Angelic Gift Sharing

INTERACTIVE AFFIRMATION -

I ACCEPT MY ANGELIC GIFTS..

Gifts often come from the least expected places.

No matter how you look at them, thoughts are gifts. They are like plants that live in a garden, many of them stimulated by old belief patterns. Cleaning them up means opening new creative places for planting new patterns that can form new, carefully crafted beliefs. Remember, many old negative belief patterns came from others. Now, you have the opportunity to design exactly what you want.

When involved in belief-designing keep an eye out for obstructions or resistance. These are nothing more than old, left-overs. If one presents itself, stay aware and breathe from your center. Relax into the moment. Tilt your eyes up slightly. Locate the mind screen. Place an image or think your newly designed goal right there. This is a direction to your subconscious or creative mine that you don't want the left-over, but the new design instead.

If you are following along, you have disposed of the old coats or beliefs. Now, children from your past are coming towards you with gift boxes. Locate a special place on your Path for greeting your past childSelves, perhaps outside your "workshop." They are out of hiding now, desiring to share their power with you. Even the very youngest, now that they have been unburdened, have power to share.

You may wonder how this could be, for they are seem so vulnerable. While that is true, they represent your earliest survivors. They came into this life with a strong soul and spirit. They came with two books. One for teaching and one for learning. Perhaps in the past they were blocked by negative energy or sharing from others who were in need of their own healing, but your past Selves have been freed now, and their gifts are being given back to you.

As the children arrive, breathe in deeply, sensing yourself deepening, perhaps counting slowly back from five to one. When "one" presents itself, you find a beautiful golden egg-shape surrounding you, like a comfortable capsule. This is your private space on the face of the earth. The air is pure and energizing. Breathe it in. Notice that you can view life going on outside of your "egg", but it doesn't enter your space. You can observe the different scenes that take place in your life.

The "actor you" is playing out, experiencing emotions, learning lessons, even teaching some, but that is all happening outside of the true You. Others who you recognize as partners, children, relationships, colleagues and the other "players" on the world stage from those you meet at work, in the market, on the roads, see on television or hear on the sound-waves are present outside of your private space. You are disassociated from them. From this position you are able to correspond in healthier ways than before.

The gifts are ready for opening. The children have returned to their gardens, for their work is completed now. You are in charge. They have been released and wait for any re-programming you might like to send their way in response to the gifts. You and you alone are responsible for your life. You are the writer, director and producer of your life course.
Sense this feeling now as it enters your body....take time with this experience for it is life-changing for most of us, especially if your past included co-dependent relationships. It's like.....you are truly home now.

The opening of the children's gifts is a form of life review, but only experienced through the positive nature of these gifts. The childSelves who delivered them were in their pure spiritual states. Depending on your belief system, you might think of these as Angelic gifts or gifts from your Highest part of yourSelf.

I suggest that you take your time as you open the gifts. For me, I like to open them just before going to sleep at night, or upon waking in the morning when the mind is in a hypnogogic or very slow brain wave state. You can choose which gifts you might like to open. Listen to your inner guidance for that part of you knows what you need.

The Biggest Gift Ever!

Clips from ThoughtWARE - 101 Mind Programs for Losing and Maintaining a Healthy Weight - soon to be published in EBook.

INTERACTIVE AFFIRMATION -

I ACCEPT COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MYSELF.

Becoming & staying self-responsible! A very big challenge. Giving up blaming and making excuses is absolutely necessary, not only for weight and health issues, but for everything. This is the biggest gift you can ever give yourself because it is the gift of "complete freedom." If you haven't felt this, then you have truly missed out.

Accepting a gift always means giving up something. In this instance, we give up the habit of blaming and making excuses. An image I use for myself is a "big, deep hole." I've been digging at this for as long as I can remember. What's interesting is that no one every stopped me. There came a time in my life when I began wondering "why didn't someone stop me?" In those moments, I never asked the most important question. "Why didn't I stop myself?"

If you have never asked yourself these questions, please do. A big gift box will open for you. Gifts are things we receive for moving into self-reliance, self-resilience and self-honesty. Then, self-image and self-esteem "self-correct." You take back your power and then you come to the fantastic realization that you are free to live your life. It is your life. This is a huge realization for those of us who are living or who have lived in co-dependent relationships. This is the moment of letting go, as well as disallowing anyone else to take over what is yours.

There are several powerful images that I utilize for myself and in my work with others. I'll share some of these with you, but let your own mind show you the way. After you relax deeply and enter the following visualizations, ask your own Higher Self to take over.

Relax deeply into the chair where you are sitting. If you are following along, take the journey down to the "workshop of your mind." I'm waiting there for you.
Before we go inside, let's go around back. Locate your deep excuse hole or any other image that represents the times when you didn't take responsibility for yourself. Everyone has one, so just go and find yours. Then, take whatever tools you need to fill it in or disassemble it. This is telling your subconscious mind that you do not want to follow these patterns any longer. Mind images, suggestions and directives are very powerful and work quickly.

There are two golden paths that lead off from the back garden of your "workshop." One goes to your past, the other leads to your future. We'll start off on your Past Path. The capital letters signify it's importance, so always think of it in this way. This is where your Power and Resilience live. Honor it.

I'm giving you some binoculars so you can look way down....way down to the beginning. There you will find your parents holding you on the day of your birth. Whenever I go to visit my "newly born Self", I'm amazed at the youth of my parents. It's in this moment that I deliver love, compassion and forgiveness to them. Perhaps you might like to do the same. It is a very freeing prayer or spiritual message.
Find yourself in front of your parents. Your "newly born Self" is being handed to you. Feel the weight in your arms. If the baby is wrapped in a blanket, undo it and hold your childSelf next to your heart. Press gently .... again ....and now sense your newborn Self entering your heart. Sense the emotion of love.... Sense the emotion surrounding responsibility.... Sense the emotion of the freedom and joy of having this for yourself.

No one owns you. There is no such thing as co-dependency. You have a very strong purpose now. Each day you will care for yourself in thousands of ways, including your behaviors, habits you choose to keep, foods and beverages you choose to share, emotions you choose to entertain, goal paths you choose to follow....all while carrying yourself in your own heart.

These are powerful images. On the surface this may sound like a game, but what you are doing while placing these living images is instructing your creative, subconscious mind to go forward on these very special "goal platforms." You are starting at the very beginning and in the next blog you will move up the Past Path, removing negative belief coats from your earlier children, teens, adults....right up to the present you. Then, you will be ready to enter your Future Path.

Affirmation Workshop - Opening Stressors

For those of you who are following along, please go and relax deeply into the moment. You already know how to do this. If you are new to my writing, scroll down for some further instructions. Once you are deeply relaxed, return to your "workshop" and pick up your "Book of Stressors." Notice how heavy it is. Also notice that it has a beautiful leather cover with your name embossed on the cover. Trace your name with your finger. You are you. This is your book. It is heavy. It is filled with value.


Your subconscious mind directs you to look at the table of contents. Here you find your stressors divided into different categories. This makes it easier for identification purposes. The more stressors or "buttons" you find, the better for you. Not only can you release the body from the production of stress chemicals caused by these, but you can also diminish the compulsion or obsession connected to the stressors. That's the part of you that actually calls the stressor to return for another performance. "Let's get mad, sad, out of control, play victim and a host of other roles you do so well."


Stress reactions are made by choice. Nothing is stressful on it's own. In addition, most stressors are pure mind fantasy....stories we have sold ourselves and then share with others. We each decide what we will be bothered, annoyed or frightened about, as well as the level that we choose to be effected. Each time we tell the story, either to ourselves or to someone else, the stressor button becomes more golden...more valuable in a negative sense.


So, now you know why it is so important to locate these. As you look at your "table of contents" many will jump into your mind. We have stress buttons in relation to specific people and experiences. Then, there are those more generalized. Think about things you don't like to do or particular behaviors you don't like in general. Tell yourself "all of the things you don't like, in other words, your life complaints." Be sure to look in the area having to do with yourself. These are often the most toxic. The things you don't like about yourself usually have huge stress buttons.


Some stressors will be hidden, often forced into hiding by toxic emotions, especially anger and fear. You may even hear yourself denying having a stressor or even stress in general. "I don't know why I binge at night. I have no stress in my life. My stress has nothing to do with my eating issues. I exercise. I meditate. I'm happily married, have perfect children and even my dog is a pure delight." The need to be right, being judgmental about yourself and others cause great stress to build in the mind and body. And, stress needs to be released. The body and mind need balance....this is called homeostasis.


Now, look to your stress-release mechanisms. These are usually addictive. Be sure to look beyond substances such as caffeine, food, sugars, beverages, alcohol, smoking and the usual ones. Look way beyond those....see if you can find addictive behaviors or emotions. Look beyond the usual behaviors that are more on the surface. Go down deep. They are often the most difficult to find and then to own. Any secrets? Dig them out and bring them to the light. They won't hurt you. Secrets cause pain when they are hidden, but not when they are opened to the light. Forgiveness and compassion comes with this lighting.


In the moment you become aware of the stressor, you can release it with your breath. The combination of awareness and breath will not only diminish the stressor, but will "open" it. Inside the stressor are "golden opportunities". They are buried deep inside, but will show themselves if you are diligent about staying aware and releasing.
Here's the action steps...

