagined myself a chameleon, changing back and forth, of course, always to please others. My psychotherapist likened me to a caterpillar who was turning into a butterfly. No wonder I was more confused than ever. So much for looking for my true Self.
I ask my pen to answer "do true Selves have eating disorders?" Wouldn't mind being free of that. Life without bingeing or craving junk. Now, that might be worth leaving town for."
That last question must have popped the cork because I'm told that it is time to go deeper down the spiral staircase. Reminds me of my mother when she had enough of me. Yes, I know how to do this, so catching up with my deepening breath, I sit comfortably allowing the breath to take me deeper down. Pleasurable sensations as the body opens, releasing stored tension. The mind quiets, stillness prevails. Comfortable, like being inside a protective womb. Noticing the thoughts going down the path, to a place where thoughts go. Relieved of their duties. Probably exhausted from residing in my super-active mind....like traffic in Times Square.
Finding myself on the golden path and going in the direction of the light. This is where I usually meet up with my emotions, both negative and positive. But, today things are different. My past and future paths are filled with people of different ages, even babies being carried in baby-backpacks. I'm surprised that the very oldest people are walking without any help or devices. While they look old, their energy and spirit are obviously high. I'm confused regarding the number of people and return to my journal to clarify what's going on.
When journaling hypnotically, the pen writes by itself, without any efforting on my part. The question is known before even asking. The people are taking the places of the emotions. The ones from my past path are sitting on the left. Those from the future path, sitting on the right. According to my pen, other than the obvious, this holds no importance. It's not like one side is negative, the other positive as when the emotions appeared. They are simply divided into past and present. The youngest baby is my birth self. The oldest woman is my last self. Each individual carries two books. One represents what they have come to learn; the other what they have come to teach.
"Oh....then...my true Self is somewhere in the crowd?"
The pen writes, "Your true Self is everywhere...in the self-images and in everything else. It has no boundaries. It is not your body, your mind, your thoughts, your emotions, your habits, behaviors or addictions. While it is present in those things, it is not those things. Your true Self is a spiritual essence. Look to the light."
Rays coming down, infusing all who are present including myself. Or, whoever I am, for at this point I know nothing at all, except that "I am."
This knowing is both old and new. I can't say that I didn't know this, because I did, but to sense this in the inner environment where I now find myself, is new. Yes, I have felt the connection before, but not in this way. The difference seems to be the presence of my time-line people. These are my mentors, both past and present. The two books that they hold are filled with gifts for me. A new understanding emerges. The books will guide me forward, even the books of the past individuals. Exactly how this will happen is not clear to me, but I'm assured that all will happen as it is meant to be....now that my connections have been made whole.
My "journal master" finds this a delightful subject, encouraging me to put pen to paper. This subject has always intrigued me and I do admit to being on this journey, but it's been a long hunt and wondering if this is just one of those never ending, fruitless games life Farmville. Never enough crops, buildings or animals. Do self-searchers have levels like farmers? Wondering what those statistics say about my progress....and is it progress that I'm looking for OR is it the true treasure....my true Self.
Life is both long and short. Considering if there is actually such a person, and if so, where is she and how can I find her. Is she living in an exact place on my time-line? Is this all nonsense? Should I care?
Then wondering IF she truly exists, do I want to find her? And, for what purpose? Suppose my true Self doesn't get along with my husband, kids or anyone else. What if she doesn't like my career choices and has desires that aren't within my means? What then? More stress? Since I can't imagine anyone free of problems or issues, does she have a new variety for me to deal with? Certainly don't need that.
Remembering the time when I had psychotherapy after being very ill. No longer knew how to be well. Remembering my family not approving of the "new me." I imagined myself a chameleon, changing back and forth, of course, always to please others. My psychotherapist likened me to a caterpillar who was turning into a butterfly. No wonder I was more confused than ever. So much for looking for my true Self.
I ask my pen to answer "do true Selves have eating disorders?" Wouldn't mind being free of that. Life without bingeing or craving junk. Now, that might be worth leaving town for."
That last question must have popped the cork because I'm told that it is time to go deeper down the spiral staircase. Reminds me of my mother when she had enough of me. Yes, I know how to do this, so catching up with my deepening breath, I sit comfortably allowing the breath to take me deeper down. Pleasurable sensations as the body opens, releasing stored tension. The mind quiets, stillness prevails. Comfortable, like being inside a protective womb. Noticing the thoughts going down the path, to a place where thoughts go. Relieved of their duties. Probably exhausted from residing in my super-active mind....like traffic in Times Square.
Finding myself on the golden path and going in the direction of the light. This is where I usually meet up with my emotions, both negative and positive. But, today things are different. My past and future paths are filled with people of different ages, even babies being carried in baby-backpacks. I'm surprised that the very oldest people are walking without any help or devices. While they look old, their energy and spirit are obviously high. I'm confused regarding the number of people and return to my journal to clarify what's going on.
When journaling hypnotically, the pen writes by itself, without any efforting on my part. The question is known before even asking. The people are taking the places of the emotions. The ones from my past path are sitting on the left. Those from the future path, sitting on the right. According to my pen, other than the obvious, this holds no importance. It's not like one side is negative, the other positive as when the emotions appeared. They are simply divided into past and present. The youngest baby is my birth self. The oldest woman is my last self. Each individual carries two books. One represents what they have come to learn; the other what they have come to teach.
"Oh....then...my true Self is somewhere in the crowd?"
The pen writes, "Your true Self is everywhere...in the self-images and in everything else. It has no boundaries. It is not your body, your mind, your thoughts, your emotions, your habits, behaviors or addictions. While it is present in those things, it is not those things. Your true Self is a spiritual essence. Look to the light."
Rays coming down, infusing all who are present including myself. Or, whoever I am, for at this point I know nothing at all, except that "I am."
This knowing is both old and new. I can't say that I didn't know this, because I did, but to sense this in the inner environment where I now find myself, is new. Yes, I have felt the connection before, but not in this way. The difference seems to be the presence of my time-line people. These are my mentors, both past and present. The two books that they hold are filled with gifts for me. A new understanding emerges. The books will guide me forward, even the books of the past individuals. Exactly how this will happen is not clear to me, but I'm assured that all will happen as it is meant to be....now that my connections have been made whole.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Apple Carts & People Pleasing
Underneath personal "disorder" or "chaos" you can find the clues for healing. In this section of my blog, I invite you to look inside my own "inner journal", as I continue to manage my own disorderly eating issues.
----------------------------------------
Oh, these darn "apple carts."
As I wander around my life areas, the carts seem to be strewn all over the place. I'm stunned to even find them in my Adult or Teacher Self area. What is this telling me? Of course I know without even asking my Journal. I'm a born pleaser. Even in areas where I excel, I'm so careful not to upset others. In fact, this has matured into a skill of mine. Yes, I'm an expert at not upsetting others.
How do I do this?
By "super-policing" ...noticing early indicators upset in others....perhaps even before they do. I remember someone telling me that I would make a wonderful "English butler." Taking care of everyone's needs, real or imagined, even before the need was born. Obviously, this is a very wearing job and not a healthy one.
The rationale in my conditioned mind goes like this. " IF all needs of others are met, then there will be no interruption in whatever it is that I want to do for myself." And..."if all apple carts are kept upright, then no time needs to be spent picking up the spilled apples." Obviously, this is a very wearing job and not a healthy one.
Question. How to resign from my "English butler" duties and what about those apples that will inevitably spill because there is no butler? Who will keep the carts steady or be responsible for picking up the apples?
Answer. "No one."
As for resigning, consider it done. No one can Journal in this area and not resign. It's a given. This is the power of Inner Hypnotic Journaling. Uncovering a block or unwanted behavior or habit, then releasing it. While you may find yourSelf missing your butler uniform, notice that it is no longer "fitting."
"OK, but what about the apples?" Another indication that it's tough to let go.
"Let the apples roll where they may. You will soon come to realize that the large majority of them don't belong to you." Oh, my control issue appears. The part of me that wants to own and rule all the apples. If I take ownership, then my life will be easier. Another ridiculous story of my conditioned mind. My tired body and mind speak out. "All this apple tending is exhausting. It would be a huge relief to just let go."
All of this looks good on paper, but what about in real life. Questioning if I would really be able to just look the other way when the apples fall and roll. Will I feel guilty? I'm so used to caring for everyone and every thing.
Obviously my desire to control is not going to go quietly into the night. This is such a huge conditioned habit, one that can be traced back to early childhood. "Keep Mommy happy and you will be happy," goes the story. "Upset Mommy and life will be hell for everyone and you will be the cause." Early apple cart training.