STRESS AWARE ------> BREATHE.........> BODY RELEASE ------> MIND RELEASE ------> GOLDEN OPPORTUNITIES SHOW THEMSELVES

You may be wondering, "What are golden opportunities?" These can be all sorts of treasures. Some things I've found inside my own stressors are keys to the triggers. Now that I have the keys, the triggers no longer work. I've also found great insight about myself and the origin of the stressors. Some were given to me "as gifts" from people I wanted to please and so I learned to imitate them. Others were things that people "sold" to me as good, or even great ideas, such as bingeing or hiding or lying. These are powerful awareness tools. I remember finding plans for stopping a particular stress reaction, one that could also be applied to other things.

So, be diligent! Get the job done! Have fun! Be grateful!

Shining the Awareness Flashlight

INTERACTIVE AFFIRMATION - I LIGHT UP MY LIFE!

The mind screen is one of our most powerful resources for it allows us to view what's going on in our moment to moment life without "being in it." We are the observers and not the participants. Certainly, one could argue, that we are doing whatever it is, but when we take the position of "observer", we hold the power for change. It's like being the writer/producer/director of a movie or play. The "director you" sits in the audience seats observing the scene on the stage. For that position it's easy to see the big picture and to make the changes that will make the production better. This is exactly what you are doing.

A powerful image in the awareness flashlight. It works in the same way as the theater in the mind. When you hold the light and point it at something, you are also the "observer." The name of the game is to bring everything to the light. Some aspects need greater introspection. For example, if you find yourself in the supermarket placing cookies or ice cream in your cart, you want to shine that flashlight on that scene. The observer wants to ask some very pertinent questions. "What's going on here? What were you thinking? What was the motivation? What emotions are present? How hot are those emotions? Who is in charge? Now...a very important question. What were you NOT thinking? What is missing from this scene?"

So, your actions are not just simple little meaningless things. Without stopping the action with the flashlight, you miss out on the most important information and it is this information that will bring you to a higher level of self-management.

Every moment holds the opportunity for getting better and better. I used to ask myself, "How well can I do my supermarket experience?" Another question, "What will my shopping cart look like when I get to the check-out? Will I need to make any corrections before I empty my cart? If so, how did those things get in my cart? What was happening in those moments?" Here's another opportunity to take out the flashlight. In other words, it's not over until it's over.

It's both interesting and powerful to pay attention to the workings of your mind. Look and listen. Your inner chat and mind images are your teachers. They show you your truth and then, give you the opportunity to "ask for the answers."

Let's go back to my supermarket experience and the questions I asked myself regarding the cookies and ice cream. That particular day my emotions were running "very hot." My emotional child was completely out of control, not wanting, but demanding a reward. The inner dialog went something like this. "You never give me anything. I work very hard and I deserve this. I want it. I want it. I want it. Give it to me. No? Well I'm taking it."

On this particular day I found myself with a pint of Haagen-Daz in each hand. My emotional childSelf relaxed. Then, I became aware of what had gone on. As I shined the flashlight, my emotional self tightened up. It was difficult to move my body and my hands refused to open so I could release the two containers of ice cream. Another woman was standing behind me, "Take as long as you like, " she smiled. "It's so difficult to make a choice." OH....yes, how right she was, but I made a choice right in that moment. I put the ice cream back on the shelf and took my screaming childSelf to the car. I moved the seat back and began to meditate. I needed to get to a place where I could ask the right questions because this was a very big teaching moment.

As I went deeper down into the place where my very best flashlight is located, I noticed an image of my emotional childSelf waiting for me. She was wearing a very big wristwatch. I asked her to show it to me, then asked her why she was wearing it. "It's the hurry up watch. The hurry-hurry-hurry-hurry watch."

Identifying stressors is not always what it seems on the surface. Some are buried very deeply, others are multiplied making them appear "normal", but they are not. The hurry-hurry watch is one of these. If you keep an eye out for people zooming around life, you don't have to look far for those wearing this time-piece.

Relax now...go to the Workshop of Your Mind...pick up the book called "stressors" & ask your subconscious to show you what's going on. Throughout your day your thoughts will register the answers to this question, so stay alert.

copyright 2010 Elizabeth Bohorquez RN, C.Ht
May not be reproduced without permission of author.

Compulsive Shake-Down

Some of my behaviors have changed over the past few days. I have no idea about why this has happened, except that perhaps my internal dialog and work with my Journal Master has actually re-programmed my mind in some way. As a therapist, I do know that when we bring something to the light, things change.

Last night I had a huge moment with one of my most prominent disorderly eating compulsions. I don't remember noticing this one while on the train ride, but of course, not everything was consciously present. While I'm very familiar with this compulsion, last night it was somewhat different, as if a big light was showing me details that I had missed before. The compulsion begins when the scene is set, and not a moment before. I have a special recliner in the guest room where there is a TV. This particular recliner had a past life in my hypnotherapy office, so it has some "relax energy" installed, or so my creative mind believes.

The scene begins to play out...around eleven I head for the recliner. No lights in the room. I'm alone in this part of the house. My husband is secured back in the bedroom reading. My subconscious mind childSelf reminds me that he never comes back out once he goes to there. She is obviously my accomplice.

( Behind the Scene Notes - the Self loves to be in this quiet & safe cocoon where she can put food it her mouth & feel the supreme joy. The joy actually begins at the moment of deciding what food to eat, actually tasting it in the mind, then fully succumbing to the idea of eating. The walk to the fridge, the preparation of the food, listening for footsteps, taking a bite on the way back to the safe cocoon. Then, lost in the eating, licking the fingers, then relaxing deeply when all has been accomplished. All is a part of the ritual. )

There is an acceleration of body sensations as my mind travels from the low conversation of the television program to what I would like to eat. The balanced part of my mind reminds me that I've brushed & flossed my teeth.

My childSelf couldn't care less. "You can do it again" she says with conviction. "After all, you will get to eat now & then you will sleep deeply."

My balanced Self counters, "you will wake up in the morning feeling sick."

The childSelf is now up for the battle, "oh, you will not. Only certain foods do that to you & you won't eat those."

( Behind the Scene Notes - the choosing of the food is very important. The mind reviews the cupboards & fridge, actually tasting them in the mind, then feeling what sort of response will follow. This includes the immediate gratification as well as the "after response." Questions as to the teeth issues, the morning after issues & if any level of sleep will be interrupted by the particular food. The Self is expert at this. Each part of the ritual makes it more powerful, not only in this moment, but in future moments. )

I don't have to eat much for the ritual to be effective. It's almost as if the ritual puts me to sleep, rather than the food. If I choose not to engage in the ritual the childSelf can threaten.

"You will not be able to go to sleep if you don't cooperate & eat. If you fall asleep, you will not stay asleep. Then, it will be TOO LATE to do anything about it."

Oh, my childSelf & this compulsive ritual is very intriguing. Just watching it with an open mind leads me to a better understanding of all of my compulsions. Tonight I decide not to entertain it at all. I don't silence or mute it, but let it play out as I observe it. It's worse than watching a horror movie in the middle of the night. My body is in very high response. I find this very interesting, but still don't move, relaxing into the meditation chair. My breath has changed as I defy it. "Go ahead" I tell it. "Show yourself to me."

The childSelf is furious. My body is almost leaving the chair now, but the Higher Part of Me places my fingers on my lower abdomen. "Deeper down...relaxing...breath opening." My Power is returning, but I feel the fragility of my Self. I know that I need to feel this because only then will I be capable to meet this in the future without the same disability, for indeed, my compulsions are disabilities. I am dis-able to stay in my Power.

I feel the exhaustion in my body & mind, but I fall asleep in the recliner. Another night has passed and I am de-programming myself from this very old compulsion. I sense my freedom...

Ten Fingers Riding

Sitting in my meditation chair, happy to be here. Life is such an on-going merry go round for me. I complain, yet I stay on the ride, holding on tightly to the horse's neck, watching the world outside of myself just sit there while I speed by, hardly able to breathe.

The truth is that I like this way of being, or do I? Is this just an idea I sell myself because I don't want to look at the way I run my life? This has been an ongoing question for many decades. Just writing that makes me wince. How can anyone be asking the same question for decades? What does that say about me?

My Journal Master jumps in. "Ignoring or the head in the sand technique is very popular."

"But," I insist, "is it really necessary to ask the question? Why can't I just accept that this is the way I am, that this is what I like, and just be done with it?"

Journal Master..."Here comes the train."

Yes, we are at the train station. There are two train tracks. One train goes back to the past, the other goes forward into the future. The only train in the station is the one that goes back, so I'm assuming there is a reason for not giving me a choice.

I get on the train, wondering how far we need to go back to find the origination of my compulsions and the secrets they hold. I'm surprised to find other passengers sitting in the first class car. There are my fingers with bandaids on some of the cuticles. I notice a group of eating issue compulsions including car eating, evening and night eating, junk shopping, the rep from fast food, and the most powerful binge and secret eating parts. Other compulsions sit on the left side of the car. These are old, many forgotten, but they are here anyway. The loudest one is my work compulsion who is debating her strengths with my need to be the winner Self.

I ask my Journal Master. "Why are they here?"

The answer, "Who knows better than them? Do you have a problem facing them?"