Early stories are often very potent and best cared for in deeper trance, so I choose to go there. When the childSelf makes her appearance on the pages of my Journal, this is an indication that a deep release is possible. When she hides, then things are more difficult, so riding my breath now....going deeper down with ease, as if she is helping me to get there quickly.
She's waiting for me as I disembark from my traveling breath. A bit scruffy, but obviously a very responsible child...too responsible for her age. Reminds me of images of children laboring in factories and fields. Uncomfortable to see this. It's a lucky day for me. She is opening the "origination door." This is the earliest mind program. The program that started the need to please. The door is very heavy and I offer to help. "No, I can do it," she says. I find mySelf crying. She's so independent for someone so young...or is she? Sensing this is another part of the mind program. "I must pretend to be strong so I can take care of everyone and every thing."
I push the door open with her. Never again will she be expected to do these things....never again. We find ourSelves in the living area of our house. Our mother is lying on a chaise meant for the garden, making the scene even more imbalanced. Garden furniture belongs in the garden, not in the living room. Mothers don't do these things. Symbols of chaos despite the quietness. Is mother dying? In the eyes of the child, the mother symbol is already dead. The mother is severely depressed following the untimely death of the father. The mother is very angry, but holds it in place below the depression. The father died on the child's birthday and the child is held hostage in the mother's memory bank, as the two are linked together for life.
The child's job is defined by the mother. "Mother is sick and so, be a good girl and keep mother happy. Can you do that?" Of course, I know the child's reply. I've lived it.
Lesson Plan...No apples must fall from the cart. If the apples are kept steady, then things will be better. Always tend to the cart first before doing anything for yourSelf, for the mother is the most important person. If the mother is upset, she will also die and the child will be responsible. The child will become an expert at caring for the cart and all apples will be her responsibility.
I kiss the mother good-bye and take possession of the cart....flipping it over and watching the apples roll this way and that way. The child is frightened, but as laughter fills the image, the child begins to smile. Falling apples are not the end of the world...
----------------------------------------
Oh, these darn "apple carts."
As I wander around my life areas, the carts seem to be strewn all over the place. I'm stunned to even find them in my Adult or Teacher Self area. What is this telling me? Of course I know without even asking my Journal. I'm a born pleaser. Even in areas where I excel, I'm so careful not to upset others. In fact, this has matured into a skill of mine. Yes, I'm an expert at not upsetting others.
How do I do this?
By "super-policing" ...noticing early indicators upset in others....perhaps even before they do. I remember someone telling me that I would make a wonderful "English butler." Taking care of everyone's needs, real or imagined, even before the need was born. Obviously, this is a very wearing job and not a healthy one.
The rationale in my conditioned mind goes like this. " IF all needs of others are met, then there will be no interruption in whatever it is that I want to do for myself." And..."if all apple carts are kept upright, then no time needs to be spent picking up the spilled apples." Obviously, this is a very wearing job and not a healthy one.
Question. How to resign from my "English butler" duties and what about those apples that will inevitably spill because there is no butler? Who will keep the carts steady or be responsible for picking up the apples?
Answer. "No one."
As for resigning, consider it done. No one can Journal in this area and not resign. It's a given. This is the power of Inner Hypnotic Journaling. Uncovering a block or unwanted behavior or habit, then releasing it. While you may find yourSelf missing your butler uniform, notice that it is no longer "fitting."
"OK, but what about the apples?" Another indication that it's tough to let go.
"Let the apples roll where they may. You will soon come to realize that the large majority of them don't belong to you." Oh, my control issue appears. The part of me that wants to own and rule all the apples. If I take ownership, then my life will be easier. Another ridiculous story of my conditioned mind. My tired body and mind speak out. "All this apple tending is exhausting. It would be a huge relief to just let go."
All of this looks good on paper, but what about in real life. Questioning if I would really be able to just look the other way when the apples fall and roll. Will I feel guilty? I'm so used to caring for everyone and every thing.
Obviously my desire to control is not going to go quietly into the night. This is such a huge conditioned habit, one that can be traced back to early childhood. "Keep Mommy happy and you will be happy," goes the story. "Upset Mommy and life will be hell for everyone and you will be the cause." Early apple cart training.
Early stories are often very potent and best cared for in deeper trance, so I choose to go there. When the childSelf makes her appearance on the pages of my Journal, this is an indication that a deep release is possible. When she hides, then things are more difficult, so riding my breath now....going deeper down with ease, as if she is helping me to get there quickly.
She's waiting for me as I disembark from my traveling breath. A bit scruffy, but obviously a very responsible child...too responsible for her age. Reminds me of images of children laboring in factories and fields. Uncomfortable to see this. It's a lucky day for me. She is opening the "origination door." This is the earliest mind program. The program that started the need to please. The door is very heavy and I offer to help. "No, I can do it," she says. I find mySelf crying. She's so independent for someone so young...or is she? Sensing this is another part of the mind program. "I must pretend to be strong so I can take care of everyone and every thing."
I push the door open with her. Never again will she be expected to do these things....never again. We find ourSelves in the living area of our house. Our mother is lying on a chaise meant for the garden, making the scene even more imbalanced. Garden furniture belongs in the garden, not in the living room. Mothers don't do these things. Symbols of chaos despite the quietness. Is mother dying? In the eyes of the child, the mother symbol is already dead. The mother is severely depressed following the untimely death of the father. The mother is very angry, but holds it in place below the depression. The father died on the child's birthday and the child is held hostage in the mother's memory bank, as the two are linked together for life.
The child's job is defined by the mother. "Mother is sick and so, be a good girl and keep mother happy. Can you do that?" Of course, I know the child's reply. I've lived it.
Lesson Plan...No apples must fall from the cart. If the apples are kept steady, then things will be better. Always tend to the cart first before doing anything for yourSelf, for the mother is the most important person. If the mother is upset, she will also die and the child will be responsible. The child will become an expert at caring for the cart and all apples will be her responsibility.
I kiss the mother good-bye and take possession of the cart....flipping it over and watching the apples roll this way and that way. The child is frightened, but as laughter fills the image, the child begins to smile. Falling apples are not the end of the world...
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Stepping Out of Procrastination
Stepping into change is often difficult, or so we would like to believe. Most of us tend to repeat "trying" and often deciding that the areas in which we seek change are simply unattainable. Why this inability to change such important behaviors that threaten our health? The keys below may open some doors for you. It's time to move past old failure patterns and onto the path pointing towards Optimum Health.
KEY: I
If you want to change, you must begin to think differently. It's not enough to daydream a resolution. The road to permanent lifestyle change takes time and a special kind of planning and execution. Pre-resolution work includes having a solid look at past failures and locating facets of the resolution that need revamping. The willingness to observe and work with past failures is key to success. In addition, it's time to grow-up, wake up to truth and move out of unrealistic expectations.
Meet Sue, a successful, but burned out executive who brought her resolution daydream to my practice. "If I lose weight, my life will balance. I'll be completely happy and never complain again! However, I've never been able to lose weight and keep it off and so I guess I need some magic! Perhaps I shouldn't do this before the holidays or while I have so much stress in my life." It's easy to see that Sue is already lost in mind confusion. She has no plan and has even programmed herself for failure before beginning.
KEY: II
Sue looks for magic, but magic has no place here. Heightened awareness is the route to success. The idea of magic erodes her personal power. Her mode of travel needs change, as well as her power of observation. She needs to train her mind to notice the unfolding moments of her day, what works and what doesn't. These are small resolution facets including thoughts emotions and actions. As they are brought to awareness, stress is released and the facets are ready for editing change. These then become new mind etchings, the beginning of new patterns, that will enhance Sue's ability to succeed.
KEY: III
It is imperative to uncover the auto-pilot programs. This is a matter of becoming expert at self-observation. As Sue learns to pay attention to her body communications, emotional patterns and built in resistance, she will spot these, as well as other pattern facets that may have gone un-noticed for years. Once spotted, she can work to reprogram these with those that benefit the resolution. On auto-pilot, Sue is out of her personal editing-game. Her heightened awareness is blocked and she can't spot the facets. She is blinded and may trip instead of skip on the stones that line her path. The chances that she will fall and not get up are very high. She might appear next year with her weight loss resolution, but this time more heavily etched for failure.
KEY: IV
The practice of heightened awareness, also known as mindfulness is vital to both stress management and achievement. Adding Interactive Self-Hypnosis helps to position images that assist the mind in waking up in specific moments. As Sue learns to apply this practice to the facets of her resolution, she will notice that she is awakened to other moments that have connections she might have missed, especially stress-related ones.