No, I don't. For many years I've invited them out of hiding, even sharing them with my patients. I always believed that it helped others to know that I truly understand the battles. So, if they need to be here for me, I'm comfortable with that.

The train starts and picks up speed, going way back, almost to the beginning. This surprises me because how young could I have possibly been when all of this started.

Journal Master..."We return to the beginning of pleasure, for that is the purpose of each individual in the train car. Feeling uncomfortable was not acceptable to the baby, so something was always given to sooth the complaining child. Look out the window and watch how this was accomplished by those in your family. So many people in attendance. The baby must not cry, squirm or show any sign of being uncomfortable. But, of course, after awhile pacifiers, bottles of milk, rocking and stroking were no longer available. So, what's a growing baby to do?

As you became older, you never wanted or were taught that it was OK to feel unpleasant emotions, nor how to diminish them. Something external was always needed. As stressors were added, more external devices needed to be located and made available. You had many teachers who helped you to find these things. You observed your friends, family members and the public. Teachers always abound. Then, there are others who join your group. No shortage of disorderly eaters, compulsive shoppers, alcoholics, drug addicts, or anything else. It feels good not to be alone. The world is full of addicts and enablers. So, even if you are physically alone, you are joined at the hip by the world's addicts."
I ask, "So, they all have a purpose and that purpose is noble even though it can hurt me?"

"Yes, the problem is not the compulsion or addiction, but the stress that it is asked to manage. While many of the compulsions are not healthy, that is not the issue. It's all about the developing and storing of the stress. Your release mechanisms haven't been healthy. You've been focusing on the wrong thing and that has caused the problems, for there will always be stress, just as the young baby demonstrated."

As we ride along the time-line certain areas light up, indicating high stress. Some areas are brighter than others. The baby's stress was simple, but high to the baby. The compulsions or addictions are getting off the train at different stops. I can notice the stress lights and also remember the particular things that were happening in my life at those times. Some are seminal events like death of my father and grandmother. Others are also bright, probably unnoticed by anyone but me for I didn't have an engaged mother or family. Things that might have been helped through balanced family relationships were not, leaving me to find some sort of external means of release. These then developed into habits or compulsive needs for letting go or relaxing. That's why the body tension becomes so huge and the need to engage with one of my train members becomes vital, for the release of stress is "vital." Stress can kill.

I look at those passengers that remain in the train as I come nearer to where I am now on my time line. Of course...most of the addictions or compulsions have gotten off. I'm left with the fingers and some vestiges of my disorderly eating, mostly secret in origin. I have less choice now, so the ones that are present appear to have worsened.

It's clear to me what must be done before heading for the future time-line train...

Ten Fingers Leading

My Journal Master greets me before I even sit down. I'm under the impression that something very important is going to be shared today. I have mixed emotions, both excited and frightened because important things mean that something is going to change. It has to. I cannot be made aware and not change. Just knowing something means that a door has been opened and that whatever is behind it is no longer hidden.

I remember that the "talking fingers" told me that they would show me how they are connected to my eating and other compulsive issues. I'm worried that this connection may make it impossible for me to manage any of them, because when things are too big, then they are unmanageable.

"Just stop. You are already planning to fail. And, you know very well that when you plan to fail, that's just what you'll will do, then blaming it on whatever is convenient."

Having an active Journal Master is like living with one's coach. I can't get away with anything, not even a thought or some jotting on a piece of paper.

"Why would you want to get away with anything? I would have thought that you were past that childish behavior? So, I say to you, "grow up and get on with it. It's time to leave the pram and get on with your life issues. If not now, when?"

Yes, something important is going to happen today. My ten fingers are stretched out before me. Goodness, I'd better not tell anyone that I'm having an ongoing conversation with my fingers! But, then again, why not? Body parts are living and they don't get to make choices on their own. As I think this through, what finger would actually ask another finger to pick it's cuticle or pull off it's nail that it took so much time to grow? So, this has nothing to do with the fingers. They are the victims in all of this and I do want to know what they know, because they are in touch with other parts of "me" that are doing this to them. Oh...now they are making sense. That in itself is a bit frightening to me. I'm thinking that if they can talk to me, what about my other parts? Does my stomach have something to say about the food I ate yesterday?

One finger has been designated the spokesperson. It's number #3, the one I've picked on for years. I'm embarrassed to face this particular finger, for I have no idea why #3 has been my finger of choice. I'm actually surprised that it speaks to me in a kind, compassionate voice. If someone had picked on me for years, I would hardly be willingly to be helpful.

#3 speaks..."There is always a benefit for a behavior. Habits are simply repeated behaviors, but always having a benefit. You know that you don't pick continuously. In fact there are years when you never picked. Remember? If you look back, in those years your "use of compulsive behaviors" was almost nil. While you have a history or arsenal of compulsions to choose from, you only use them when you need them. If you look back over different segments of your life, your time-line, match up your highest use of compulsions with what was happening during those times. Then you can enter those areas hypnotically and gather important information that will allow you to re-program the history of compulsion use."

I ask #3, "If something has past, how can it be re-programmed?"

My Journal Master steps in. "Everything, past, present or future can be programmed or re-programmed. That's the way the subconscious mind works. Think of it as an editing process. You write a book. The words are there. Then, you go back and change the words. The book is changed or edited. When you read the book, you read the edited version. Your reactions are based on that version. It's the same with other mind programs. While many of your compulsive programs are heavily etched in your subconscious mind, you can still re-edit them. It may take a bit more time, but it is possible. Remember, first you must locate what you choose to re-edit. In the past you didn't do that, but used a strong discipline. While you are a good disciplinarian, that is not the best way to change because you falter when stress rises and the going gets tough."

I begin to think now. It would be best to meditate on all of this. Once relaxed, I'm going to travel my time-line, looking for the high compulsion areas and the connected life experiences. I'd like to gather these before entering the areas. Somehow I believe that will be easier. Perhaps then, one will heal another more quickly. Yes, this seems to be the right choice. I know this because my body and breath change with the arrival of the idea.

I thank #3 and the other seven. I'm going to my meditation chair now.

Forgiving Mother

I thought about organizing the meeting with my mother and the children I found at the cemetery. I designed a sign-up sheet, thinking this would be an easy way to bring the children forward. The images that played in my mind weren't all that uncomfortable which actually surprise me. I thought it would be more frightening than this for those parts of me. Then, I've come to realize that there are less children signed up for the meeting than the number who were at the cemetery. No teen child signed up. Not one.

Now, I realize that these were difficult years, but my mother died over a decade ago. Could there still be so much resentment that those parts won't even meet with a deceased soul? How did they get like that? I honestly don't remember any incident other than the one that happened in my adult years that was never smoothed over.

"Smoothing over doesn't mean forgiveness or the return of pure love." My Journal Master again. That's the thing with self-hypnotic journaling. I never know when the Therapeutic part of me is going to jump in with some point of departure. "Who did the smoothing?" Several children step forward. I'm surprised that they are young. I wouldn't have thought they knew enough to smooth over any sort of disagreement.

"We smoothed." How innocent looking they are. I'm sad to know they had to do this. "She wouldn't talk to us until we smoothed." I have a pain in my chest. Wondering if I'm having a heart attack. I think I'll go get a glass of water.

Back now. No heart attack, but certainly an attack of the heart. It's the sadness and grieving for the little girls who are so lost and lonely. Yes, I remember my mother not speaking to them, but I had forgotten how many of them were abused in this way. No wonder the pain is so great. Emotional abuse can be extremely painful, worsened by coming unexpectedly. The day goes on in a normal fashion and then "bang." A problem arises and the mother shuts down. The child is left abandoned in her own mind and life. The grief is huge. Does the mother realize this? I wish I could climb inside my mother and find out why she did this and if she had any idea as to what her child was suffering.

"It wouldn't help." That's the Journal Master. "Of course she knew, but she was fighting her own demons and didn't have the skills to help herself. Her behaviors brought her more guilt, but like an addict, she couldn't stop, nor admit her failures." The work you are doing here is about your children, helping them to heal and to come out the other side of the woods as healthier adults. You are now the mature, mother-figure to your inner children. So, shall we continue?"

I post a memo telling all of the children that I expect them to attend. They are coming with me, and I'm in charge. I will be speaking directly to the mother, but they need to be there in order to heal. I will not be attacking the mother, but opening my heart, giving her a reason to open her own and all children will open their hearts as well.

I also send out a memo to all teens and young adults, telling them the same. They are no longer in charge, nor will they be asked to do anything, other than to be present. All grown adults will also be present. In short, everyone will attend. Attendance will be 100%. We've spent long enough in the victim, retaliation state and it's time to heal and move forward. I know the mother wants this as well. I can sense it deep in my gut. It's as if she is here with me, looking forward to having all of this over with forever.

The children arrive first, followed by the teens, young adults and older adults. They sit in the seats provided. I'm in the front of the room with a screen for images ready to go. I start by putting up photos of my mother's birth. There are my grandparents and her siblings. She was a middle child, so not all of my aunts and uncle are present, but I'm surprised at how young everyone looks. Of course, my mother is a tiny baby. My children are invited up to the screen where they can reach him and touch her, but very gently. She smiles with the attention. The picture changes to a time when my mother was a toddler, then a young school child. My children can now ask her questions. The dialog goes back and forth. Everyone is comfortable. Next, comes my mother's teen years. My teens are interested in her now....lots of questions back and forth.