The actual practice tools are very simple, their power sitting in this simplicity. Sue learns to purposefully experience inner stillness, fractionated throughout her day. She comes to know stillness as separate from mind chatter. As her mind wanders, Sue brings her attention back to the sensation of stillness or the goal at hand. She comes to understand that her thoughts are mind programs that are presented by her emotions and as she isolates these she can examine the contents further, simply by request to her subconscious librarian. As Sue goes throughout her day, she begins to notice the playing of thoughts and emotions as they apply to her resolution facets. As she contains these in her consciousness, she is free to edit, as they were caught in a mindful moment.
It's important to know that there are many health benefits to this practice of awareness coupled with interactive self-hypnosis. When thoughts are predominating the awake state, the brain waves are going very fast, producing a large quantity of stress chemicals. These chemicals are responsible for making important changes in the body, often disrupting important systems, such as blood pressure, heart rate, metabolism, blood sugar levels, gastro-intestinal functioning including digestion, endocrine function and that of the neurological system. During the practice of fractionated stillness, the brain waves and stress hormone productions slow down, bringing homeostasis or balance back to the body and mind. The mind is now free for the programming of healthy active imagery.
Sue is learning to wake-up to her emotional and thoughts that make her life patterns and resolution facets. As she works to couple awareness with "Interactive-Editing Imagery" she removes herself from her failure mode and utilizes this moment to transition to one of success.
KEY: I
If you want to change, you must begin to think differently. It's not enough to daydream a resolution. The road to permanent lifestyle change takes time and a special kind of planning and execution. Pre-resolution work includes having a solid look at past failures and locating facets of the resolution that need revamping. The willingness to observe and work with past failures is key to success. In addition, it's time to grow-up, wake up to truth and move out of unrealistic expectations.
Meet Sue, a successful, but burned out executive who brought her resolution daydream to my practice. "If I lose weight, my life will balance. I'll be completely happy and never complain again! However, I've never been able to lose weight and keep it off and so I guess I need some magic! Perhaps I shouldn't do this before the holidays or while I have so much stress in my life." It's easy to see that Sue is already lost in mind confusion. She has no plan and has even programmed herself for failure before beginning.
KEY: II
Sue looks for magic, but magic has no place here. Heightened awareness is the route to success. The idea of magic erodes her personal power. Her mode of travel needs change, as well as her power of observation. She needs to train her mind to notice the unfolding moments of her day, what works and what doesn't. These are small resolution facets including thoughts emotions and actions. As they are brought to awareness, stress is released and the facets are ready for editing change. These then become new mind etchings, the beginning of new patterns, that will enhance Sue's ability to succeed.
KEY: III
It is imperative to uncover the auto-pilot programs. This is a matter of becoming expert at self-observation. As Sue learns to pay attention to her body communications, emotional patterns and built in resistance, she will spot these, as well as other pattern facets that may have gone un-noticed for years. Once spotted, she can work to reprogram these with those that benefit the resolution. On auto-pilot, Sue is out of her personal editing-game. Her heightened awareness is blocked and she can't spot the facets. She is blinded and may trip instead of skip on the stones that line her path. The chances that she will fall and not get up are very high. She might appear next year with her weight loss resolution, but this time more heavily etched for failure.
KEY: IV
The practice of heightened awareness, also known as mindfulness is vital to both stress management and achievement. Adding Interactive Self-Hypnosis helps to position images that assist the mind in waking up in specific moments. As Sue learns to apply this practice to the facets of her resolution, she will notice that she is awakened to other moments that have connections she might have missed, especially stress-related ones.
The actual practice tools are very simple, their power sitting in this simplicity. Sue learns to purposefully experience inner stillness, fractionated throughout her day. She comes to know stillness as separate from mind chatter. As her mind wanders, Sue brings her attention back to the sensation of stillness or the goal at hand. She comes to understand that her thoughts are mind programs that are presented by her emotions and as she isolates these she can examine the contents further, simply by request to her subconscious librarian. As Sue goes throughout her day, she begins to notice the playing of thoughts and emotions as they apply to her resolution facets. As she contains these in her consciousness, she is free to edit, as they were caught in a mindful moment.