My mother married young, as did I. My young married self is surprised at how young my mother is and shares some stories with her, as well as feelings/emotions. They have much in common. Next comes photos of my mother giving birth to my brothers who were close in age. My young adult talks to her, surprised to learn how frightened she was and the difficulties she shared with my grandmother who didn't speak English. She felt inadequate and had little understanding of being a mother. All of us could feel compassion for her.

Next came my mother's desire to have another child, a girl and then I was born. I didn't realize this, but my mother had an early menopause making her emotions every more difficult to manage. She had two young sons, a baby daughter, a husband who was rarely home in the evenings due to his work and so her insecurities soared. The baby needed to be still, and so I was. The mother was not ready to cope with this part of her life and there was no one to explain what was happening. While I had my children at an earlier age, I could feel my mother's discontent and could send her compassion. I also know that I was far from being a perfect mother, hoping that my children would find it in their hearts to forgive me. My inner children finding interest in the older components of themselves. All being one in the same.

I scoop everyone up in my arms and tell my mother. This is who I am. While I know you are my mother, I don't know you completely, but I do love you. As a whole, we love you and thank you for all you have done for us. You were a human being, with faults just like all of us. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive us, and in so doing we all forgive you, for we are one in the same.

I sit still now. My insides are vibrating. I don't know why this is, but I figure I won't vibrate forever. Soon I'll stand up and go on with my life, happy to put this on a lower shelf in my mind.

Ten Fingers Teaching

About the shadow bag...

I really don't have to open it in order to manage your compulsive issues, but I may choose to have a look some other time. There are useful things in there, things that can help me in many parts of my life even though they are heavy. The good news is that I don't have to pull it around. I can just leave it by the side of the path. No one is going to bother it, and then I'll come back when I feel like it and begin to empty it out.

I've been working with my ten fingers. They suggested that I give them some self-hypnotic guidelines.... a new ritual of sorts. There are things they simply aren't allowed to do and other things that they can do. The creative part of me finds this somewhat amusing.

My Journal Master has joined the meeting I'm having with my ten fingers. It's suggested that I learn more about my life-long habit, for it is an opportunity for me to get to know myself better. I'm interested in knowing more about this. Even though I've had this habit since childhood, each time I do it "it is different." This blows my mind. I've always believed that the same habit has continued, but now I realize that's not true. The biting/picking that I did at age 7 or 12 or 30 were all different from anything I did yesterday or today.

I often have no recollection of ever starting or stopping my nail picking action. So will it really be possible for me to stop? What's even more upsetting, is that often I don't want to stop and I can inflict heavy damage to my fingers without even feeling the pain.

One finger has been designated as the "speaker." Her name is #3. I'm rather embarrassed that she was chosen because she's my most favorite finger to pick on. I come to find out that she is very knowledgeable. I apologize to her before she speaks, thanking her for sharing her insights.

"Because your pain sensors are dulled by the negative hypnotic trance of the habit, it can be quite amazing how much pain needs to be inflicted before you wake up to it. This particular facet of nail biting and skin picking makes it very different from other pain-causing, self-destructive habits such as pinching or cutting. You may awaken at the sign of blood or when you have reached a certain level of destruction, often programmed into your own subconscious mind. Once the awakening occurs, the pain can then be felt and you may find yourself focusing on this, then choosing to stop the destruction. It's interesting to note that you may or may not stop automatically when this specific level of destruction or pain occurs. It's as if the mind has it's own rules about this, and in a way it does.

Let's explore this a bit further. The subconscious mind appears to have an internal censor that determines how much destruction will be acceptable. You will unconsciously go to this acceptable level and then stop. Sometimes that level is set quite high and so the damage might be quite extensive. I think this is what is happening to you now, especially in relation to me....#3. You might also have an inner mind program with a lower acceptable level, providing less damage, but still disallowing yourself to be completely free of the habit. I know you are aware of this. It's like living with a teasing monster. You may think you have finished, but for some reason you can never achieve the "perfect ten." This in itself is a terrible self-punishment. The habit becomes a controlling force within your personality, often working to destroy your self-image and self-esteem.

Let's work with self-hypnosis...

Get to the mind screen through the usual route. Image or simply think yourself biting or picking. Don't turn away. This is simply in front of you and it is very important to look and observe. Notice there is a number up in the right hand corner with a dial sitting right next to it. The number corresponds to when your subconscious mind agrees to wake you up to what you are doing. You might also notice that the level of self-destruction is also indicated. Play with the dial, first turning it way up and then way down. There is a number that indicates less damage, but still allowing biting or picking. Obviously the behavior will be less than the higher numbers that are connected to the more severe damage. Find that number, observing the image. There is also the digit called zero, indicating no biting, no picking and therefore, no damage.

I'd like you to program the first number, the one that wakes you up earlier, the one with less damage, but still allowing the biting or picking. This is an excellent place to begin because it is here that you will begin to build your awareness. Noticing your image, allow it to relax deeper into the moment. Change your breathing...change the pace of the movement...if the fingers are in your mouth, remove them gently, placing them on your relaxed abdomen that is going slowly up and down. Allow your fingers to ride the abdomen, just as if they were sitting on a merry-go-round horse. If the you in the image is picking cuticles, or other areas, gently bring the fingers to the merry-go-round horse.

ACTIVE AFFIRMATION: Please plant this in the way that you already know.

I am in charge of my subconscious mind dial. I decide the level of activity between my fingers and other parts of my body.

We'll meet again later and I'll show you how we are connected to your eating and other issues...

Ten Fingers Talking

It's the right time to begin now. I spent some time yesterday doing some simple meditations. Not long ones...just five minutes or so, woven throughout my day. I've come to realize that I haven't been "fractionating" lately. I really need this meditative approach because I'm truly an A-type personality or a "high-wire act." I've always been like this, and while this could be called a compulsion, I prefer not to look at it in this light. To me, anything can become a compulsion when my "spiritual centered self" is not in charge, but instead, the actual compulsion demands to be. This means that I can eat and enjoy chocolate when my centered self agrees, but when my compulsive self pushes that part out of the way, shoving all the chocolate she wants into her mouth in order to quell the body and mind tension, well then, that's the compulsive act.

I'm ready now to enter my cuticle picking compulsive area now. It's not pretty...but it does need to be faced and "house-keeping" needs to be done.

Entering my first deep meditation and then going off into special active imagery designed especially for my compulsive areas. I've noticed that my mind has directed me to turn around and look at what I'm dragging.....it's my shadow bag. The bag is quite big and heavy. No wonder I'm so weary from all of this. Sometimes, like right now, I'm not even aware of what I'm dragging. I've just become so accustomed to it.
The bag has a rope that is tied in a knot. I read this as a "not." Do not open me. Be afraid of me. You don't want to see what's inside of me. I'll destroy you. I despise you. You are not worth of anything good. Go ahead...try me and then you'll know what it is to disappear."

Threats and more threats. No wonder I work so hard at my compulsions. If I keep busy enough, then I'll forget about the shadow bag with the "not." I won't have to look at it because it is behind me. What's behind me is less threatening, or so I believe. Of course, this isn't true. Then, the compulsions can punish me because I deserve to be punished. Why should I expect good things? I actually don't have time for anything good because I'm too busy pulling my shadow around. I've convinced myself over the years that I can enjoy the punishments. Over-eating? Bingeing? Compulsive shopping? Enjoying the moment of the "fix." Loving the ritual of the fix. Thinking about it....planning it...all the details....all parts giving me a "fix of sorts." Then, there is the satisfaction right after the fix. That's separate from the ultimate moment of being in the fix.

I want to ask some questions of the cuticle picking compulsion. May I do that now? I believe I'm in the right place. This is something I started around the age of seven. It was very displeasing to my mother and I became an expert at hiding this, but I don't believe that is the crux. My mother is dead and I still return to this when I'm highly stressed. While I don't like doing it, there is a very strong compulsion to do it.

The compulsion answers. "Look for the purpose, for there lives the answer. Notice when you do it, for you don't do it all day long. Actually, there are more moments when you don't do it than when you do it. Pay attention. There is a ritual around it. Open the ritual. Ask the questions to each part of the ritual. Take it apart. It's a puzzle that is willing to open to you now, for you have come to speak to it in a loving way."

I'm ready. Please sit down with me...ten fingers come forward.

I feel sad as I notice them. It's been rough for them over the past year. They tell me what it feels like to be "picked on." Oh...that metaphor tells me something. I've always felt "picked on" since early childhood. Constant picking, picking, picking. Always tense, expecting the picking from those around me, especially those holding the power. I feel myself shrinking down, just thinking about it. I'm very sad in this place.

The fingers show me some living images of when I do this. The ritual is lining up, nor presenting itself. But, I'm told to look at the "prodromals." These are things that come "before" the ritual. These are usually the same, therefore announcing themselves to the ritual, so the parade of the parts can begin. I'm noticing that the picking happens when I stop my "busy" behaviors. It's when I sit to rest. Similar to giving a baby a pacifier to settle it down so it can go to sleep. My fingers offer that to me...an activity to quell my tension. That's very clear now. After finishing dinner, etc., I sit in the same chair to watch the news. Then the fingers find each other. Pick, pick....relax, relax. Now I understand why I can enjoy this, for I'm not utilizing any other mechanism that offers this type of release. Now noticing how hard I can pick. Goodness...what is this about? The tension must be quite intense...interesting word - "in-tense"...inside the huge tension.