It's important to know that there are many health benefits to this practice of awareness coupled with interactive self-hypnosis. When thoughts are predominating the awake state, the brain waves are going very fast, producing a large quantity of stress chemicals. These chemicals are responsible for making important changes in the body, often disrupting important systems, such as blood pressure, heart rate, metabolism, blood sugar levels, gastro-intestinal functioning including digestion, endocrine function and that of the neurological system. During the practice of fractionated stillness, the brain waves and stress hormone productions slow down, bringing homeostasis or balance back to the body and mind. The mind is now free for the programming of healthy active imagery.
Sue is learning to wake-up to her emotional and thoughts that make her life patterns and resolution facets. As she works to couple awareness with "Interactive-Editing Imagery" she removes herself from her failure mode and utilizes this moment to transition to one of success.
Self-Examining Eating Issues
Why do we have disorderly eating patterns and why is it so difficult to overcome these? I’ve worked with thousands of patients over the years, both in my office and online, most asking the same question. Some know the answers, but do not welcome them for it’s easier to stay in denial, to give permission to fail, so as to not face the truth and do the work involved. Lynn-Ellen, a high profile television writer, attended one of my workshops. Her food and beverage intake assessment made it easy to know why she was over-weight and I was surprised that she didn’t seem to know this. When I suggested some changes she became incredibly angry and went into a tirade about how stress-filled her days were and if this were the way, she certainly would have done it by now. Lynn-Ellen is an emotional eater who will need a very different approach in order to be successful at losing weight & staying healthy.
For the emotional eater, the idea of changing one’s eating habits can be very frightening and even simple or mild changes can be met with all sorts of procrastination devices. The level of creativity and emotional states enlisted to protect the self from even beginning to change can be quite something to observe. Food related thoughts can play out in the DVD of the mind throughout the day and especially when stress is high or when involved in triggering situations such as shopping, restaurants, social occasions and the workplace. Certain emotions have higher trigger value than others depending on the individual.
Some emotional eaters trigger when home alone or in the middle of the night, even keeping food hidden under the pillow or the bed to avoid bringing attention to a cupboard raid. Others eat in the car, hiding wrappings under the seat until they can dispose of them safely. The time of day can a full-blown binge, many occurring on the way home from work, a good time to release work stress before entering home-based stress. Compulsions can be intensely draining, attacking the emotional eater with real physical and/or emotional pain.
How does one begin to take control of such a complex situation and stay motivated long enough to build new habits? In my experience, I like to take the emotional eater into a nutritional self-discipline, working forward from there. It helps to know that practicing poor nutrition is not a small thing. It’s akin to digging a big dangerous hole while teetering on the edge. For most of us, there is no time to waste. The following steps are etched into the mind and traced over and over again.
The Physical Component
Lynn-Ellen needs to get to know her self and what her body needs. Each of us was born with genetic tendencies towards all sorts of things, including certain diseases. Genetics are wonderful wake-up tools because they guide us towards knowing what our body and mind needs in order to stay well over the course of our lifetime. Ignoring genetics is asking for trouble. The body and mind have specific needs in relation to food and beverage, as well as timings for having these. The body is a machine that needs to be taken care of in a very specific way. If this is ignored the mind will be headed for trouble as well. Everything is about getting this right.
The Emotional Component
Managing disorderly eating means being willing to look at many aspects of our personality, including the lessons of our early mentors, including parents, family members, siblings, teachers, friends and whoever handed us our belief system. Whether we are addicted or not, part of what ails us can be found in these lessons. Once we are willing to identify these and not shy away, we can learn to release them or at least part of them. Lynn-Ellen, like many of us, didn’t get the self-nurturing she needed as a child, or even later in life. Perhaps she weren’t allowed to express her emotions in a healthy manner. Maybe she didn’t learn to self-regulate or to set healthy boundaries for her self.
When these tools of self-management are not sufficiently developed or missing entirely, one tends to go to excess to manage the unresolved stress. Going to excess over and over again, etches the habit into the subconscious mind where it is ready answer to any stress chemical production.. It can certainly be frightening to be without one’s habit when stress appears.
The Higher Self Component
Each of us has a Higher Self. This part is mature, balanced & knowing. This part does not hide from the truth, no matter how painful. It embraces it, getting to know it intimately. The Higher Self understands that facing reality is the way to freedom from emotional eating. Connecting frequently through the practice of Interactive Self-Hypnosis or specially designed inner work allows one to self-examine & to manage the surrounding emotions. Lynn-Ellen is learning that managing her emotional eating is a journey in self-discovery & can be the catalyst for change throughout a good portion of her life.