Now, what is to be done? Find a way to release that doesn't destroy. First, understand that you do not need to punish yourself. Yes, you need to break your hypnosis during the day, that auto-pilot place where you never take a break to release. Next, interrupt the pattern. Put your hands somewhere else. Hold something. Anything to break the auto-pattern or ritual.

I practice some ideas hypnotically....others come to mind. I see/sense myself free of this. My new programs are now being placed in my subconscious mind. The ten fingers relax as I look at them...

___________________________________

Compulsive Wasp Stings

My guilt eraser already has one flat end. It's amazing to me how much guilt, shame and fear has gone unnoticed throughout my life. Of course, I can spend time blaming others, but the majority of "guilt events" come through my own mouth and thought processes. Then, there are the events that are noticed, but are just let to stand, as if I were in charge of shooting myself down. The rifle range has been very busy.

It was suggested by my Journal Master that I visit some of my own circus rings, perhaps starting off with "the compulsive one over there." When I went looking for it, I didn't know which compulsive one my Journal Master was referring to...because there were so many. This in itself stunned me. Now, it's not that I'm not aware of my compulsive tendencies, but I only seem to think about the major ones, leaving the smaller to hide themselves away. What's interesting about compulsions, is that one fosters or supports the others. So, if I have hundreds, then each one is connected to the others by an under-ground root system, continually feeding and helping their counterparts to grow and become stronger.

Although I've journaled for decades, this time I had a very specific reason for taking my pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. My compulsions have been escalating for the past year or so, and I thought it would be beneficial to get inside or underneath them, helping to remove the core issues. Now I'm seeing that there are not three or four, but three or four hundred. This certainly isn't what I had in mind when I decided to do this. I feel like I've disturbed a wasp's nest. Now I'm getting stung at every turn.

My Journal Master jumps in, "So what do you plan to do?"

My response, "Shouldn't I be asking you that question?"

"Well, you can ask away, but remember that all questions revert back to you, rather like a boomerang. I thought you might enjoy simply taking responsibility right off the bat, instead of sending it to me first."

"Why do I feel like another wasp just took a bite out of my arm? It's rough being the only one to row the boat, but I'll take the challenge. I'm much stronger now than I was before, especially since I wrote the short novel. My protagonist was a real straight-shooter, able to turn situations around on a dime, so I guess I can do the same."

I've decided to enter one of my biggest, then find the tangents, follow them out and see where they lead. Then, with luck, I'll be able to disband some of the small ones, thereby lessening the electrical charge that they deliver to my bigger issue.

I'll use self-hypnosis to do this. My mind wants to visit all of them, but that's part of my compulsive behavior. I want to do everything, have everything, and to have it "right now." That's why my compulsions are so toxic. They all want to be first, arguing as they go.

There are four or five big ones and they are also "very old." I remember three of them starting early in childhood. Those have to do with skin picking/nail biting and compulsive/emotional/stress and secret eating. The third big one has to do with shopping or non-shopping. I can binge shop OR I can stay away from shopping for years on end. I'm not talking about food...but clothes, household items, etc. Then, there is the fourth one....always needing to stay busy, but not just regular busy...this type of busy is always about taking on huge projects, then having to finish them as the "winner." They are all super-exhausting in their own way. Small ones include needing some sort of noise going on, collecting different things including books, magazines, CD's, you name it. This is different from the shopping compulsion. It's very specific to self-development. In other words, needing to make myself better in some way. This says "I'm not good enough." Then there is the computer, Farmville ( LOL ), FB nonsense, even blogging. My writing can get very compulsive as well. It either goes in that direction or I don't write at all, just letting my projects pile up over there on my desk. I have a cleaning compulsion & since we decided to sell our home, I have a new compulsion to get rid of everything in site. It started off as simply "de-cluttering", but it's taken on a whole new look to the point that even my husband backs away from me when I'm locked in that state. I bring a bit of humor to this, but it truly isn't funny. The tension in my body makes that clear. In the past, I've touched on other addictions that also became compulsions. Most of those have finished, but the others have taken their space.

I'm still deciding which big to enter first. I do understand how they are all connected, or at least I think I do. However, when I think deeply about them, my mind refuses to cooperate, almost like dropping a veil over the compulsion and then moving me on to something else. That is happening right in this moment. I'm journaling, but my mind is traveling through a group of other compulsive areas, interrupting and causing me to procrastinate. My body is growing tense, my breathing is changing and I have a strong desire to eat something or pick my cuticles. This is how they keep me in turmoil and also how they keep their own strength building. If they keep me from "housekeeping", then they can stay more powerful. That is their game. So, I'll use self-hypnosis to get in and from there, I'll be able to take charge of certain things.

I'm running out of space, so this will be continued in my next blog. I have chosen to enter my cuticle picking compulsion for this is the one that bothers me most right now.

What's Fiction? What's Real?

Thanksgiving has come and gone. I finished my novel for "NaNoRiMo" and received my awards. Like a child, I savored them and sent them to everyone I know. I'm now thinking that I can post them here. Another pat on the head...

The novel ended in a way I didn't expect. Near to the end, it was like the novel was writing itself and I was just the observer. It was rather like the automatic journaling I'm doing here, only this was fiction.

My Journal Master jumps in, "What is fiction and what is real?"

Oh my goodness. That question comes in the first few paragraphs of my novel. Were you writing it???

"What do you think?"

Yes, I believe you did and I have a strong feeling that you put the speed bumps on my path so I would have to look carefully. I remember a moment when I wanted to give up the project. I questioned my reasoning in starting such a thing. After all, it wasn't something I really had to do. I'm a busy person, so why did I saddle myself with this strange project that had no purpose?

"No purpose? You believe it had no purpose? Better think again for everything has a purpose. Everything is given to teach a particular lesson. Look inward very carefully."

My husband asked me why I named the novel "The 5th Question." My answer to him, "I have no idea. It just appeared on the page as if someone else wrote it." Then I was left trying to figure out what the book was supposed to be about.

"So, what did you find out?"

I came to understand that my protagonist was looking for the truth, and in so doing she opened up a very dangerous Pandora's box with her questions. The message was that sometimes we think something is inconsequential, when in reality it can change everything that comes after it. This could come in the form of a question, a statement or even a choice of behavior. For my character, she asked a question that "broke the camel's back." She wasn't awake, she wasn't aware and she wasn't spending time "in the moment."

"What's the lesson?"

For me, it's to pay attention. Like most people, I tend to walk around in a fog that is supported by what I believe to be true. This is my fiction. Change involves staying awake, evaluating what I consider to be my own truth's or beliefs, plus being in the moment as much as possible. I've come to know that these are three different things. Being aware or being awake means that I can step back and see what's going on in the "circus of the world." Evaluating my own truth's means that I'm willing to look at them with fresh eyes. Being "in the moment" means that nothing is happening. The moment is pure and empty. This is a heightened creative state, one where I am nearest to my spiritual Self where I can go whenever I choose.

As I worked through the book, I came to see that everything is not as it seems. Other stories are going on, super-imposing themselves on the story of my main character, causing changes along the way. Since she is only connected to her own story, she is unable to see the big picture, actually putting her life in danger.

This has happened to me in my own life. I become so absorbed in my own story that I miss out on a great deal. I want to be able to change this. Any suggestions?

"Relax now. You may have noticed that I always ask you to relax when you ask an important question. Know to do this for yourself when it appears that we're not working together, because the truth is that we are always working together. When you are "in that place", open your eyes. Notice that you are "in the moment." There is nothing here, but everything is here, for this is the way of nothingness. Sense the peace. Feel it. Enhance it. Now sense the love. Feel it. Enhance it.

All stories are going on outside of your "nothingness place." These are like the rings in a circus. Some have to do with your story, but others are the stories of others. Look out, noticing the different circus rings. They go on for miles, for there are millions of stories going on at the same time. Like radio stations, you will have your favorites. Notice you can tune into them without getting inside of them. Practice this with one of your favorites. Notice you can listen on different levels. Practice tuning in on the emotional level. It's below the "this is what you see" level. Now, relax deeply...go back to your "nothingness", spend a moment, and choose another circus ring. Do the same. Float above it, below it, to the right and left, but always outside. Just "be". Live life as an observer.

You can also visit some of your own circus rings, for you have many. Observe...how about that compulsive one over there?

The Guilt Eraser

In the middle of the difficult emotional work I've been doing, I stopped to write a novel. This is very odd, because I don't write fiction. All of my work has always been non-fiction.

"Oh really"...goodness, my Journal Master is alive and well, not letting me get past one sentence before jumping on my page. My question to my Journal Master, "What's the matter, did you miss me?"

She replies, "I find it odd that you believe your work is all non-fiction, for your live is one big fictional tale." I feel like I've been stung by a bee. I never thought of my life as a piece of fiction. I find that rather insulting. I see myself as an honest person, and never would make up stories about what happened to me or my life experiences.