2010 copyrighted. May not be reproduced without permission of author.
For the emotional eater, the idea of changing one’s eating habits can be very frightening and even simple or mild changes can be met with all sorts of procrastination devices. The level of creativity and emotional states enlisted to protect the self from even beginning to change can be quite something to observe. Food related thoughts can play out in the DVD of the mind throughout the day and especially when stress is high or when involved in triggering situations such as shopping, restaurants, social occasions and the workplace. Certain emotions have higher trigger value than others depending on the individual.
Some emotional eaters trigger when home alone or in the middle of the night, even keeping food hidden under the pillow or the bed to avoid bringing attention to a cupboard raid. Others eat in the car, hiding wrappings under the seat until they can dispose of them safely. The time of day can a full-blown binge, many occurring on the way home from work, a good time to release work stress before entering home-based stress. Compulsions can be intensely draining, attacking the emotional eater with real physical and/or emotional pain.
How does one begin to take control of such a complex situation and stay motivated long enough to build new habits? In my experience, I like to take the emotional eater into a nutritional self-discipline, working forward from there. It helps to know that practicing poor nutrition is not a small thing. It’s akin to digging a big dangerous hole while teetering on the edge. For most of us, there is no time to waste. The following steps are etched into the mind and traced over and over again.
The Physical Component
Lynn-Ellen needs to get to know her self and what her body needs. Each of us was born with genetic tendencies towards all sorts of things, including certain diseases. Genetics are wonderful wake-up tools because they guide us towards knowing what our body and mind needs in order to stay well over the course of our lifetime. Ignoring genetics is asking for trouble. The body and mind have specific needs in relation to food and beverage, as well as timings for having these. The body is a machine that needs to be taken care of in a very specific way. If this is ignored the mind will be headed for trouble as well. Everything is about getting this right.
The Emotional Component
Managing disorderly eating means being willing to look at many aspects of our personality, including the lessons of our early mentors, including parents, family members, siblings, teachers, friends and whoever handed us our belief system. Whether we are addicted or not, part of what ails us can be found in these lessons. Once we are willing to identify these and not shy away, we can learn to release them or at least part of them. Lynn-Ellen, like many of us, didn’t get the self-nurturing she needed as a child, or even later in life. Perhaps she weren’t allowed to express her emotions in a healthy manner. Maybe she didn’t learn to self-regulate or to set healthy boundaries for her self.
When these tools of self-management are not sufficiently developed or missing entirely, one tends to go to excess to manage the unresolved stress. Going to excess over and over again, etches the habit into the subconscious mind where it is ready answer to any stress chemical production.. It can certainly be frightening to be without one’s habit when stress appears.
The Higher Self Component
Each of us has a Higher Self. This part is mature, balanced & knowing. This part does not hide from the truth, no matter how painful. It embraces it, getting to know it intimately. The Higher Self understands that facing reality is the way to freedom from emotional eating. Connecting frequently through the practice of Interactive Self-Hypnosis or specially designed inner work allows one to self-examine & to manage the surrounding emotions. Lynn-Ellen is learning that managing her emotional eating is a journey in self-discovery & can be the catalyst for change throughout a good portion of her life.
2010 copyrighted. May not be reproduced without permission of author.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Releasing Old Drama
In this section of FaceBook University, we're working with my program, "Sugar...the Hidden Eating Disorder & How to Lick It." There is an additional workshop going on & that one is about "Interactive Self-Hypnosis." The workshops are free & open to all Fans of my Pages. Those links are on my FB Wall.
Releasing Old Stories & Drama
Coming out from behind the rock is easier for some than for others. A lot depends on your past & present level of drama, as well as your family emotional & medical history. If your early years contained lots of punishment, including criticism & humiliation, you tend to attach those to your daily life moments & to your addiction or eating issues. If your family practiced poor eating habits & there is a history of adult onset diabetes, circulatory & heart disease, along with other chronic conditions and/or addictions, including alcohol, drugs, nicotine or others, you may or may not have difficulty coming out of hiding because of the physiological & psychological reasons. You may have failed many times, not being able to manage your hunger levels, thinking something was wrong with you, but not knowing what. The mystery may keep you from trying something different.
Sometimes, people with eating issues feel shame, not only about themSelves, but about the habits of their families. I've met so many patients throughout the years who became "addicted" to not being like their family because they were so ashamed of the secrets that went on behind the walls. There is also the fear of not being loved or accepted if one were to change, especially in co-dependent relationships.