"Everything is a story, for everything has already past and is a remembrance, not a reality. You remember the parts you want to remember. The other parts are forgotten. You only see or feel things from your point of view, and not from the point of view of others, so this is your story. You tell it with the emphasis on the parts where you want to shine the light. If other people on the stage were given the light controls, they would shine it on something else. You tell your story so you are always right, never wrong, and even if you are willing to admit to something, you provide excuses, so no one, not even you, will feel poorly. Avoiding guilt at all costs. But do know, it doesn't really matter because everything that is past is fiction."

I answer. So, whenever I'm telling or even thinking of something that has already finished, in other words something from the past, even if it was remembering this mornings breakfast, are you telling me that this is fiction?

"Yes, it's not real. It's just a story and it's a story from your point of view. That doesn't make it bad, but it's very important that you come to understand this concept, because if you don't get it, then you will be bound up in your fiction, just like book pages are stuck in their binding."

Well, now I feel like defending books. What's wrong with pages being stuck in their bindings.?

My Journal Master gets cryptic on me. "The last time you looked in the mirror, did you see a human being or a book? I think you already know the answer to this. You're just defending an indefensible point of view. Time to get on to what's really important here. We don't have all day."

You may think I know the point of this whole conversation, but I really don't. My mind is loaded with thoughts, like the traffic in Times Square.

"Be still. Empty mind."

I follow the instructions and go to meditate for a bit. It's true. I'm feeling argumentative. I'm quite wound up from writing my short novel. The main character was a bit autobiographical, not in the story-line, but in her substance. Her husband arranged for her to be murdered. She has to come to terms with loving a man who was capable of wanting her dead. She's an investigative journalist, yet she couldn't see what was really going on in her own life. She was blinded by what she wanted to see and feel. Relax...let go. Breathe.

I come out on the other side. My character waves good-bye. She's delivered useful messages to me, but now I must go forward and use them to benefit myself. To be honest, I never thought that writing fiction could be self-therapeutic.

I now understand that I've been living most of my days in a fictional world. I've actually encouraged my child-selves to stay locked in the library of my mind, only reading past events from their point of view. Not only have I not corrected them, but I haven't explained to them why this isn't a good idea. Everything I've focused on, I've made bigger. So, I've been unfair to the memory of my mother, but living in guilt is not the way out of the library. Yes, I was brought up in a guilt-loaded environment, but now as an adult, I hold the key to the fresh air. I no longer need to breathe in what's unhealthy for me. I'm being given an affirmation now. I have no idea who gave it to me as I'm deep in meditation.

"Guilt is just a word that you can erase at any time." The eraser appears in my hand. I'll take it back with me.
My protagonist has appeared again. "I have things to tell you. Thanks for bringing me to life."

Little Girl Lost - Sorting Out Mother

As I continue my journaling, thoughts arise in my conscious mind. These are different from my every day thoughts. My dream states are also changing. The other night I dreamt of my mother. She was in a nursing home. Outside the home I had placed several valentine or "I love you" messages. She also appeared in several other dreams, either in person or in the dream theme. What's interesting is that my mother didn't speak in any of the dreams. She was simply a part of the storyline. I'm smiling as I write this. "Why would she speak in my dreams when she spoke so little when she was alive?"

My mother's game was to keep me guessing about what she was thinking or planned to do. When I was a child this caused me great anxiety. I became a policeman of sorts, always studying her facial expressions and other body language. I lived on "high alert." I'm sure this was a part of my anxiety symptoms, most of which were physical. I also learned not to speak out, especially if I had an opinion about something. "Who doesn't have an opinion?" My mouth and tongue were cemented shut.

As I matured, my fears were realized. There was no disagreeing with my mother. Life remained pleasant, almost fun....as long as there were no deep discussions, especially with a differing opinion. The rules of the game were clear. In my adult years my anger grew during visits home. It's odd for me to observe my memories. Each visit followed the same pattern. First, I couldn't wait to see her. ( my child? ) I could feel the trembling of excitement. The first day of the visit would go without a hitch, but then things would deteriorate on Day 2. My anxiety would kick in, along with my anger. As I repressed all of this, Day 3 had me jumping out of my pants. I would start counting the hours until we left for the airport.

I became free of my mother, or so I thought, two years before her death. I actively disagreed with her and all hell broke loose, not only with her, but with all of my repression. I remember it feeling like a floodgate had opened and someone else was in charge of the faucet. That person did not want to turn it off. It was not a good moment....or was it?

As I view my early children, the ones in the cemetery, it's obvious that problems still exist in their relationship with my mother. I thought these were tempered when the floodgates opened. These still seem to be buried deeply in my subconscious mind. I'm not even sure if I remember all of them, for each day in the lives of each child there was both physical and psychological pain. Clues are most likely in their memory boxes. There are certainly things I remember consciously, but for some reason even those still hinder the cemetery children.

My journal master steps forward. "Just remembering something doesn't heal it."

"Well then, what's to be done about these things? How can I heal the chronic depression IF the exposure or freeing of the memories doesn't help?"

I'm told that the children must come face to face with the mother and speak out. They will not go alone, but with me. They will be safe. After that, they will need to forgive her.

"Each child?" I'm not even sure how many of them there are.

"I suggest you invite a child from each five year period to represent that group. If more than one want to come forward, then that is fine. Sometimes there are children who have experienced things that were very toxic and they need a special hearing. You might have noticed that there were not many teens at the cemetery. Did you question why that was?"

Yes, I did notice that. When I thought about those years I came to the conclusion that during my teen years I was busy with other things. Perhaps I repressed memories or desire to know my father deeper down.

"Perhaps you need to meet with your teen-selves.  Remember, these were the years when they were developing relationships with boys. Did you consider that they had no role-model?"
"Yes, but I'll leave that for another day. There is much to do here and I'm feeling over-whelmed."

"Are you sure that you are not just looking to escape?"

Ohhhh....that hit home!

Little Girl Lost

I never thought I could be friends with my depression...

I'm learning not to back away from it, for I now understand that there is nothing to fear. Just the opposite. There is much to gain. I now know my depressive experiences hold major keys to both my mental and physical health. I'm showing the willingness to go below the surface. There are so many opportunities, each one separate from the other. That's a problem with labeling. We tend to believe it is one thing, when it really is more like a plate of spaghetti, each strand unto itself.

Yesterday I met up with my very young Self, taking her back into my heart. It was painful to see such a young child already detached and cowling. As we walk further along this path, the children present themselves. The ones younger than three, tend to be rather pensive. Some are sitting in a small rocking chair, but not responding to their surroundings, as if they're in a daydream. These children are congratulated for their silence, for this is what those in charge want. "My aunt told me that I'm able to sit and rock for hours without interrupting anyone. It's bad to bother others."

Elizabeth is busy learning how to be a good girl. She likes being "congratulated"...she interprets this as love. Of course, it is not.

The child learns that interrupting brings it's punishments and so this must be avoided at all costs. She's taken up nail biting and picking as a stress-releaser. It's easier to remain still when biting and picking. No one seems to care that she is engaged in a self-destructive act. Of course, this is just the beginning of her self-destruction. I know that. However, this is the first time I've connected these dots to my chronic depression.

I'm wondering, "Should I stop the child from doing this? If so, what would be the best way. I don't want to inflict further pain."

Journal Master..."This is how the child releases, and so it will be of greater value if she has less need to release. Let's go into this particular area and help the child to be free of whatever is bothering her. Perhaps she will tell you."

I must admit that I'm a bit nervous about approaching this part of me. Yes, she is quite young, but I feel her unhappy energy and it is very strong. Getting closer to her. How did she become so unhappy? I don't remember any abuse...

I'm told to introduce myself. Of course, how would she know who I am. As I approach her, she comes towards me, so I'm thinking that this is a good thing. She's not shy, just very sad. Noticing tear stains on her face. Her nails are well bitten. The ends of her fingers deformed from the constant picking. I take her little hands in mine, stroking them gently. Delivering love and concern. Despite being little, she seems to understand that I'm not here to criticize or punish her in any way. I find myself tracing the outlines of her little fingers, one after the other. I tell her that her fingers have names... I don't know where that idea came from, but it certainly has her attention.

"What are their names?"

10-9-8-7-6 on this hand. 5-4-3-2-1 on this hand.

"The names are silly. Do I have to call them by their names?"

No, but I'm sure you would like to take care of them, just as you take care of your dolls. I noticed that she has many dolls. I was going to say, "you would like to take care of them, just as your Mommy takes care of you", but those words didn't seem appropriate.

Why is that?

Of course. The Mother is a big issue for the little girl. She loves her, but the mother is distant and troubled with depression. Something rises inside of me. I recognize it as pure rage. Rage at the Mother for abandoning this very young child. The child is lost, and no one comes to find her. She is told to sit in the chair, rock and bother no one. The child is abandoned and lost, even though the adults are present. They know nothing of what is inside this little girl, things that can't get out and so the little girl must keep them hidden.

I hear my adult voice speaking to the child. "I want you to come and sit by me whenever you would like to do that. I'm always here for you. I'll help you to take care of your fingers, and then they won't hurt.

"They don't hurt."

Oh my. I look at the fingers again, swollen and infected. The child is so disassociated from them that she doesn't recognize the pain. To do so, would limit her only way to care for herself, for that is what the biting and picking is all about. She is caring for her pain.

I thank my depressed self for bringing me here. I know that this is where my eating issues begin and so, this is where they will begin to end.

Depression....my Friend?

"Make friends with your enemies and they will introduce you to yourself through a different set of eyeglasses."


I know this as truth. My darkest life experiences have been my most extraordinary teachers, but for some reason I've not approached my chronic depression in this way. No, that's not true. I've approached the experiences, but not the actual depressive emotion. I've never thought of them as two separate entities, but I can now understand that they are different.

It would be helpful to know what my "depressive self" knows, because heightened awareness or waking up is key to a higher level of recovery. I'm tired of just dealing with the depression when it surfaces. I never really know when that is going to happen, nor how long it's going to hang out. Usually it's at a very inconvenient time, not that there would be a good time for depression.

So, how do I make friends with it and what can it show me?

My Journal Master is not answering. Sometimes answers come immediately, even before my question is fully formulated and other times, it takes awhile. This used to confuse me, leaving me with the impression that the subconscious mind either didn't hear me or didn't want to reply or was making up some garbage to appease me. Experience taught me that none of this is true. I'm not sure why there is a delay, but I'm now confident that when a question is asked, the answer will be forthcoming. If there is a delay, I'm encouraged to spend more quiet or still time, giving space for the answer to birth itself. I'll do that now.

"You have to be ready and to have an accepting space for important information."

Oh...thank you.

So, after hearing that, I've decided to move away from my Journal and sit "for a spell" in my favorite meditation chair. Certain places or pieces of furniture can act as catalysts for relaxing deeply... entering the creative/healing space. At the very same time I'm making an "accepting space" for the new information. It feels so good down here. I can certainly understand when patients tell me that they want to stay in this area of the mindbody. Unfortunately or fortunately, we have to return to the reality of our day, for this is where we get to work with the new information.

It's interesting to observe the time element in hypnosis, for indeed there is no such thing as time. It simply doesn't exist. On the earth plane, I'm used to things either happening quickly or slowly, but hypnotically it can happen it a fraction of a second, or whatever that is, for there is no such thing as time. Everything is already in it's completed state and all that has to happen is to request it, have the cleared space and it is there. Bang!

I do want to meet my depressed Self. Part of me feels responsible for having created Her, another part of me wants to set Her free, but yet another part of me wants to know what She knows. I'm hardly finished "thinking" this when She appears, looking nothing like I thought she'd look like. Truly, I expected a Self with a low-hanging head, perhaps a pocket full of used tissues, OR an angry Self, ready to take me on. She is none of those.

She smiles, extending Her hand, welcoming me to Her world. There is no labeling of depression, just an original Self with clear experience and Knowledge. She is serious and worldly, perhaps someone I'd actually want to hang out with. I'm attracted to her. Yes, truth be know, I'm attracted to my Depressive Self. Why is this?

"There is a part of you that is very deep and introspective. There are parts of life that are difficult, sad and complex. The emotions that hang out in these regions are not pleasant, but they are real. If you look around your world, you don't have to look far to find them. The world can be seen as a "crying game". It's addictive and can feel familiar and comfortable, being very uncomfortable. It's like being tired, but falling into a comfortable sleep on a bed of thorns."

My depressed Self wants to walk my past path with me. It already knows that I want to find out about my eating issues....the addictions, compulsions, secret eating and great sadness. I want to know why I have such fights in this area of my life. What's underneath all of this? Will I ever be free? Can this part of me help?

We walk back further than I thought. It's strange to be in this area. I'm very young...sitting in my high chair in the kitchen. I'm distracted by my desire to sob. I have no idea why this is happening to me.

"The child is very sensitive. She reads the energy of the mother who is displeased with many things. The child doesn't know how to discern, but as she reads the energy, she replicates it inside of herSelf. She is not a happy child, but is frightened to express it, for she is fearful. If you have ever seen a puppy who cowls down in the presence of someone, you can imagine the feelings inside the very young child. She has already learned to detach herself. She slips inside the imaginary hood of a monk. Look at her. Can you see it?"

This image is very uncomfortable for me. I've lived inside the "monk's hood" for most of my life, wanting to be invisible, but also wanting someone to rescue me. This is a seminal image for my depression and I'm grateful for being brought to the image.

"Yes, I am your depressed Self, but I am willing to open the door for you. This is only one door. I was actually formed as a self-protection for you. I'm not the enemy, but your long-time protector. I'm happy to retire....it's been a long time coming. First change your energy. You must go to the baby and other images I provide to you with an energy of relaxed, but assertive power. Your energy is transferred to the images, for this is how you heal. Ready? Go now into this image, very gently move the monk's hood back from the baby, for she is a baby. Sense your energy as it moves from you to the baby. Pick her up. Always gently, but with no trepidation, for you are the Master. Hold her to your heart. Press her inward....more....more....until she is absorbed. Now, turn away from the image, for there is nothing more to do here. Come back out of the scene....I'm waiting for you. We have many places to visit."

I thank you dear friend. I am grateful for you.

The Forgiveness Exercise

My Journal Master is ready to take me through the "forgiveness" exercise. Only this time, it's for the purpose of a full release. I'm a bit unsettled about this...

Leaving chronic depression seems next to impossible. I've left other "life jail cells" before, but for some reason, low-level depression defines me. I've never considered this a bad thing, and I don't want to see myself in that light. It would mean dishonoring the person who I've been for so many decades.

"You are not your mood."

Oh...usually my Journal Master doesn't jump in so early in my writing. This must be a pivotal moment.

Some "lessons" appear small, but are very big. I do know this lesson, but sometimes despite knowing, I can slip and fall back into old ways. Or, I don't interpret the lesson in the particular area of life. I think this is the case here. I've never really seen my lower level depressive states as anything negative. I've always been somewhat passive, looking inward...always thinking or exploring some other dimension. But, there are times when I'm totally different, liking changing a coat. I notice it, as do others. I'm focused, totally tuned in and fully participating. It's like a light comes on in the room. So, I'm wondering, is the light switch the issue here. Is the light always to be on? Won't the bulb burn out after awhile? Am I really blocking my creativity with my low level depression or this just some side-trip of mine?

"Stop the investigation." Journal Master again.

OK

"Please sit comfortably in your tree-chair, allowing nature to pull you gently down. Sense the power of nature as you go down, feeling gratitude for this moment in time. Take your time with this for there is no need to rush. Take a deep yawn breath through the bottom of your feet, inviting it to travel up through your body, emptying each cell as it passes through. Sense yourself deflating like a balloon at the end of a party."

Noticing people standing in a line over to the right...recognizing some. A chair has found it's way, positioning itself in front of me. Thinking this is for the guests. The first guest comes forward. It is my mother. I'm surprised that I'm so relaxed in her presence. Our relationship, a mixture of extreme love and hate. Instructions come forth. A small pile of hearts appear on my lap. I give her one, telling her that I love her and forgive her for anything she might have done to hurt or offend me during my life. I ask her to forgive me as well.

Nothing major is happening. No big moments, no revelations, absolutely nothing, or so I think. I'm told to continue. My mother leaves and my father appears. The ritual remains the same. Once again, nothing much to report.

Next come my brothers, one by one. Then a representative of my aunts, uncles, cousins. Same ritual. Next in line are my children, one by one. Michael laughs. I'm not surprised, but I keep my composure and continue the ritual. Representatives for my daughter's-in-law, colleagues, friends, and someone representing who ever I left out.

Feeling something now, but can't define it. It's some sort of shift. I look before me, finding my husband. Oh... a difficult moment for me, but the ritual takes over. Noticing black drops exiting my finger tips. I look at my husband and find the same thing happening. Not completely sure what this means, but I'm not looking for meaning. Remember....stop the investigation!

My husband exits, surprising unto itself. Receiving a look from my Journal Master. Guess it will take more time for me to balance that part of my life. So...now?

Yes now.

Myself enters, sitting across from me. This is rather unexpected. Not sure what to do. It's odd looking at myself in this way. "Follow the ritual." Giving myself the last heart on my lap, giving forgiveness and now asking for the same.

I'm rather lightheaded, wondering if I can continue or if I bit off too much. "Stop the investigation and just BE." The "me" leaves and first I feel drained, but then normality returns.

Am I finished?

"No, you are just beginning."

The Eye-Witness

Since my "forgiveness exercise" I feel like I'm riding bumper cars. For some reason I thought that my life experience would be peaceful and smooth, like living on a heavenly plane, but instead I get this.

"The anger is releasing and it often bumps as it exits. Are you noticing the different varieties that you tend to store. They are quite different from each other."

My Journal Master is already on the end of my pen. This is happening more frequently now. We must be having a closer relationship. In the beginning She was like a date who didn't call back very often, but now I breathe a question to myself, and find the answer before the question is completed. A bit unnerving, but obviously this is part of the process and I do want to disassemble my chronic depression for good. It's like a 5000 piece puzzle, but one I want to do.

I explained my project to someone the other day. "Does this mean that you'll NEVER be angered or depressed again? Goodness, that sounds terrible. What will we talk about? Can we still be friends?!" Remembering the Venus fly-trap metaphor and the "depressed five". Yes, it's all true.