Food addiction, especially sugar & high glycemic carbohydrates have woven physiological & psychological components. This was the problem that I had & even though having the ability to be very disciplined in other areas, I was not able to break through this food-related addiction. I remember being so crazed by this that I felt like I should be institutionalized. Obviously, this was a very low moment for me, but the truth of the matter was that I simply could not understand why I couldn't stop some of the things I was doing. It was like some other being took over my body & I was just the observer.
The things we bring out from behind our rocks will all be different, but they will all be "old dramas & stories." Here's the moment of truth...we only two choices with what we bring out....we either choose to keep them & keep talking about them OR we choose to change. I'm sure that you know plenty of people who have chosen to keep their "old dramas & stories, perhaps even adding more fictionalized episodes to them." They talk about their weight, dieting, foods that haunt them, why they can't change, when they might be able to change if they could change, which, of course, as the drama/story goes, they cannot. Some of the stories go back decades & all set out to prove that they are imprisoned by these, keeping them victims. No one can save them. People have so many versions of old food stories that they could publish volumes.
One day, I think I was standing by the water cooler at work, I became aware of a tremendous tension in my body. In that moment, I decided that I had enough of listening to others & responding with my own competitive versions of "I'm a bigger victim than you are." That moment was almost like being stung by a bee. It came as a powerful THOUGHT, almost like a "mind-blast." You know the kind. I simply knew that I didn't want to hear another word about food issues & that I had to dig mySelf out of my own hole. There was only one shovel & I owned it.
Here are some truths. In addiction, or anything else for that matter, what you think is what you attract, so if I was continually "feeding" my mind with my food stories & those of others, I was making my issues worse. On that day I told my colleagues that I wouldn't be sharing in any of these conversations any longer & that while it didn't have anything to do with my respect for them & I certainly wasn't judging them, it just wasn't what I needed to be doing. Even though I said this in a kind way....goodness me! What a reaction this caused!! It was quite obvious that this "food thing" was a highly emotional topic & very personal. In that moment I felt alone & realized that I wouldn't be spending any more time at the water cooler.
I had another experience on an email discussion group. I sent a post suggesting that instead of repeating what we believed we couldn't do, that we should work on "writing new stories" & placing ourSelves inside of these, inviting our subconscious mind, Higher Self or Power or whatever one believes in, to help out & to turn in the direction of health. It didn't take long for an email to arrive in my mailbox dropping me from the group. What this told me was that people preferred staying behind the rock where it was safe, but of course, that is just an illusion & a dangerous one at that.
My own family wasn't especially intrigued with my ideas either. But at least they didn't drop me! From that day on the "old stories" were off the radar. As I began to walk a new road, I sensed a lot of fear in my family. I never suggested that they should change, but seeing me change was very threatening & I had to wear my "courage coat."
Now, as a Clinician & Educator, I do believe that we must face these old dramas & stories. Going further, we must take them apart & that is for several reasons. If we don't face them, then it is difficult, if not impossible to heal them. What's very interesting is that as we face them, open them & communicate with them, these very parts of the "old stories" will take us into the areas of healing that are often hidden from consciousness. This is why we utilize "interactive self-hypnosis." As you stick with me, we'll get into this type of specialized imagery.
But, for now...I'd like you to take some of your "old story books" that you brought from behind the rock & write down their titles. After you do that, find a place for them in the "library of your mind"....on a back shelf, where they can be made available for some work we can do later.
Here are some of mine. You could also call these your "beliefs."
"I'm Sugar Addicted"
"I'm a Carbohydrate Addict"
"I Don't Like Healthy Food"
"I'm Always Hungry So I Have to Eat"
"My Refrigerator Speaks My Name"
"I'm Lazy When It Comes to Cooking"
"Junk Food is My Best Friend"
"The Happy Binger"
"I Love My Secrets"
"I Love Cookies & There Are Never Enough"
"I'll Never Be At a Healthy Weight Until I Die"
"I Have No Will Power & I'm Stuck"
"I'm a Loser & That Has Nothing to do With Weight"
"I'm Not Good Enough"
"I Can Never Stop This & I Don't Want To"
ohh...there are so many more, but this is it for a start.
Copyright 2010 Elizabeth Bohorquez, RN, C.Ht
May not be reproduced without permission of the author.
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