I'm eager to know how my disorderly eating and sugar addiction is connected to my repressed anger. I do know there is a connection to both that and my cuticle picking. Why do I have to wait so long for an answer to this? I'm reminded of a woman who called me yesterday for an appointment to stop smoking. "I want it done quickly. Boom, bang, boom." I remember thinking, "My dear, you are going to have to unravel this, to find and dismantle the crux. That, unfortunately, is not a boom, bang, boom job." And, so it is with me...

"Well now. You are paying attention. Remember that your teachers come from all directions and your lessons are carefully embedded. This time you were awake. Congratulations."

It's true. Usually I would have been totally exasperated with a client like that, but I remember my feelings in that moment were those of compassion and also excitement for her. She is awakening to the need to stop smoking and most likely is frightened by what she knows she is doing and has done to her body. She is on the brink of awareness that will transform the rest of her life. Addiction is not about the substance, but what is underneath....the crux. Yes, some substances are a bit ratty to get out of the body system, but if the crux is opened and cleared, then one can get through the release of toxins. I've seen it thousands of times and have experienced this personally.

So, my disorderly eating is not about the food or drink. It's about the crux. I thought I had cleaned it before, but there are many levels, some going back to infancy. Certain people can trigger the deep responses, even if those people weren't around at the time the crux was infected in some way. I can also trigger them, even though I may have no recollection of what started the crux infection.

The "forgiveness exercise" touched these. Finding people in my life more difficult to forgive or to ask for forgiveness. I'm not surprised at the "big players", but a few of the less connected did awaken me. I'm thinking that they hold the keys because my involvement with them is less, so it should be easier to figure out the puzzle, especially with the help of my Journal Master.

"It's important to do your own work, because the digging builds muscle."

I sense myself in one of my mind gardens. Several emotional children are at work there. Some are helpful, others are not. It's easy to see who is who. Their names are on their tee shirts, helping to specifically define them. It's here I notice the "garden variety of anger", much of it repressed....pushed into the soil of my life. There are special tools for repressing. I'm noticing one "garden variety" called Righteous working with great angst. Reminds me of a funeral burial. So much sadness combined with anger. As She depresses the issue it's clear where "depression" originates. It's all about the pressing, depressing into the soil of my life. I'm reminded that this will fester under the surface for years to come unless it is released.

But releasing is not enough. These depressing activities need to stop if I am to live in a different life environment. Several children are coming up from my "past path." They are pushing wheelbarrows full of things that have dug up from their individual gardens. These things have been depressed. No wonder I've been feeling the bumping.

Overwhelmed. What am I supposed to do with these?

Then, I realize the children are not walking towards me, but instead, towards the light of my Higher Intelligence.

"Everything has power. Everything can be transmuted or changed for the better. There is nothing you have to do, except to witness this. Then, you can start to reorganize your gardens."

Eyewitness.

Arguing with Depression is Useless

Arguing with depression is useless. Saying I don't want something just brings more of it. Of course, this is the Law of Attraction and even though I know this, the knowing is not enough. It tends to make me angrier at myself. How can I know something and then not adhere to it? What is wrong with me?

Some would say that medication is the answer, but I don't want to take that road. I've been in and out of depression from childhood. Should I have been on medications all of my life? I don't think so.

I was watching Project Runway last night. It was the semi-finals with a lot on the line for these four designers. Only three of them would get to show their collections at Lincoln Center. The most intense moment had nothing to do with the fashion, but with the reaction of the one designer who was eliminated. When he realized it was him, his head hung low, his body immobile. His intense pain was palpable. When he was finally able to mumble some words, the problem was obvious. He was a failure, not only in designing, but in all his life choices including his sexual preference. "My parents will want me to return home, live with them, give up my dreams and expect me to marry a woman." Goodness...he couldn't see any of his success. Worse, he gave himself and his life choices to his parents.

As I watched Michael, my heart went out to him, but more importantly, my brain literally vibrated. Here was a living example of a depressive low, made intolerable by the attitudes and demands of others. Earlier this week I watched "Prayers for Bobby." Once again, this lesson underlined. I don't believe medications would have changed anything for either Michael or Bobby. These are self-image and esteem issues. Letting go issues. Stopping co-dependency and the need to please. Taking and living your own life.

Will others be hurt? Oh, that question. There are so many ways to answer it, some rougher than others. While hurting is never the goal, sometimes it can't be avoided. Sometimes we have to let go in order to save our own lives. Some "letting go's" are more difficult than others, often leaving depression behind. If one has a depressive personality, these become more burdensome, like quicksand holding you in place. I'm standing in some of that now.

There are no coincidences. My desire to open and look inside my own depression has been Universally supported by what's been placed in my line of vision. We get the lessons we ask for.

Why would anyone ask for the toughest lessons? For the same reason that students want to take the toughest courses in college. They want to excel and achieve at something bigger than themselves. Asking for tough self-development lessons is the same. Giving up smoking, alcohol, over-eating, emotional imbalance, co-dependency, nail biting and the list grows, is a testimonial to the true strength of the Self. It's a "yes I can" moment that continues through the lessons and beyond.

It takes great strength to walk towards that heavy weight, deciding to pick it up and hold it over one's head, but this is the way of healing. Once the decision is made and action is implemented, the lessons proceed on their own. It's that old adage, "be careful what you wish for." My answer to this is, "yes, difficult things are challenging, but what is life without challenges? Are we meant to just hang out in the quicksand?"

I want to write this particular book about emotional eating. I know I've been blocked because of my personal issues with the subject matter and the connected depression. Writing the book means that I have to give up many things. Perhaps this is what I saw in Michael and Bobby. It takes a lot to move away from what you don't want, but there is still a part of you that wants that very thing. For me, that is my eating disorder. I've not been ready to "seal the deal". I've not been ready to walk towards that heavy weight and pick it up. I've not been ready to finally say, "I'm finished with all of this."

But now...I am getting ready by releasing the tight core around me. Finally letting go.

The Depressive Jail Term

The presence of depression has given me access to a deeper place in mind where my creativity & healing abounds. This doesn't mean that I choose to be depressed, but it is good to know that I can release the depression, no matter the level, and quickly enter my creative place. Depression is not my jail, and I'm not obligated to serve a jail term, no matter who else might like to deliver a count of shame or guilt on my behalf. Forget that...

Good news...The release of negative energy can be very swift, for I believe the body and mind choose to be free of all depressants. The body seeks homeostasis or balance. The mind seeks love. As for the body, I've seen this in the Emergency Room when a patient is admitted following a suspected heart attack, accident or other medical emergency. Stress and accompanying fear can be so overwhelming, but when techniques for emotional release are applied, the patient moves swiftly into the creative healing place. Heart beat slows, blood pressure normalizes, even bleeding stops....just through deep relaxation and release of stress chemicals. Yes, the body knows what to do.

As goes the body, so goes the mind. Exiting the jail, entering the love-containing light. We often call this the quiet or still place, the place of peace and love. Even if we didn't receive love as a child, or in our adult years, we are all capable of love-producing. Love images abound and they are ours to take and internalize. Even small, insignificant images can play out powerfully in our mind-body, changing physical outcomes and leading us into our creative space.

It's good to know that we do not have to depend on others for love deliveries. While it's good to have others who do so in our lives, we can succeed without it. There have been times in my life when this knowledge was extremely useful, changing the tides for me. Sometimes when we go through difficult periods, love deliveries tend to lessen. This is, of course, just the opposite of what it should be, but we might even notice ourselves rejecting love when we need it the most. I know that during some of my most difficult periods all I wanted was to be "left alone." I've seen this in my nursing career, as well as when working with addiction patients or even with students who were struggling. It's common in relationship difficulties, and when in an uphill fight of any kind.

I've been invited to enter one of my creative endeavors. The one I've chosen is one that I've been fighting for a very long time. It involves writing a particular book that has to do with eating disorders and is very personal. It's also one where I want to be left alone, rejecting love and support from others. I simply want to be left alone in my private misery. For some reason I resent the intrusion in this area of pain. It tends to block my ability to think clearly. I ask my Journal Master, "Does this make sense? I would really like to understand this. Perhaps then, I can explain it to those I love and who are offended by my outbursts."

"When creating anything, one needs to be alone in their own creative space. The deeper you go, the easier it is to work with your own subconscious mind. This is not the time or place for socialization. But, this does not mean that others cannot give you love and support, but not in these particular moments. I've observed you with this project and notice that you do not set up your boundaries very well. There are times when others are welcome and times when they are not. There is no need for great explanation, just for boundary setting.

Then there is the issue of the content of your work. This is yours and yours alone, unless others are co-writing with you. You are not obligated to anyone when writing your book. You have always had a tendency towards co-dependence and the need to please. This is where a good part of your rage comes from. Of course, a good percentage of your rage is suppressed and here is the connection to depression. The more you try to work through this project, the more rage you encounter, both from subject matter and from the interference of others who are connected to your eating issues, past and present. It's like experiencing a difficult birth.

So, you know what to do. Own and love your project. It is yours and yours alone. Set up your boundaries, releasing others from your life and work. Walk inside your completed book. Meet up with your "internal writers" who live inside the completed book. They have already written the book and you are the receiver of the "gift." Play amongst the pages, the words engaging you as you heal."